College Student Interview...Coming Out Process

Hello everybody!
I am a college student who is studying adolescent psychology and for my research paper I am writing about the gay/bi sexual teen and the coming out process. I am very interested in the emotional development of teens and the process of discovery that they and their families go through when facing this issue.
For part of my research paper I would like some feedback from a few people who have experienced this firsthand. I have the utmost respect for the struggles that any teenager goes through in adolescence and especially for the teenager who is gay.
If anybody reading this would like to contribute to my research I would greatly appreciate your input.
Thanks so much to you for your openness in discussing this topic.
1. How do you identify yourself? Are you gay, lesbian or bisexual?

2. What is your age?

Thinking back on your adolescence…..

3. At what age did you begin to “feel different” than the other children?

4. At what age did you identify to yourself that you were gay?

5. What were some of the feelings/emotions that you experienced BEFORE you identified yourself as gay?

6. What were some of the feelings/emotions that you experienced AFTER you identified yourself as gay?

7. What was your experience with the reactions of family members during this period of ‘coming out’?

8. Do you feel as though your parents were supportive or unsupportive of your coming out? What could they have done differently?

9. Adolescence is a tough time for anyone growing up, especially tough for a teen that is discovering that they are gay. Please pick a defining moment in your teen years that made an impression on your self esteem/self worth AT THAT TIME.

10. What advice would you give to the parents of a child who is discovering that they are gay?

 

lesbian.

i'll be 27 in another month.

i always knew i was different than all the other kids... i'd say as early as i could remember. it wasn't until i was 10 or 11 that i began to seriously wonder what was wrong with the world. that was about when i learned the "facts of life" and had such revulsion for the described act of sex between a man and a woman. but i saw it as the world being gross and there was nothing wrong with me.

about the time i discovered the internet. some girlfriends and i would mess around under the pretense that we were practicing making out and so on for when we had boyfriends, so we would know what to do. one of these girls and i kinda fell for each other and ended up doing a lot more than making out. and when we both finally confided in each other that we were more interested in each other than in finding boyfriends, we did some internet searching to find out if other girls did that. and then we found out what gay was.

i always sort of felt left out because i wasn't excited about the same things that the other girls were (i went to an all girl's school)... getting married (because i couldn't stand the thought of having a boy see me naked) and having babies and having to be some man's servant, or worse, his pretty toy. i felt like there must be something wrong with me not to want the same things, and that if anyone knew how much of a freak i was, no one would like me.

i was scared. gay people weren't really talked about in my family, because military families just don't talk about that. don't ask don't tell and all that. also, catholics pretty much try to pretend gay doesn't exist. but i was pretty sure i remembered hearing somewhere in the bible that gay was wrong. i was afraid i was going to go to hell for not wanting to get married, and just wanting to have sex all the time with my gorgeous girlfriend. i was scared for most of a year. then i got sick of being scared and got angry, and came out.

my father refused to speak another word to me. my mother told me it was just a phase that i'd grow out of. "everyone kisses their girl friends every once in a while" she said. "but eventually you'll realize you need a man in your life." my relationship with my family was hard to begin with, but after i came out, i knew that as soon as i was 18 i'd walk away and never look back. i kind of came out to try and shock them into caring about me just a little. but that was dismissed just as easily as everything else.

my parents were very unsupportive. it could have been worse, i know. they could have thrown me out on the street, but they didn't. they continued to pay for me and my boarding school through high school and kept me on my monthly allowance until i turned 18, and probably would have kept on if i hadn't left. they did their duty financially, but emotionally they were never there. it had nothing to do with the gay thing, they just didn't really want a child. so i know i had it a lot better than a lot of kids who come out to their families while they're still living at home.

