I have felt this way for a while. At fifteen years old, I've already started to develop emotional values and ties to things I care about. Myself included. So why do I feel this way? Everytime I contemplate myself, I consider suicide. Maybe I can end it. I know, I know-- "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." But is it temporary? Since I was about twelve, I started showing interest in females. Then, males. Not a good thing to do in Mississippi. As I grew older, I started showing even more interest in females, but mostly males. Now, I try to hide this part of me, but it isn't very easy. Everytime I see a guy I like--which happens suprisingly often--I have to make sure I don't accidentally break my neck my flinging my head in his direction. I have to make sure to study him out of the corner of my eye. Also, whenever I see a girl I like--which happens on a supprisingly seldom basis-- I feel comfortable staring, because our society accepts it. The problem is, I like many guys, in many forms, while it takes me a very long time--sometimes even months or maybe even a year or so--to develop a crush on a girl. In all honesty, I look at guys for lust and love(mostly lust, and love to an extent), and I look at girls for love and lust (mostly love, and lust to an extent). I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I am a writer, so if, by some stretch of a miracle, I actually become famous or semi-famous, all the more people in the world will see this about me, and I'll just have to work that much harder to control myself. I'll have to work that much harder to choose my words carefully, to constantly monitor my body language, to constantly have to control wherever my eyes may land. I know you understand what I'm talking about--that's why I'm writing to you. I know you can help me, and I know you understand why I contemplate suicide whenever I really think about things like this. I've asked god for help, and--though I'm not really very religous--I could swear I got answers from him. Answers that I really wasn't hoping for. So, you see my dilemma. Then, after the stress of the moment is gone, I recontemplate my thoughts of suicide; why would I do that? Why would I do that to my mother? My father? My countless siblings? My aunts, uncles, cousins? My PETS? My pets aren't intelligent enough to understand this, so they'll always be thinking, "Where's Alex? Why isn't he home?" They'll never understand that I'll never be home again. I love my family with all my heart, and they love me too. But I don't know if they love me enough to accept me the way I am. And I also don't want to end my own life if I don't have to--I have about 65 years left to live. To do things that I've always dreamed about. Why should I cut it short unless I absolutely have to? And when I hear those words in my head, it only reenvorces the idea that I'm gay (which I cannot be completely sure of, due to my attraction to girls), because I'm too much of a wimp to end it all. If I could, I would try to fix me. If I could, I would only be attracted to girls. If I could, I would be dead right now. I'm addicted to the television show, CSI:Miami; I've seen countless ways to end my life. I know countless manuvers to do it. From something as simple as an airbubble in my vein to something as ordinary as taking a knife or gun to my heart or something as halfway complex and random as hanging myself from a drawbridge, I can think of many ways to end my misery, and evoke everyone else's. I can tell that my mother won't be much help. In her own words "You're nobody. Your father doesn't want you, and I don't want your attitude in my house. You don't like, it, you pick up the phone and tell the police to put you in a foster home." It's because of that love and respect that I'm afraid to say anything. If my mom thinks of me in that way NOW, just imagine what she'll think if I say anything. I can always run away. I have enough money saved up to fly to someone in the family. I can do chores to earn the right to live there. I can babysit. My brothers have kids, my sister has kids, and my other sisters might be able to help in some way. My cousins have kids. My dad might want someone to take care of the house while he's out all over the country, hauling things who-knows-where. I have plenty of friends in New York, New Jersey, and Pennsylvania. I'm not doing without in that aspect; I can always find someplace to go, even if that someplace is under a bridge. The point is, I don't know what to do; I could end my life. I could run away. I could stand and deal with it. I don't need much to run away. I've already written down the necessities. I can ship whatever's too big for my luggage. I can fly to countless places. I can stay on my property in Montana for the summer, while I get a job to go somewhere else. I'm desperate to get away from it all. And so you understand what I'm talking about. Now you understand how I feel. Now, I hope you can make me understand myself as well.
mums always know trust me, ull prob find if you leave it she will ask you. i came out wen i was 16 and everyone knew before i came out its ppls instinct. dnt lie to yourself
I don't think so. If I do, it's just when I play around with my friends, like when I take pictures and make weird faces. The only reason rumors like that have been spreading about me since 8th grade is because I've never even really been with a girl. At least, not one in my grade. I've only had three girlfriends, and my latest lasted four months. The reason I don't usually go for girls is because I only like the ones that are REALLY attractive, and that takes me, like I said, about a month to start liking them. And, of course, they don't like me back. THAT'S why people think that about me. THAT'S why they say stuff about me. THAT'S why they spread rumors without asking me about it first. Honestly, I'd like to find out for myself. Obviously, I have some interest in guys, but I also show interest in girls. Oh, and by the way, xxxhelenexxx, I had say something to my mom, and, until that point, she didn't have a clue about it. Maybe it's cause I don't talk to her about my personal life. But, we do goof around sometimes, despite her temper, as mentioned before. Also, on the whole "acting gay" thing, I hang out with a bunch of groups, but mostly punks and emos. Very rarely other groups, because I can't always deal with their attitudes. I'm also a writer, so that's not always good. I write a lot of mystery and I wrote one article of poetry once (for a prize, though. It was about the negative affects of alcohol and peer pressure.). But, like almost every guy you meet out there, if you say or do one thing that puts an idea into my head, I have a tendency to blurt it out.
