Fave Monty Python Bit

What is your favorite Python Sketch or bit from the movies? Personally I can hear the coconut bit over and over, never gets old;

GUARD #1: Where'd you get the coconut?
ARTHUR: We found them.
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut's tropical!
ARTHUR: What do you mean?
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house
martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these
are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1: What -- a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a
simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not
carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European
swallow, that's my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court
at Camelot?!
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1: So they couldn't bring a coconut back anyway...
[clop clop]
GUARD #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two swallows carried it
together?
GUARD #1: No, they'd have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They'd just use a strand of creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2: Well, why not?

Sorry to post all of that but I just had to share

 

Husband (Terry Jones): Hello, my wife and I would like to buy a bed, please.

Mr Lambert (Graham Chapman): Certainly sir, I'll get someone to help you.

Wife (Carol Cleveland): Thank you.

Lambert: Mr Verity!

Mr Verity (Eric Idle): Can I help you, sir?

Husband: Yes, we'd like a bed, a double bed, and I wondered if you'd got one for about fifty pounds.

Verity: Oh no, I'm afraid not, sir. Our cheapest bed is eight hundred pounds, sir.

Husband & Wife: Eight hundred pounds?

Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.

Husband: I see.

Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

Husband: I see. Er... your cheapest double bed then is eighty pounds?

Verity: Eight hundred pounds, yes, sir.

Husband: I see. And how wide is it?

Verity: It's sixty feet wide.

Husband: Yes...

Wife: (whispers) Sixty feet!

Husband: (whispers) Six foot wide, you see.

Wife: (whispers) Oh.

Husband: ...and the length?

Verity: The length is ... er ... just a moment. Mr Lambert, what is the length of the Comfidown Majorette?

Lambert: Ah. Two foot long.

Husband: Two foot long?

Verity: Yes, remembering of course that you have to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. It's nothing he can help, you understand. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

Husband: I see, I'm sorry.

Verity: But it does mean that when he says a bed is two foot long, it is in

fact sixty foot long, all right?

Husband: Yes, I see.

Verity: That's without the mattress, of course.

Husband: How much is that?

Verity: Er, Mr Lambert will be able to tell you that. Lambert! Could you show these twenty good people the dog kennels, please?

Husband: Dog kennels? No, no, the mattresses!

Verity: I'm sorry, you have to say 'dog kennel' to Mr Lambert, because if you
say 'mattress' he puts a bucket* over his head. I should have explained. Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

Husband: Oh. Ah. I see. Er, excuse me, could you show us the dog kennels, please, hm?

Lambert: Dog kennels?

Husband: Yes, we want to look at the dog kennels, hm.

Lambert: Ah yes, well that's the pets' department, second floor.

Husband: No, no, no, we want to see the DOG KENNELS.

Lambert (irritated): Yes, second floor.

Husband: No, we don't want to see dog kennels, it's just that Mr Verity said that...

Lambert: Oh dear, what's he been telling you now?

Husband: Well, he said we should say 'dog kennels' instead of saying 'mattresses'.

(Lambert puts bucket on his head)

Husband: Oh dear. Hello? Hello? Hello?

Verity: (approaching) Did you say 'mattress'?

Husband: Well, yes, er...

Lambert: (muffled) I'm not coming out!

Verity: I did *ask* you not to say 'mattress', didn't I?

Husband: But I mean, er...

Lambert: (muffled) I'm not!

Husband: Oh.

Verity: Now I've got to get him to the fish tank and sing.

Husband: Oh.

Verity: (sings) And did those feet, in ancient time...

Another assistant (John Cleese): (walking up, hearing the singing) Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert?

Husband: Yes, I did.

(Assistant gives nasty look at Husband)

Verity: (still singing) ...walk upon England's mountains green...

(Assistant joins in) ...and was the Holy Lamb of God...

(Lambert removes bucket; Verity and Assistant immediately stop singing;
assistant leaves.)

Verity: He should be all right now, but don't...you know...*don't*!

Husband: No, no. (to Lambert) Excuse me, could we see the dog kennels please?

Lambert (irritated): Yes, pets department, second floor.

Husband: No, no, no. Those dog kennels, like that. You see?

Lambert: Mattresses?

Husband: (relieved) Yes.

Lambert: But if you want a mattress, why not say 'mattress'?

Husband: (nervously) Ha ha, I mean...

Lambert: I mean, it's a little confusing for me when you say 'dog kennel' if you want a mattress. Why not just say 'mattress'?

Husband: But you put a bucket over your head last time we said 'mattress'.

(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again)

Verity: (running on the scene again) Oh dear! (sings) And did those feet...