i think one of my defining moments as a gay teenager at an all girl's catholic boarding school was when a bunch of girls got all freaked out because they thought i was trying to sneak a peek at them in the changeroom (they made me change separate from the others because i was out about being gay), and ganged up on me, and beat me bloody. no one ever punished them. in fact, i got detention for being a "peeping tom." after that i decided that if no one else was going to look after me, i had to look after myself. i started running and working out so that if anyone ever tried to harm me physically again i could run faster and farther than my attackers and i could run away. it made me stronger in some ways, but at the same time, the situation caused me to lock away some aspects of myself, some of my emotions, and it's been very difficult for me to heal those parts of myself.

i would say to PLEASE, PLEASE don't make this about yourself. it may feel like your child coming out to you is a direct reflection on you as a parent, but it's not. your child figuring out who they are is the most important thing they will ever do. your child is a separate being from you, and needs to be supported and encouraged to be whoever he or she is, even if it's someone who differs from you in a great many ways. if your child is courageously facing those hard things... coming to terms with their sexuality, accepting him or herself for who he/she is... that's something that should be CELEBRATED!!! it's a really good thing. gay people are people, just like everyone else. we all need the love and support of everyone we know and love. trust me. this transition is going to be hard for your child. don't make it any harder on them by denying it, or acting as though your child doesn't know what their talking about. coming out isn't just a whim for the majority of teens. it's a scary scary thing, because it means being picked on. few teens will willingly put themselves in the minority and expose themselves to that kind of potential harrassment just for attention. so listen to your child. respect her/him. and let them know you love them unconditionally. however scary this is for you as a parent, it's 300 times scarier for your child. be there for your child!

 

Are you looking specifically for the experiences of people who came out in their teens? I didn't come out to my parents until my senior year of college, but if that doesn't matter then I'll answer the questions.

 

1. How do you identify yourself? Are you gay, lesbian or bisexual? Lesbian

2. What is your age? 28

Thinking back on your adolescence…..

3. At what age did you begin to “feel different” than the other children?

I remember in middle school thinking that there was something odd about me because I didn't get giddy about male celebrities like my friends did. I would get a boyfriend and after a week or so I'd want him to go away because I didn't like him paying attention to me that way. I found it very odd and it made me uncomfortable. I can also remember looking at, or "checking out" I guess, the other girls in dance class. I don't remember it turning me on sexually, because I didn't understand sex at all at that age (I was so behind), but I remember being fascinated with their bodies. I remember one girl didn't wear underwear under her leotard so sometimes I could see her crotch and I would just STARE, like a moron, not thinking it was weird or anything! Another incident was in high school when one of my friends brought a romance novel to school. She had me read a passage of a very sexual description of a woman's body. I had a very intense reaction to it, like it totally turned me on and I was so embarrassed. I had to leave the room because I thought everyone could tell.

4. At what age did you identify to yourself that you were gay?

When I was 18 I came out as bisexual, but I really wasn't. I just thought it would be easier to deal with rather than saying "lesbian". I didn't start identifying as a lesbian until I was 21.

5. What were some of the feelings/emotions that you experienced BEFORE you identified yourself as gay?

Just very confused at why I would have intense feelings about certain girls and not feel that way about boys. I can remember two "crushes" I had in high school on these girls and I was totally into them. I felt very embarrassed at how I acted around them and could not understand why they made me so nervous and why I was obsessing over them! I did the same thing with a dance teacher I had. She was way older than me, but I remember I just wanted her to like hug me and hold me. Like I said, I didn't quite understand sex but I wanted a physical thing with her and I couldn't understand it. I would always try really hard to get her attention. I was attending church at the time and thought that there was no way I was gay. It couldn't even be a possibility.

6. What were some of the feelings/emotions that you experienced AFTER you identified yourself as gay?

Fear and relief. Fear of how people would react to me - friends and family. And relieved that I could finally make sense of what I'd been feeling all those years. And I also had concern of how I was going to go about my life from that point on. I knew it was going to be much harder for me to find a partner and that she and I would probably experience discrimination and hate.

