Help me with this girl situation: I need closure

I got this girl's number last Tuesday when we agreed to go out (or at least talk) on Wednesday. I called on Wednesday and she neither picked up nor called me back.

Today I saw her at her work location (she bartends in a poolhall I frequent). I maintained a positive attitude, but asked her what happened. She said she was busy, etc.

I said I wished she had told me that she couldn't make it because I felt like I was left waiting. She apologized and seemed genuinely sorry and reiterated that she still wanted to hang out. So far so-so good...

I decided to give her another chance, so as I was leaving, I asked her when it would be a good time...and she shrugged and said "I don't know" (with a non-chalant attitude) and continued walking.

1) Do you feel I am justified in thinking she's playing hot and cold games? Or am I overreacting?

2) Now, unless she calls me, I need some closure. In the past, I finished things with women without expressing my feelings to them and I think it made me carry a lot of resentment with me.

Do you feel I should call one more time to say that it's over, why, and express my disappointment? (be it in live conversation or as a message)

How would you go about it? Thanks.

Edit: This girl has taken the initiative to kiss me in front of her boss a few weeks ago. And yesterday, she told me the exact location where she lives. So I don't think she is uninterested. It's more a matter of whether she is a player, or if indeed she's unsure of how interested she is at the moment.

 

Speaking from a girl’s point of view - if I guy called me to talk or go out and I wasn’t interested… well firstly I would avoid all means of letting him know my number. If that can not be avoided – I would try to ignore he’s method of contact. And the next time I see him and he confronts me with why I didn’t pick up he’s calls… I would say something like “sorrrrry, I’ve been really busy lately! Bad timing you know?!” – and I would leave it at that. Hoping the guy would take the hint and let it go.

Now if I liked him, but happen to honestly be held up in something. I would say something like the above… and add some sort of time frame in when we can pick things up again - like in a few days, a fortnight etc.

For example, “sorrrrry, I’ve been really busy lately! Bad timing you know. I had to do this…. Blah blah blah (insert appropriate reason), but I’m totally free next weekend, is that good for you?” I’d do this because I want to reassure him that I am interested and I am keen to spend some time with him.

If she wasn’t interested, I don’t understand why she would suggest hanging out again.
So yes she does seem to be giving off mixed signals. She could be one of those people who never like disappointing others face to face – but after they are out of sight she runs for miles. I don’t like seeing that look on somebody’s face as much as the next person, let alone being the cause of it. But I know it’s better then letting him go on in hope. I would never so freely suggest to a guy that I want to hang again – and then drop him the cold shoulder the next time he tries to make plans. That’s just unnecessary and cruel.

If you need closure, then talk to her. Ask her gently ‘what gives? You say you want to hang but twice I made arrangements and twice you brush me off.’ Wait a little and see how she replies, and proceed as you see appropriate. Good luck.

 

sorry to be the bearer of bad news sweetie BUT,

she's not interested in you and is afraid to be straight about it because you frequent where she works....
it is her job to flirt, she gets paid to do that, and she gets bonuses in the form of tips for doing it really well...
(not to mention if she blows you off she could lose a customer, could make things awkward with a customer, could lose tips, could even risk having her job threatened in the event that you're a nut and call and complain about her out of the anger of rejection....there's a lot of possibilities)
the fact that she didnt' call, made a half assed excuse about being busy than being non committal to any future plans really screams that she has absolutely no interest...

furthermore you dropped the ball cherea which ensured a non future with this girl...

when you went back to her work and told her that you were disapointed that she didn't call and felt like you'd been left hanging you probably made her think you're insecure and clingy...

hence why she didnt want to make future plans

next time

don't say anything when she doesn't call

let her bring it up

pretend like you totally forgot that you guys were planning to do something

and then when she calls you, don't answer, call her back the next day and tell her you were at the gym or some shit....


lesson here: girls love the thrill of the chase, we like a challenge, we like to feel like we're competing on a friendly level for something...
you threw yourself on a silver platter for her, it was just too easy

this whole dating thing is such bullshit...i know!!

good luck though, we're both gonna need it:cheers2:

 

(had to come back, realized I wasn't done yet)
what's over?!

friendly banter?....a relationship?

it hadnt even started....

hun, you really gotta toughen up...can't let shit like this get you down, and I'm telling you as much as chicks say they like sensitive guys- they don't like overly emotional guys, well- I should speak for myself....but seriously,
do you know how ridiculous you would look if you broke up with me after not even having a date?!?!?!?!?!?

that would be crazy and I strongly advise you to not do that if you don't want all waitresses in there to know the story, cause chicks are bitches and they love to talk and laugh at men...don't put yourself in the position to be torn apart by them.....




why would you need closure when there's not even a real relationship?!

 

lol, id comment but mary j pretty much covered it and used much more tact than i would have. count your blessings she got here before i did..lol

i will add, your 31 years old,not 13,start acting like it.
your OP reads like something a ninth grader would post..

 

That's exactly what I wanted to point out as well.. You talk about needing closure but closure for what.. it's not a relationship that's ending, it's nothing really. At the moment, you come across as quite obsessive, and if I was in her shoes I'd be quite put off by that. She gave you a kiss and her phone number, and you started talking about love.. it's too much, you need to chill out a bit. Clingy is not cool.