Assistant: (to Husband) We *did* ask!

(duet) ...in ancient times, walk upon England's mountains green...

(singing continues throughout the next few lines of dialogue)

Yet another assistant (Michael Palin): (running in) Did somebody say 'mattress' to Mr Lambert?

(Cleese points angrily towards the Husband and Wife)

Verity: *Twice*!

Other Assistant: (shouting throughout the store) Hey, everybody! Somebody said 'mattress' to Mr Lambert -- *twice*!

(joins in the singing)

(Organ music swells and they carry on singing)

Verity: It's not working, we need more!

(The entire Mormon Tabernacle Choir begins to sing in the background. Sounds of water splashing; eventually Lambert removes the bucket again and they stop singing)

Lambert: I'm sorry, can I help you?

Wife: (brightly) We want a mattress!

(Lambert puts the bucket over his head again. Verity, husband and assistants
all groan and glare accusingly at wife)

Wife: But it's my only line!!!



AHAHAHAHA!

Holly
Yes, I'm a dork...

 

A very classic scene, always cracks me up.

GALAHAD: They're nervous, sire.

ARTHUR: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!

TIM: Behold the cave of Caerbannog!

ARTHUR: Right! Keep me covered.

GALAHAD: What with?

ARTHUR: W-- just keep me covered.

TIM: Too late!

[dramatic chord]

ARTHUR: What?

TIM: There he is!

ARTHUR: Where?

TIM: There!

ARTHUR: What, behind the rabbit?

TIM: It is the rabbit!

ARTHUR: You silly sod!

TIM: What?

ARTHUR: You got us all worked up!

TIM: Well, that's no ordinary rabbit.

ARTHUR: Ohh.

TIM: That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes

on.

ROBIN: You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!

TIM: Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide; it's a killer!

GALAHAD: Get stuffed!

TIM: He'll do you up a treat mate!

GALAHAD: Oh, yeah?

ROBIN: You mangy scots git!

TIM: I'm warning you!

ROBIN: What's he do, nibble your bum?

TIM: He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!

ARTHUR: Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!

BORS: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!

TIM: Look!

[squeak]

BORS: Aaaugh!

[dramatic chord]

[clunk]

ARTHUR: Jesus Christ!

TIM: I warned you!

ROBIN: I done it again!

TIM: I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't

you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always

the same. I always tell them--

ARTHUR: Oh, shut up!

TIM: Do they listen to me?

ARTHUR: Right!

TIM: Oh, no...

KNIGHTS: Charge!

[squeak squeak squeak]

KNIGHTS: Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.

ARTHUR: Run away! Run away!

KNIGHTS: Run away! Run away!...

TIM: Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!

ARTHUR: Right. How many did we lose?

LAUNCELOT: Gawain.

GALAHAD: Ector.

ARTHUR: And Bors. That's five.

GALAHAD: Three, sir.

 

Come on now, theres gotta be more python fans in here!?

 

Other than the movies:

Argument Clinic

 

Tourist: Good afternoon.

Shephrd: Eh, 'tis that.

Tourist: You here on holiday?

Shephrd: Nope, I live 'ere.

Tourist: Oh, good for you. Uh...those ARE sheep aren't they?

Shephrd: Yeh.

Tourist: Hmm, thought they were. Only, what are they doing up in the

trees?

Shephrd: A fair question and one that in recent weeks 'as been much on

my mind. It's my considered opinion that they're nestin'.

Tourist: Nesting?

Shephrd: Aye.

Tourist: Like birds?

Shephrd: Exactly. It's my belief that these sheep are laborin' under

the misapprehension that they're birds. Observe their be'avior.

Take for a start the sheeps' tendency to 'op about the field

on their 'ind legs. Now witness their attmpts to fly from

tree to tree. Notice that they do not so much fly as...plummet.



<Baaa baaa... flap flap flap ... whoosh ... thud.>



Tourist: Yes, but why do they think they're birds?

Shephrd: Another fair question. One thing is for sure, the sheep is not

a creature of the air. They have enormous difficulty in the

comparatively simple act of perchin'.

<Baaa baaa... flap flap flap ... whoosh ... thud.>

Trouble is, sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their

'eads, there's no shiftin' it.

Tourist: But where did they get the idea?

Shephrd: From Harold. He's that most dangerous of creatures, a clever

sheep. 'e's realized that a sheep's life consists of standin'

around for a few months and then bein' eaten. And that's a

depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep.

Tourist: Well why don't just remove Harold?

Shephrd: Because of the enormous commercial possibilities if 'e succeeds.

 

The Lumber Jack Song, didn't know until recently - written by George Harrison.

