Jealous of gay men

hi i just need somewhere to vent

im a ftm/transman, pre-hormones,pre-op. im only attracted to men and i could only ever have a relationship with a man as a man, not a woman. to me straight sex just doesnt feel right and the idea of having anything even tampons inside that hole is horrifying.
my problem is i am extremely jealous of gay men. i kno we all have our own journey and struggles in life but i just feel like those of you gay men who think it sucks being gay, that you wish you werent gay, dont have it so bad.
do you know how awful it feels to not be able to see your naked body? or to not be able to masturbate when you have the urge? or even touch yourself or have any amount of self esteem because you feel like your body is just so wrong? Do you kno what its like to see your body, and see how ugly and disgusting it is because the fact its female, to see those ugly giant nipples or that curvy shape?. do u kno what its like to have horrible periods, cramps and wetness down there all the time reminding yourself that your body is female?

when i see 2 guys together, im happy for them, but im also really jealous. gay porn is so depressing, because i kno i will never be able to have a normal sex life as a gay man, because my body is in fact female, and i will probably have to live with having as vagina all my life or at least the scars to prove i had one, as well as a disfigured chest with scars. i kno a lot of gay transmen can get over this and have their vag pounded (not to be funny about it), or at least be touched down there, but to me, the idea of any of that, well i would just rather die than do that.
even if i had sex with a man as a post-T and post-op transman, i woudlnt be able to get naked down there anyways. id probably have to use a strapon. i will never know what its like to be inside of a guy, or to be touched down there, in any normal way. and when i start testosterone, i will most likely be horny 24/7 and not be able to relieve it because my parts down there disgust me to no end. i just dont kno what to do except go on and take T, get chest surgery and have most of my parts down there removed, and just live as a guy. either that or die. then theres the fact that most men will not wanna date me because ill be a dude with a vagina, or to most of them, i will be a woman and most will probably not see past that, that i am in fact, mentally, male. and then my options for a relationship narrow even further because i only like men so becoming a 'man' will just make it harder to find a guy. and most of my family wont accept me, still refer to me as female, and that ill be at risk for discrimination and violence.
i just wish i was a gay MAN. not a gay man in a womans body. i feel like im being tortured every second im alive but i kno that there is a way out of at least -appearing- female to the rest of the world because i know im a man inside, and if i have to be a man with xx chromosomes, without a penis or a man with a vagina then so be it. but i fear my life will be extremely difficult especially with the fact that i have major anxiety and depression issues so its hard making friends especially since ive lost all of them for being too depressed to talk to them.
but i have some hope in my life maybe at least i could find friends, find a guy, to hold and be held, even for a short time, to at least have an emotional connection with. thats what keeps me alive but im not sure if it will last

 

I don't know what to say to you, i guess that's why nobody replied ... I hope you the best and never give up

 

You'd be amazed with what surgery can do. I thought they were making penises and balls out of Teflon now? Or something like that. Keep your chin up, I think you have more options than you're giving yourself.

 

Yeah, being gay is pretty fucking awesome. I feel bad for you because your life sounds awful because you're not a gay man.

 

I think most would agree the T have it a lot tougher than the G, the L or the B

 

I'm also technically an ftm/transman though I identify only as male. I have been on testosterone for 4 months and am having chest surgery this summer. I am also only attracted to men as a guy and I'm exclusively a top. I'm attracted to super gay men but have not yet had a relationship with one. Depending on what kind of guys you are into, you should be able to find men who don't care about the fact that you're trans. My ex-boyfriend is gay and after doing lots of trans-activism work he has no bias towards trans men. So there are guys like that out there, you just gotta find em. And yes, you'll be rejected a lot. The guys I'm into never seem to be into me and the 'trans' thing makes me even less desireable to gay men. But there is hope.

I also have major body issues and can barely stand to take a shower because it means I have to see or at least touch my body, which repluses me. I've found that being on testosterone, however, has made me a lot less aware of my female parts and has boosted my confidence quite a bit. I'm sure surgery will help with that quite a bit as well.

As far as the specifics of sex with a gay man, that's something I'm still figuring out. I am uncomfortable being naked at all and with my ex's have always worn my binder and boxer briefs, which feels kind of awkward. After surgery I'll be able to be topless but as far as what to do about the bottom... I don't know. I was thinking strap-on too but it's incredibly frustrating that I'll never get to really be with a guy the way I imagine it. I also don't know how many gay men are comfortable with a strap-on vs a "real" penis or if it feels incredibly different.

For now, I'm kind of in this frustrating place of wanting to be with a guy but really not wanting to go through explaining everything and feeling the discomfort around sexual things. I think this will be alleviated to some extent once I have chest surgery, since then I can at least feel comfortable being topless but the bottom area is an issue. Despite what some people say, bottom surgery does not look that amazing. I mean, yes, it's amazing what they can do surgically but it won't ever look like a bio guy's penis, which is something that has taken me a while to accept and something I'm still struggling with.

What keeps me going is that now I have come out to friends and family and have finally, after a year and a half, gained almost complete support from them. I haven't heard someone call me by my birth name or refer to me as "she" for several months and it feels so good to be recognized as male everywhere I go. I have my name and gender legally changed so that helps too. If someone questions my gender I can just whip out my driver's liscense and show them the 'M' under sex.

So don't give up, it will get better. We won't ever be perfect and we will never be the same as bio men, but we can get close. And if you make good friends and find a guy who accepts you for who you are, it'll be close enough.