Am i a cruel fucking animal???

Right now i dont know.

To get something out of the way, no, i donot consider myself spoiled, lucky or ungrateful. I was bought screaming into this shitfest you can civilisation, i was constantly covered in your shit, and i made the best of it. So if i kinda stink of shit after this, please donot pretend like its a miracle.

To original topic.
I had the shit'fucking'iest day today.
Sometimes i have these days, when i just cant stand people, well alot more than usual. They make me so sick i just want to make veryone very hurt. I sometimes verbally humialiate other people who i feel are inferior. I donot do this for thrills or social acceptance, i do it because the person is pissing the shit out of me, i dont like it, and i want them to see why that is instead of just telling them to get the fuck away from me.
Im not the type of people, who spit on you if your worse than me. No.
I am the type of person who will eat you up eventually should you fuck with me.

It gets to me very much. I am an environmental person. Shitty weather makes me depressed. My eternal rants and moans of UK ... this place makes me suicidal. I have no faith for it. I hate it. But my financial, economic and many other factors prevent from altering much yet.

I try to make the best of it, sure. I have many hobbies and activities i partake in, most are character/skill buidling, some mind broadening, others physical. I have a very high oppinion of myself, i dont think im perfect. But i sure as hell try to be the best i can be, and not for anyone, but for me. I feel great when i know Im great.

Im a cynic i guess. Today i had an arguement with a very emotional woman (my college councellor) about how being a cynic is a good thing. Im not affraid of openin up to someone about what i am, i speak freely of my arrogance, obsession with things that interest me etc.
I believe me being a cynic made me more independent and cautious of situations i have little to no control over. I try to prevent neggative suprises very much, i think through most actions, solutions and possible outcomes, and i mostly act independantly because i believe in myself, know my capabilities, and in general have trust which i lack for most others.

I have been disspointed alot, but fuck me who hasnt right? I have no problem with patience, if someone tells me something will be done in two weeks, im good. If its not, and the person asks for another day or two, i have a problem. Because i had everything planned, and its unconvienient and dissapointing. Yeah, i have a weakness for disspointments.

So, throughout my shit expedition of a life, ive done so much and shoveled so much, im embarassed and shamed to talk of some, proud and happy to talk of other. At some points, i was what i now despise. At others i was what i now wish to be. Im very much a principle person, i have rules. Sure rules can be bended, but in general, its what keeps me ready and quick to asess situations. I hold very true to most of them, even if some are very personal. I treat others how i would like to be treated, i feel very much disgust for people who treat me unfairly with no apparent reason, this is where my principle of not trying to hurt innocent people is bended. Im against bullying of innocent kids just because theyre odd and stand out, could be anything, i stand up for them. I do however play the judge when im involved and someone does something to provoke me. Usually, both arms and legs and eyes for an eye. I do sometimes provoke, be it accidentally or due to person being incapable of understing me, and i accept that and take the consuequences, be it simple as appologise for misunderstanding and jumping to conclusions, or getting jumped.

I love it when people tell me the truth. I hate lies. You know how a 2 year old child makes a doodle, and parent goes ''OMG its teh superz, your soooo talented''. It makes me sick when people approve/dissaprove because of what society tells them, instead of being an individual and having an oppinion. "wow, i like what you did there, looks very... abstract and extreme, but it needs more work.'' I hate how people unnaturally lol at something, and you ask what?? and they are unable to say, because either they dont have the testicles to, or just clearly dont understand what they found funny themselves. Like really funny, when it takes someone close to die, for someone to actually think about death. Even funnier, when they say ''ya know, i never thought about death''. Its like fuck, what the hell have you been thinking for the past 40 years or so? Death never crossed your mind??? You dont have an oppinion on such a big part of everyone, even when you hear it every few hours???????

Which brings me to next part of today. My mother's friends mother just died... My mum and her were friends for maybe 20 years. So she was crying with her etc, and then she decides shes going to fly to burry the body and asks me to order her a ticket... She is a very indecisive person... Like a really indicive one (a personally trait which really angers me) so shes like oh this, no wait, this, no no , this. So im thinking ok w/e, even if i am at this point fed up with everything for the time being and really tired, and still browsing at whatever she says...
So my mum comes in, and she breaks down in my room while im here... she starts sobbing etc... I feel mega uncomfortable, they start blaming the doctors/nurses etc for the death, saying how she was beggining to get better (ovarian cancer or something like that i dont know) etc.

I have seen the dead mothers pictures around 6 months before, she looked really really sick, and according to everyone, was really sick and in pain (once again, IDK 100% what was wrong, but i assume multiple things). So this whole time while shes sobbing and blaming everyone/everything, i just think, gheesh why not be happy that her misery is finally over. I mean sure i get it, someone who you saw once everyfew years died, youre upset, but they were in so much pain and were blatantly dieing for the last 2 years... were you in denial, or just refused to give into the idea that everyone dies?? I didnt say this ofc, its like me to say what i think, but i knew a 50 year old person is hardly going to consider a 17 year old pissed off kids oppinion. So yeah, i never comforted her once. I think, they should have performed euthanasia, instead of leaving it for the sickness to take her. Yeah, im not very emotional with shit i see as normal. Death, to me is normal. I get mourning and sadness, but in her case... its kinda alot.

But hey, what if im just a cold hearted, little punk with no understanding and a near OD of teen anger? Fuck maybe, maybe im scum of the earth, a cruel fucking psycho?

Blurgh, 'normal' people make me sick.

 

I love you.

This is basically me in a nutshell, well the thought processes and feelings atleast.

I often think of myself as actually insane.

Right now I'm asking the same things you are.

 

Yeah, i guess i too think im insane. If i am, being insane is waaaaaay underated imo.

 

Dude

Life is such a crazy thing,

if existence was simple enough to understand, then we would be too stupid to understand it.

perhaps...

p.s

I agree with you about the english weather

 

I put up with a lot of shit from the alcoholic drinkers, and I just love tossing shit at them and watching them go "err uhm fuck you". A lot of dickheads in this world man...