 

Dead Parrot sketch...

 

the parrot is no more, it has ceased to be..

i also love the spam sketch, and the one with the mountaineer that is cross eyed...

 

Egg and bacon
Egg and spam
Egg, bacon, and spam
Egg, bacon, spam, and sausage...


How about the Wizzo chocolate company sketch...Ram's Bladder Cup--Anthrax Ripple

 

I love "Self Defense Against Fresh Fruit."



Colonel (Graham Chapman): get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant

Major!

Sargeant (John Cleese, shouting throughout): Right sir! Good evening, class.

All (mumbling): Good evening.

Sargeant: Where's all the others, then?

All: They're not here.

Sgt.: I can see that. What's the matter with them?

All: Dunno.

Chapman (member of class): Perhaps they've got 'flu.

Sgt.: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now,

self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last

week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who

attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

(Grumbles from all)

Palin: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sgt.: What do you mean?

Jones: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

Sgt.: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Palin: Can't we do something else?

Idle (Welsh): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sgt.: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves

against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh

fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad.

When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes

after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now,

the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion

fruit...

All: We done the passion fruit.

Sgt.: What?

Chapman: We done the passion fruit.

Palin: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...

Jones: Whole and segments.

Palin: Pomegranates, greengages...

Chapman: Grapes, passion fruit...

Palin: Lemons...

Jones: Plums...

Chapman: Mangoes in syrup...

Sgt.: How about cherries?

All: We did them.

Sgt.: Red *and* black?

All: Yes!

Sgt.: All right, bananas.



(All sigh.)



Sgt.: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself

against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this

banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man

armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana;

then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now

rendered him 'elpless.

Palin: Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Idle: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sgt.: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

Chapman: 'Arrison.

Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that,

that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me!

Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.)

Sgt.: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

Palin: You shot him!

Jones: He's dead!

Idle: He's completely dead!

Sgt.: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

Palin: You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sgt.: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

Jones: But you told him to.

Sgt.: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend

yourselves against fresh fruit.

Idle: And pointed sticks.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Palin: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

Sgt.: Run for it.

Jones: You could stand and scream for help.

Sgt.: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

Jones: A pineapple?

Sgt.: Where? Where?

Jones: No I just said: a pineapple.

Sgt.: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

Jones: What, on the pineapple?

Sgt.: Where? Where?

Jones: No, I was just repeating it.

Sgt.: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the

raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you,

Mr Tin Peach.

Jones: Thompson.

Sgt.: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as

you like with it.

Jones: No.

Sgt.: Why not?

Jones: You'll shoot me.

Sgt.: I won't.

Jones: You shot Mr. Harrison.

Sgt.: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.

Idle: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.

Sgt.: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give

me Hell.

Jones: Throw the gun away.

Sgt.: I haven't got a gun.

Jones: You have.

Sgt.: Haven't.

Jones: You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.

Sgt.: Oh, that gun.

Jones: Throw it away.

Sgt.: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a

gun.

Jones: You were going to shoot me!

Sgt.: I wasn't.

Jones: You were!

Sgt.: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed!

You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...



(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)



Jones: Aaagh.

Sgt.: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the

16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

Palin: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.

Palin: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?

Sgt.: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just _one way_ of

dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

Idle: Like what?

Sgt.: Shootin' him?

Palin: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then

with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.

Palin: No guns.

Sgt.: No.

Palin: No 16-ton weights.

Sgt.: No.

Idle: No pointed sticks.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Palin: No rocks up in the ceiling.

Sgt.: No.

Palin: And you won't kill us.

Sgt.: I won't.

Palin: Promise.

Sgt.: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

Palin & Idle: Oh, all right.

Sgt.: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk

me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in

with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing

to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to --

release the tiger!



(He does so. Growls. Screams.)



Sgt.: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not

only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do

not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a

crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're

hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you.

I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so

much as makes a move we'll all go up together!

Right, right. I warned you. That's it...



(Explosion.)

 

i love the hedgehog in one of thier programmes, it had a name, big cartoon hedghog,hmm does anyone know his name? its been bugging me 4 ages now.

 

On second thought, lets not go to Camelot... Tis a silly place... It's great on the special addition DVD how they have that scene in Legos...

 

Spiny Norman?

 

Oh hard decision but .... its not my fave film but

In the Meaning Of Life

The Find the Fish scene at the middle of the film

"Where has that fish gone you did love it so, ....."
"Oh fishy fishy fish"
"Is it in the closet, wouldent you like to know"

...etc

 

too many favorite bits....i can't choose one favorite.....

 

and now for something completely different...

 

Stop That! It's Silly!