7. What was your experience with the reactions of family members during this period of ‘coming out’?

My sister wasn't very happy and got very upset. Like she didn't really want to hear it and it disappointed her and maybe freaked her out a little. Oddly enough, my parents told me that they kind of suspected and, even though they did not agree, they said they loved me anyway. My cousins seemed okay with it and one of my aunts. So far, no one else knows.

8. Do you feel as though your parents were supportive or unsupportive of your coming out? What could they have done differently?

They surprised me with their reaction. I really thought they were going to freak out and kick me out of the house. They didn't seem shocked, but more disappointed. My mother said to me once that if my dad's congregation found out I was gay, then they would get rid of him. I don't know if that's true or not but I know she said to make me feel guilty. However, they were very nice to the two girlfriends I had that they actually met. I guess I wish they would have tried more to understand it, rather than being in denial about it.

9. Adolescence is a tough time for anyone growing up, especially tough for a teen that is discovering that they are gay. Please pick a defining moment in your teen years that made an impression on your self esteem/self worth AT THAT TIME.

The obsessiveness I had with this one girl got way out of hand. The feelings I had were romantic and went far beyond platonic. I was about 16 and did some things that I don't really want to elaborate on, but I just could NOT understand myself and have it coincide with the beliefs of the church I attended. I did end up in counseling (at a Christian counseling place), they medicated me and just told me I was co-dependent. I had a hard time accepting and loving myself during that time, because the definition of "co-dependency" just didn't fit my "problem".

10. What advice would you give to the parents of a child who is discovering that they are gay?

It's not your fault. They are born this way and all you can do is accept it. Do NOT make them feel guilty, live in denial or minimize it. You did NOT raise them the wrong way. Your child's life will be much different than a heterosexual child's life and they will need your support.

 

Eh, guess I'll fill this out for kicks, hope it helps.

1. How do you identify yourself? Are you gay, lesbian or bisexual?

I actually identify as queer, rather than any of these, as these terms, to my mind, don't leave enough room for varying gender identity. My body is female, as is my lover's body, and I respond to female pronouns, as it's easiest. So I guess "lesbian" works, but I don't strongly gender identify as female. I suppose I'm somewhat female, but also very much male, and very much androgynous. If I think of myself as genderfluid/genderqueer, and I am attracted to other genderqueer girls, is it really correct for me to say I am a lesbian? But if it has to be one of those three for the purposes of your study, then lesbian is fine.

2. What is your age?

23.

Thinking back on your adolescence…..

3. At what age did you begin to “feel different” than the other children?

Since I can remember. Way back in the day. I never wanted to be a girl, really. I hated dresses. I wanted to be a tomboy, you know, be tough and crass and good at sports and shit like that. I wasn't really good at that shit though (I've realized since then that if I had been born biologically male, I'd probably still have been genderqueer ^_^). I didn't have much use for girls in elementary school, they were weird and I didn't understand them. I wanted to be friends with the boys.

4. At what age did you identify to yourself that you were gay?

I was brought up very Catholic, so for years I just wouldn't let my mind go down that road. It probably wasn't until I was 16, maybe even 17 that I really allowed myself to acknowledge the possibility that I was gay. At that time, I thought that I was probably bisexual. By time I was 20, I started using the term queer instead. It wasn't until I lost my dyke virginity to my current girlfriend when I was 22 that I realized how gay I really am, and that I have little to no interest in ever fucking cis-gendered boys again (though I'm pretty attracted to transmen and drag kings!).

5. What were some of the feelings/emotions that you experienced BEFORE you identified yourself as gay?

In regards to my sexuality? Fear, mostly, I suppose. And loneliness. I remember thinking very often that it was okay for other people to be gay, but I couldn't possibly be gay, of course not, oh no not me. I'd start looking at other girls' bodies, and then I'd catch myself and just shut off my brain. I was very, very attracted to my best friend, also, and so I experienced intense desire for closeness to her that was very confusing until later on. So a lot of frustration, as well.

