write me a Dear John letter

can i touch your boobs?

 

well you have always been BIG but the dyke thing is new. i should have seen it coming (no pun intended) with the sudden enterest in rosie o'donell, and combat boots.

 

Dear John,

Thanks for all the money.

The kids are ok, yet musically challenged.

Love,

Yoko.

 

Dear John,
I put a deadly dose of Ex-Lax in those muffins you had for breakfast. With the way you shat on my life, I thought it only appropriate that you now shit yourself to death. Fuck you, you sorry son of a bitch.

Also, this note was written on the last bit of toilet paper in the house.

Cheerios!

 

Dude that was fuckin great!

 

Sig quoted!

 

Pretty much sums it up.

 

you forgot "Sean seems to have an unhealthy obsession with Thom Yorke"

 

Dear Hellvis,

The past few years have been among the most memorable of my life. They started well enough: the long evenings discussing the spiritual implications of quantum mechanics while sipping schlitz by the fireplace, the mid-air trampoline sex, the emu farm (and our subsequent debt due to your insisting on hiring armed guards to protect them from emu rustlers), my short-lived career as a watch repairman. After a while, though, it became very taxing. When the emu farm eventually went under, I could stand by you. Sure we may need to produce the occasional degrading pornographic film, but love can conquer all. Or so I thought in my more innocent years.

Your debts went through the roof after we lost that farm, your only dream. Despite your beliefs, lottery tickets are not a reasonable "investment" for pulling one out of destitution. I've kept records, and it seems you spent the remainder of our years of savings, meager though they were, and virtually all of our extremely limited income on one-dollar scratch cards. Over the past five years, I've estimated your scratch card purchases to rack up to nearly 87,000 cards. When I think of the hours I spent sweeping up those horrid little silver shavings, I can't help but shed the occasional tear.

Things really went downhill when the verbal and emotional abuse became worse, more intense, more frequent, and when you had the malt liquor water cooler installed to "save money." The constant name calling, the accusations that our financial problems were somehow caused by myself, the endless demand for anal penetration, the broken dishes...sometimes I'm amazed I carried on as long as I did.

As your drinking increased still further and your hygeine suffered accordingly (how long has it been since you bathed? shaved? changed your socks?) I could scarcely stand it. After much soul searching, I've decided to leave. I've signed up to work at keeping a lighthouse in the northern atlantic for the next 3 months. I hope this will give me time to think and gather myself, and I will have food and a place to stay, as well as an income. Perhaps I will sign on for a full year after my 3 month shift is up. I will not tell you were exactly the lighthouse is located so you cannot come after me.

After a beautiful beginning, this relationship has become the most hellish thing of which I can conceive. Your name should have been taken at face value, as a warning to myself. In the blissful, stubborn warmth of puppy love, I lost my good sense and idealism. I hope that you find your way out of misery, and that someday you can perhaps buy back the emu farm, find a new man, and find true happiness. However, our lives will never again be intertwined, and should we cross paths in the future I'll not so much as acknowledge your presence. I wish you all the best, but I will not be in touch.

So long,
Nesta

P.S. This letter will self destruct. I have no idea when you will find and read it, or how long it will take you to read once you pick it up. Try and get to this quickly - self destructing letter technology is far from perfected, but you know me. I'm a pioneer, Hellvis. I live for big, new ideas. Something you may never understand.

 

ohhhhh my god that was HILLARIOUS!!!!!!

 

I second that. :cheers2:

 

Nesta- that was fabulous!!!!!:cheers2:
I knew I loved you for a reason.

 

hah, thanks guys. i like a chance to exercise my bullshit muscle every now and then :tongue:

 

No problem Nesta that was the best one period.

 

you have a very hot bullshit muscle. Flex it baby!

 

aw, i tried my best...but i just noticed a couple typos oh well, its not awful, and nothing glaringly wrong. a "were" instead of "where," failure to capitalize "Atlantic," that kind of small stuff.

 

I have typos all over the place. After having to be perfect at work and on papers, I don't give a shit on here.

 

bullshit muscle? after reading that ghastly letter i wonder exactly where this muscle is located....

 

I'm mostly impressed that he has a muscle that makes him shit like a bull.

 

lolol:cheers2: