I've been dating this guy for 2 years. We love each other very much. He's the only guy I've ever been in love with and I'm the only girl he has ever been in love with. We are both 24 years old and we both can see each other in each others future. It just feels like we are right for each other. We never fight, we're both very open people and we are able to tell each other anything. The only problem is he has a bad back and it gets in the way of our relationship. It's not just any back problem, it's severe chronic pain that is permanantly with him. He describes it as a knife stabbing him 24-7. He's felt this pain since his doctor fucked up his back during surgery when he was only 15. He pretty much has a disc in his back that just scrapes up his spine every second of the day for almost 10 years now. He has the option to get surgery again but is told there is a 50/50 chance of it going either way. It could either be a success and he lives pain free or the doctor screws up and hits a nerve, leaving him paralyzed and being crippled for the rest of his life. The odds of that happening are very good too. He almost just wants to skip out surgery and live with the pain forever instead of getting surgery. He's afraid to get the surgery and it is his choice. Its not fatal if he doesn't get surgery, it's just torture. But he has become so depressed now that it's difficult for him to be in a relationship. He always has to break plans because of his back and I understand everything. It doesn't make me mad but he's afraid that if he's with me I'm going to hurt him or he will hurt me. He's afraid that if he goes paralyzed, he will be in a wheelchair and unable to keep an erection and he's afraid I'll leave him. I've thought about those consequences and I won't leave him because of his state. I honestly can't say I'll be with him forever. Right now I want to but I can't promise him that we'll be together forever. These days, nobody stays together forever. But I won't leave him because he's in a wheelchair. But he's afraid to be with me because he thinks I will leave him and find someone better. I have never met anyone better and I don't want to. He's afraid that he will hurt me because if he doesn't get any better, he's afraid he will commit suicide. I'm keeping him strong and I've helped him through so many rough times but its not like he's all emo or heartbroken in life. He's really suffering physically and I really do believe that if things got worse he would commit suicide. He really thinks its not healthy for me to be with someone like him and I feel better when I'm with him. We have plans to move away together but he doesn't know when he can do that and doesn't wanna hold me back at life. He doesn't wanna be away from me either. If he let me go and I actually decided to leave, it would destroy him but he really wants me to be happy and he doesn't think his life will make me happy because he is sad often and he's very unstable. He always talks about his back problems and he doesn't wanna "annoy" me with his problems but I personally feel like I'm happiest with him and him talking about his problems doesn't annoy me. I think it brings me closer. I would do anything for him to have a healthy back. I'm not going to leave him and we aren't breaking up. I make him really happy when I tell him that I'm not going to leave him but he's always telling me he that he doesn't think he's worth it. I'm willing to accept him the way he is even though he doesn't feel like he's worth it. But what do you guys think? Am I making a bad decision being with him while he's in this condition? I'm still going to be with him regardless, but I wanna know what other peoples views are about this. Cause he doesn't understand why I would want to.
i think your b/f really needs to speak to a back specialist who can help him. Disks that become dislodged or bulged will press on the nerve. This is very painful. But with the advances in medical techniques just in the past 10 years, I am certain he can find a doctor that can get him squared away. Many people suffer from this condition and have successful surgery. There are risks but good surgeons are very skilled and careful. One of my good friends had excruciating back pain until he couldn't stand it any longer. He had the surgery. He was out of commission for about 6 months and attended physical therapy to strengthen his back, but he's back on his feet and feeling much better. Anyone who's daily life is affected so severely by a non terminal medical condition that they contemplate suicide really needs to confront the issue. Surgery beats suicide anyday. Backs are tricky and there's a chance that he may not feel 100% pain free again, but the chances of him becoming paralyzed are very very slim. Hopefully he has decent health insurance, because he will need it to retain a very good doctor. Finally, if his pain is that excruciating, a doctor should be able to give him medication to at least control the pain until he has the surgery. It seems like he has reached the crossroads where he needs to make a decision. If I were you, I would encourage him to elect for surgery. It's the only choice he has. Best of luck to him and yourself. You seem like a super sweet woman.
He says that there is too much scar tissue that the risks are much higher. He's gone to may different doctors and hasn't had success. He's also on heavy painkillers and they do the trick only half of the time. He left for chicago today (we live about 8 hrs away from chicago) to see a doctor. He's just getting his back checked out and is only going so the doctor could give him advice on whether or not to get surgery. He does have good surgery for now.
My friend just got operated on for this, and she was fine. It's about looking for a doctor that has the skills.
I hope something can be done. I sort of forgot about the scar tissue issue. Keep your fingers crossed for some positive news and let me know how he makes out.