6. What were some of the feelings/emotions that you experienced AFTER you identified yourself as gay?

Relief. A year or two after I stopped being Catholic, I began to identify myself (to myself, and one or two friends) as bisexual. I stopped shutting myself down so much in regards to my feelings towards women. Even though I kept dating boys (I had no confidence with girls), I fantasized about girls all the time, and felt relief that I was able to be honest with myself about what I felt.

7. What was your experience with the reactions of family members during this period of ‘coming out’?

I didn't come out to my parents until I was 22. The rest of my family still doesn't know. My father was initially upset, but after a while he decided that as long as I'm a good person, it doesn't matter, and he's done his best to accept it. My mom got on anti-anxiety meds and wouldn't talk to me about it at all until half a year later, at which point she said that she wasn't convinced that I hadn't been "indoctrinated" by my hippie college, and seemed to think she could argue me out of my sexuality. She also basically told me that she doesn't want me to have children.

Oh, and though my sister told me initially that she doesn't care, she basically won't talk to me.

8. Do you feel as though your parents were supportive or unsupportive of your coming out? What could they have done differently?

I feel that they were as supportive as they could have been. My mother is a hardcore Catholic, and I know that this is hard for her to reconcile with her religious beliefs. My father is still working on it, and even though it's still tough for him, he'll talk about my girlfriend with me, and gave her a big hug when they met (my mom hasn't met her yet). Still, their initial reactions were much more negative than I think I anticipated. They're politically liberal, and I think I thought it was so obvious that they had to know somehow, so when the reaction was so bad it really messed up my mind for a few months. Ye olde Catholic Guilt was stirred up pretty hard, and I had a hard time being sexual with my girlfriend for a couple months after that because I would start feeling guilty about how I was hurting my parents, especially after finding out that my mom was on meds because of it.

I don't know that they could have done anything differently. Maybe I could have. Maybe I could have chosen a different time or way to tell them or something. I'd have liked it if my mom in particular would have, well, actually believed me, but denial is a part of loss, right? The only thing I can think of that I really wish they'd done differently is checked out the local PFLAG. I gave them a book about coming out, written from the perspective of a parent who had a hard time when her son came out, and I gave them the number of the local PFLAG. I know they feel kind of isolated, like this big thing happened to them that they can't talk about with most of their friends, and I think it'd be helpful for them to talk to other parents who have gone through the same thing.


9. Adolescence is a tough time for anyone growing up, especially tough for a teen that is discovering that they are gay. Please pick a defining moment in your teen years that made an impression on your self esteem/self worth AT THAT TIME.

Hm. Well, when I was in 7th grade, I had an English class in which we were allowed to sit where we wanted, so all the girls sat on one side, all the boys sat on the other side, and I sat in the back of all the boys. One day, one of the guys just turned around and asked me out of the blue,

"Are you a dyke?"
"Uh, no."
"Why not?"
"Because I like guys."
"Well, you seem like you should be one."

He didn't even say it as if he was making fun of me, just as if it had occured to him, and it made sense, and he was wondering. I felt so weird. I felt like I was lying. I felt like there was no way to be normal. I just wanted to be one of the guys, but I couldn't be. The closest I could be to one of the guys would have been to be a dyke, but that meant being even more of an outcast in life and then going to hell when I died. I think I tried less to be part of the guys' conversations after that. I didn't want men to think of me in a sexual way, but it seemed like that that was more normal than what felt normal to me. A little later I developed a friendship with a boy who was sort of a social outcast too, and dated him because I just wanted that attention, which basically led to me being sexually manipulated. I went along with it because I was so lonely.

10. What advice would you give to the parents of a child who is discovering that they are gay?

Let them feel how they feel. Sexuality is too strong to be denied forever without terrible consequences. Accepting one's own sexuality leads to greater peace of mind and a happier life. There are books out there about coming to terms with your child's sexuality, read them. Just be kind to your child. Tell them that you love them. Even if it goes against your own ideas or religion, learn to embrace it; your mind can be changed, their sexuality can't be. If you want to have a good relationship with your child throughout the rest of your life, you're going to have to learn to love this very important part of who they are.