Okay, I usually only read the Weed forum, but after a long time I decided I might as well post here, I started writing about my life and this is what I got. I have a lot to say and well I suck at writing so be nice: Quest for Pleasure My total lack of social skills, combined with my love of computers, have formed a certain lust for ways to get me off in whatever way possible to be the best source of pleasure. I started when I was 12 years old lying on my bed playing with my penis for the first time, thinking about my music teacher with her low cut blouse and short skirt I become a new man (kid). The act of Cumming was like instead of playing Video games in my room by myself as the only enjoyment in life, I could just now on play with my dick in my room by myself without caring about my loneliness. Thus started the exploration of this new part of my life. Just like the progression of video games though, like having better graphics and game play, so was my lust for pleasure to follow. By the end of the 1st year of tri-daily masturbatory sessions I was sick of just jacking off to my imagination. My mind was weak and titties in my memory were thin and dull. At that moment the only things I had in my room was a small 12 inch TV and a Nintendo 64. The television, being the base of my personal past times; From blurry nipples on late night TV to Super Mario during the non-maturbating hours. Being only 13 at this time I guess this is what started my fascination with computers and electronics in general. I was already the most knowledgeable person on the subject in my family and I already knew the basic fundamentals of constructing a PC, I even won the computer award in my grade school graduation. Pretty impressive (pathetic) I might add. I had heard of the joys of porn on TV and my cock was ready for the task. I went to Yahoo back when people used it and began my search, literally. The first keyword I remember was "porn", simple and easy and to the point. Not caring for paid credit card websites I instantly fell in love with the image search function. It was like having a Chocolate water fountain in your bedroom; combining instant gratification with amazing results. This was the start of Porn in my life and it lasted a long time. Jacking off to pictures of naked woman or sex was amazing and gave me some quite pleasurable outcomes. This lasted many years until the age of 15. I had been content for the past 2 years with mediocre pictures of naked woman on the computer screen, their still faces and frozen expression never once brining hiatus my carnal desires till that moment. I was now fed up, the act of jacking off was growing tiresome and by this time I was down to a morning and night session only. I wanted movement, I wanted video and I wanted to hear their moans and screams. Oh god the first time I watched a porno, I started with a box a tissues and was left with soggy cardboard. Go ahead 6 months, and we had hit another blockade. My dick was raw with happiness yet still my abundance of free time and self loathing made the act become tiresome already. I had, even at that young age, become tired of vanilla sex. Sad isn't it how 15 year olds who still can't even make a friend have gone though the cycle of a boring mediocre sex life. This is when I started trying to find my fetish. I tried everything for the next year and half until I was seventeen years old. There was literally nothing I had not seen by that time; Amputees, scat, rape, water sports, bestiality, bondage, and even mutilation were all giving me mediocre product and became lacklustre. Every time I saw something so sick and twisted that I wanted to throw up, I went on, clutching my dick in hope of finding the true answer to real pleasure. This was the time in my life when the depression was getting pretty bad. Having not kissed a girl at that age was laughable to most yet I still haven’t been invited more than 5 birthday party in my life span. People in the school halls were always laughing, having fun, being with friends; it made me sick to my stomach seeing their happiness. Why does everyone get to have love when I can’t even get a girl to look in my direction. So I started doing what everyone was doing at this time, taking as much drugs as possible. “Teen” drugs like cough medicine and huffing whipping cream cans were a weekend event that had no shot in the big world of drugs. They had no sexual advantage and didn’t help me masturbate any better so what was the point. It started with alcohol; easy to obtain and not as many risks. My nerdiness at this time let me put lots of research to be put into each and every different drug I was taking, knowing the pros and cons of each and letting me prepare ahead of time. I drank lots of water and chose white wine to prevent a hangover. As the warm feeling spread across my body my hand went into my pants letting me experience a new feeling that has never once been felt before. The lack of sensitivity let me jack off longer and it was amazing. Yet I even more depressed in the following weeks. I cried from time to time, even using it as lube because my mouth was always so void of spit. This could not do, I was already sad enough and my parents started noticing the void of bottles in the wine racks. I decided either go broke or go jump off a bridge. The next thing I tried was Marijuana, with its sweet entrancing powers. This magic herb let all my sadness go away. The years of agony were gone and my dick could have never been happier. The feeling of masturbating high was of no other. The pure pleasure was too much to ever resist. I was skipping school to get high to jack off. My money was always gone with everything I could sell being put towards getting my dick its dose of dope. My boss at work started commenting on my behaviour. Less effort and distraction was plaguing my life yet I couldn’t stop. I know I could not stop after I was so far, what I could lose. I never did stop to this day, and it’s what keeps my depression at bay, but I know it’s just a drug to fool the real pain. Taking Ecstasy was the next leap into the drug pool. Its reputation as the love drug was lost as all it did was make me unable to cum. The sweet relief at the end of the road was gone and all happiness was once again devoid in my life. Yet still I kept doing it, trying to balance taking hard drugs with school and work. My grades were mediocre yet I didn’t