 

Mmm I do this.
I put out vibes as if I'm going to give more than I actually do or want to.
But, I also have been on the reverse.
I agree with others though, perhaps you are making too much of this.
Perhaps your language here is a little more dramatic than the actual situation.
I dunno.
I'd say buy her a drink, have a few laughs at the pool hall...and enjoy having somebody friendly to chat with.
End of story.

 

Yeah. I totally disagree with your perspective on this. I've already had rewarding relationships with women that didn't involve "the chase" nor have I ever let a woman chase me. I am not a clingy person, I am very good with taking "no" for an answer, and yet I've found that hiding my emotions is the worst thing to do in every relationship (no matter how shallow or deep).

I should also add (and I'll edit my OP) that she took the initiative to kiss me on the lips SEVERAL times, and I have been the one taking things slow until she commits to getting to know me better. I should also mention that I first met this girl six months ago, and she has consistently shown physical affection toward me that I have never seen her do with other guys at work.

She also asked where I lived yesterday, and told me the exact block where she lives. If anything, she has always initiated toward me.

But yeah, if your perspective is that I need to play chase games/hide my interest and emotions in order to forge a relationship, then I guess we just view the world very differently.

I spoke to my mom about it, and it seems her perspective is the most balanced that I've heard so far: my mom says that everything indicates that she is interested, but that she's probably unsure of how much, or afraid of taking the risk to get involved.

She advised me to neither close the door on the possibility of a relationship, nor pursue. And if bartender girl comes to me again, to signal to her that I've taken a step back and that if she wants to pursue this further, that she take steps.

In other words, my mom says I should signal to her that the ball is in her court, but without ending things because she thinks this girl is in fact interested to a certain extent (which in my view is undeniable).

Finally, I should also say that I am very experienced with flirting with bartenders and I know exactly when they are flirting as part of the job. This has definitely gone beyond it, especially since she went right ahead and kissed my lips in front of her boss (maybe risking her job, at that).

 

I agree. I will take a step back. My idea of closure was that I'd communicate that I'm not interested in all the touching/flirting and of getting to know her better anymore. But at the moment I think that would also be an overreaction.

As for being put off, different strokes for different folks. I've met women who appreciated my passion and directness. Some other women feel it's too much. Ok.

But I'm not a clingy person. If you knew me, you'd understand, if anything I have issues with commitment. But I do invest emotionally in people early, rather than later as some other people do. It's the old "love at first sight" debate.

 

You can be insensitive all you want, your opinion is of no great value to me. Why don't you tell me where your infinite maturity has gotten you in interpersonal interaction at 44?

 

actions (or lack thereof) speaks louder than words....


I just don't think she's that into you...

it is just my perspective though and I haven't seen the two of you together, so I could be way off...


*shrugs*

good luck either way ( i think you need it)

 

This is the most balanced post so far. My mom holds the same opinion as you. Thank you.

 

Ok. Bye.

 

don't get all sensitive and bitchy about it...


you came on here and asked....I answered, Honestly and whole heartedly which is a fuck of a lot more than most people get from me...

that is what i gathered from reading your post, i could be wrong...as i've already said...

you could be deluding yourself....


theres a 50/50 chance of either


and JUST FOR THE RECORD...I was a bartender for over 5 years, you may think you know their game...but I assure you- they have a LOT more game than you could ever imagine...

i too have kissed boys, randomly at work for the sake of a tip and some fun....

didnt mean anything...it was just a moment in time

 

Dude, I have issues with commitment and I can be incredibly clingy.. They're not exclusive characteristics. Anyhow.. good luck, let us know how it goes :cheers2:

 

i love how you only agree with the posts that encourage your desires and your moms' opinions.....

 

I think you're just missing a lot of context. Have you also tried kissing them repeatedly, told them where you lived, talked at length about geopolitics and addictive personalities, let them know that you wanted to hang out twice, gone around the bar every time they were leaving to hug them (without doing that to any of the other customers), and told them about your routine and what you were going to the next day (for example, "After my yoga, it's a good time")? I think you have your set opinion on this, which is fine. But I find you a bit cynical.

Oh, and BTW, I'm a bad tipper, and she knows that.

I've also worked as a bartender, I've been involved with one before, and I've got a decade or so of an intense partying lifestyle under my belt in which I constantly ignored bartending manipulation.

 

Alrighty then. If you think I'm clingy, go right ahead.

I think a lot of people confuse directness and emotional disclosure as dependency. I don't depend on this girl for anything, even if I am disappointed.

 

yes
yes
yes
yes
yes
yes
yes
yes

even went out on a few dates, invited a a few over for drinks, went to the beach, had dinner, went to movies....


i don't think you really understand what comes with the territory of the job....

fine you want to hear what you want to hear....


go break up with her and tell her your feelings are hurt, nothing but goodness can come from that.


eace:

 

All that says to me is that you are a manipulative person and would to that in any profession. I personally KNOW bartenders who make a good living without going through that much trouble for a tip.

I think you need as much luck as me. From your posts I also gather that you like to have a bunch of men on a string.

Also understand that I'm not a doormat. I called her ONCE. And I would go out with her ONCE if she takes the initiative toward me from now on. I've never allowed women to lead me on indefinitely hoping of a piece of ass.