I'm that guy that always asks for relationship advice..

I know I always end up asking you guys for relationship advice, and this is a drug forum, but in the past I've receive such thoughtful and inspiring advice I thought I'd just try again.

Little back story, I was in a 5 year relationship, experienced lots of pain and abuse during it, finally broke things off with her about 5 months ago now, thingsg have been awful, very messy break up, lots of hate from her, threats, what have you. I have remained calm, telling her when shes ready to talk civilly, I'm here. Clearly, she's not ready yet. I've been living at my moms, my parents recently split up, both are back on drugs, I'm pulled between them, just things are pretty awful.

Shortly after the break up, I reconnected with this guy I work with. I've always been attracted to him, he's really smart, funny, caring, pretty much everything I look for in a mate. Through out this crazy break up, he became my rock, super supportive, nonjudgemental, shoulder to cry on, all that good stuff. And he and I both carry a decent amount of emotional baggage in terms of previous relationships and stuff with our pasts (drugs and alcohol), and family "issues". And I've also been quite guarded with him because of the drama I just went through with my girlfriend.

And as of last week, we are "officially" dating, and I just said sure without even really thinking and now I feel trapped and have a feeling in my gut that I just need to be alone for a while. And this thought terrifies me, and that's the main reason I think it is needed because because afraid to be alone is never a good place to be. I lose sight of the fact that I am fully capable of functioning independently, and I really think the main reason I committed was not because I wanted to "take things to the next level", but because I am terrified of losing him as a friend, lover, support, everything.

I don't know, I'm just confused. My heart is still mending from my last relationship, and today it felt like I kinda just woke up and was like "WHAT. I'm in another relationship!?" Huh?! How'd this happen?" I need time to heal, but do I need to be isolated and alone to do this or is it possible to heal from one relationship while being in another? Gah, any and all advice, much appreciated.

 

You really fucked yourself now! You better hope his genes are good!

 

I always thought you were a girl.

 

Thank you both for the responses. But... huh?!

 

I always thought you were a girl too......

You shouldn't have jumped into a rebound like that, because that's exactly what happened.

You started dating the person who was 'there for you' after you were crushed from the heartbreak of your last relationship. You weren't healing, you were growing dependent on someone else so you wouldn't feel the full brunt of the pain. People do it all the time, and don't even realize it, and that new relationship turns to shit really fast because you're still carrying the shitstorm of emotions from your last relationship, and you never really deal with them, you just sweep them under the carpet until one day something goes wrong and BAM. You lose that person, and now you suffer BOTH heartbreaks at the same time. - This has been my experience and what I've seen.

You need to break it off before anything else happens. Have you had sex with this girl? I hope not. You should stay friends. A true friend is better than a lover any day, because they'll always be there, even when your last lover is long gone. I ended in a really nasty position. I ended up becoming best friends with someone, and falling in love with them, and we dated for almost 2 years. After he left, and even moved to another state, I was in a state of unbearable pain for 5 stright weeks. Wondering if I should continue living, if I'd ever find someone like him again. I didn't just lose my lover, I lost my best friend. That may be true for some relationships when you get rerally close with someone, but I lost him, and had no one to fall back on. Only people online that I talked to, and 1 true friend I have here. He helped me a bit, but I suffered through most of it alone.

Keep your friends close, don't rush into relationships because your hurt. Use logic, not emotions, to make decisions.

 

just tell the dude you want to take it slowly, that you just got out of a relationship, etc. you can be in a relationship without it being super serious.

 

Stella,

I understand right were you are coming from. I was going through a three year divorce that sucked the life out of me. Even during that time I still tried to get back with her but it was all because of my daughter that I even tried. Needless to say she just used me during that time and took advantage of the situation to get what she wanted. Anyway, enough about me and let's get started with you. I am not going to profess to say what you need to do. You need to make that decision on your own. It's your life and you don't need to really listen to anyone else but you. Now, that being said. You are just projecting your feeling for your former relationship onto your new one. Not all relationships are the same, try not to let your old one reflect on your new one. If you like this guy then like him. Enjoy your time with him but let him know you need your own space as well. Just because you are in a relationship does not mean you can't still have time for yourself. Everyone always thinks that being in a relationship means you need to spend all of your free time with each other. Not true. Take your own time, keep your own space and learn to respect each other. Relationships are based upon a mutual respect for each other.

I think you really like this guy, at least that is the impression that I get from our previous conversations. I suggest that you talk to him about how you feel and come up with an answer together. That is the best answer I could give you. You will not know what you have until you ask. Good Luck.

 

Don't try to over-analyze. There are no rules. Only what feels right. If it feels right to be in this relationship at this time then enjoy. It's hard to find good people and if you found someone (him or her-I'm still not sure if you are a guy or girl and if the other is a guy or a girl) then go for it.

Don't over-think things-it's not worth it. And it usually doesn't help in the end.