care in the least. I wasn’t going to university or College without any money so I knew work was imminent after graduation anyway for some time. I didn’t sleep for sometimes days. I would pass out in class and people were unable to wake me. I had gone days without eating yet I was still fat. It seemed like everything this drug as giving me was anguish, so I stopped taking the pills and began looking for the next thing. I was tempted by cocaine and heroin, as my need for pleasuring my cock was too strong to hold at bay with just smoking a joint anymore. Yet I stayed vigilant and strong. I knew I was in deep but the cost and risk was too much for me. Physical addiction along with my Mental addiction would of been too much for me to bear and I knew I needed to make some changes. Yet here I am now, an 18 years old computer nerd, pot head that has no friends and still hasn’t kissed a girl. Most people in my shoes change their lives around, get a girlfriend, get happy, and become a normal person in society enjoying the pleasures of love or kill themselves... Being an Atheist and not giving a fuck if I live or die I saw suicide as a pussy way out. I might as well start taking heroin and start sucking those dicks for a fix if I was in such a bad situation. So I turned to voyeurism. Oh the pleasures of spying on people who are unaware. My dick was like a fucking jack hammer after that day. Online, the excess of people filmed by this obsession was enough to keep me going for a while. Their courage and will for titties was strong enough to risk the jail time and after I while I soon lusted to be one as well. So that’s it, here I am in my life. I have no friends or hope of getting a girlfriend and suffer from severe depression. I have tried so hard to make friends. I read all the books and articles I could find on social interaction. The thing is that I have become such an asshole no one will ever like me. I can fake it for a while, like at my current job but people know after a while. Any attempt at finding a girlfriend fails as well due to my obesity and unattractiveness. The 100’s of attempts to picking up woman end usually after the first minute. I can be nice, funny, and witty yet still they always run away (some literally). I don’t care anymore; I just wanted to share this with someone. I have never had anyone to really talk to my whole life. My parents hate me and never talk to me. I just have me, and my fucking fat ugly self.
Heya dude. If you ever want to chat, add me on msn navalaviator69@hotmail.com. Sometimes it's good to just vent. Hope you're ok, I've been in a low place before too. Take it easy, Tony
Quite frankly you sound like a younger version of myself, only you have had the fortune to have always had access to the Internet from the very start of your age of sexual maturity, for which you should be very grateful - for myself, the cover models on the Top Of The Pops LPs, dressed only in their bikinis, and the occasional good fortune of chancing upon an old Penthouse or Playboy, which back then, would only be classed as Soft Porn by today's standards - just breasts, and the occasional daring glimpse of a bit of pubic hair. Like yourself, I have also been very withdrawn, lacking in social skills, but with an extremely powerful sex drive, and if it hadn't been for a nymphomaniac woman I met over the CB Radio, back in the 80s, who literally molested / raped me when I was 23, I'm sure I may well have remained a virgin to this day. It was that very first time that convinced me that the capability to have real sex was there within me after all, and that first experience helped me to make future moves with other women I met. As it happens, I think every woman I've been with sexually since have been ones that I've met over the Internet via Chat Rooms. Furthermore, most have also either been divorces, or going through the process of getting a divorce - apart from one, who was a widow. I imagine the reason for this common factor is that men are not the only gender to have yearnings for sexual satisfaction. Women also have an instinctively strong sex drive - especially once they have been used to getting it on a regular basis, and that supply has, for some reason or another, been discontinued. Being Bi-sexual, I also enjoy sex with men, but only on the physical side - I couldn't get emotionally involved in a Gay relationship, so I am able to successfully maintain quite a regular sex life in that respect by using some of the Swinger sites.
Jack8274 - You are only 18 years old. Quite honestly, its not difficult to trun your life around. If you try, you can find a girl you will be happy with. Nothing venture, nothing won
cyclops1@live.nl lets have a chat, i aint no psych major, i dont even like any classes that have to do with with psychology but hey were round the same age and quite frankly I already had a friend who was going through the same things as you and by just venting and joking about it he got back on a somewhat straightened arrow. He's still a loon but the loveable kind
Well I don't see why you're so down on yourself. Your storytelling ability is quite eloquent and keeps the listener's attention. Quite honestly try to focus more on receiving other people's opinions and likes, and try to make them laugh or talk about their likes as this will create a pleasure response in them. Any insecurities you have should probably not be talked about, everyone has them, but if you convince yourself to ignore them others will ignore them as well. I think with your intelligence you'll have no trouble at all. I'd say most people go through this sort of thing after high school. Sure there are "naturals" out there but I believe they are fewer than you might think. Even they had to practice and learned through trial and error.
as others have said your only 18. everyone has lows and people can stay in those lows for years. YOU YOUR SELF is the only person that can take you away from that. Its easy to turn your life around. You need to get out in a social setting. Join a club or a gym. Get in shape, feel good and meet people. YOu say your an asshole, no its just you have never really interacted with people and need to learn how to do that. Its a new year go in a new direction this time. Keep you head up everyone and I mean everyone has somthing to offer and there will be someon out there for you. you must make a change so things for you can change.