 

First of all, YES, I am a girl. I see the confusion now because I was dating another girl, and now I'm dating a guy.

Thank you all for the responses, I am absorbing and reflecting upon them right now, I'll write something more meaningful and worthwhile in a bit!

 

^^^i think the title is what was confusing

 

Ohhhh hahaha, I didn't even think of that...

Yeah, that's a common saying that comes out of my mouth, apparently not a common one that comes through my fingers onto the internet though.

Like anytime something happens, specially when I'm with Vermonters, someone goes "Ohhh, I'm that guy that...." Like "I'm that guy that spilt the bong water!" or "I'm that guy that runs red lights, whoops!"

Sorry for the confusion!!!

 

break up, take some pills and go to Divas... or wallow in it... or let it all out in a tempest of rage and sex and rage. is it all just swirling around up there? are you a passive one in the relationship? is it all gonna go to shit?


i have soooo many questions,....stoney balogna.

 

for some reason i've always assumed you were a female, stella

 

Alright B,

lemme shed my opinions on this situation. Because incase you didn't realize theshow always has an opinion.

Startrekken hit on my point already so i won't over kill that...mutual respect is the key...more over love of oneself allows for love in relationship to exist. I'm just finishin Mastery of Love by Ruiz...another great Toltec wisdom book. Really is helping me breathe easier daily.

As for the situation at hand with the Mister, I think you need to drive full steam ahead with this one. Are you still in a healing stage? Why of course you are. However, you two didn't rush into things from day one. its been a rather slow process to allow healing to occur on both ends. Don't forget his psycho ex- Biaaaatch. This guy strikes a chrod inside of you B, the excitment in your tone when you tell me about seeing him and this and that is unparalleled in the couple of years I've known you.

I think being in the stage of healing you arewil be beneficial to the two of you in the long run.

 

things were great between you guys when you weren't dating, so i think you should keep it that way. if you have any doubts in a relationship because you don't think you are ready, then you aren't ready..

he sounds like a really great guy, and how you are speaking of you guys's relationship before you dated sounds like he will always be there for you no matter what. you should be by yourself until you healed and are over your past relationship before you start anything new. and i'd be willing to bet he'd be fine with it and still be there for you no matter what.


good luck, bailey!!

 

well sexy lady, i think that trauma is a powerful thing. as soon as my relationship happened (before all the shit that happening happened) i remembered the trauma from my last relationship, and felt exactly that way, and while not everything in our situations are the same i see a trend. just work through it, the fear will pass

 

at least you two haven't degraded your human beingness by being the object of each others' sexual desire...or something Kantian like that...

don't mind that drivel.

i wish i had the ability to recognize my autonomy and independence as a being capable of managing himself. unfortunately, i am terribly dependent. at least you are not me.

as per your situation, you seem to have been given satisfactory responses, but i shall add this token:

from what i know, you seem to be a person with the kind of spiritual charisma that allows one the ability to see things in circumspect, the ability and fortitude to know that sometimes it's best to perceive things when stepping back and looking at things holisitically.

you know who you are, you know how you react to things, and you know, or have an inkling to know, how things might react to you, more importantly, you seem to have the ability to ascertain logic in the face of (often irrational, some might say always) emotion.

basically, every time i've read any of your deeply introspective threads, i've gathered that you are able to see things very clearly when things seem so absconded. you are intelligent and compassionate and at the very end of the day, these traits are innate, and no matter how destructive things may seem to be around you, these positive qualities will ultimately triumph and even if it appears things take a different direction, different from what you may hope, your intrinsic goodness as a human being is inextricable.

take this all as a token platitude or hoity-toity evaluation of no real consequence, in the end your ability to make people smile remains a constant. because, as i've gathered, it is who you are, which is evident in your ability to attract somebody even during such turmoil.

yeah, i don't know. maybe that all means something.

 

ya fucked up.. we all do it...

i'd elaborate more.. but my head hurts

 

Thank you all for the kind words, advice and support.
Startreken, Chuck and Horace especially, your words definitely gave me a completely new perspective to view everything. Your words also lifted my sense of overwhelming looming dread that's been encompassing my thoughts whenever I think about these things for an extended period of time, and yes, reading what you guys wrote almost moved me to tears, I'll admit it haha.

Last night I just sat for a long while, thinking about how I was feeling, just feeling the way I was feeling and trying to look at it from an outsiders perspective, turned my phone off, turned all the lights and distractions off, and just sat. And the thought just kept popping into my mind "Why do you think you need to suffer to heal?" Which is what I DO think, that to get "better" you need to go through hell and fight and suffer and scratch to the top, but that's not true. I can have love and support and happiness, and still heal. I can smile and laugh and enjoy myself and still be dealing with negative emotions. These things don't work in a black and white way, all can coexist, and all DO coexist, so why is it so hard for me to believe I can be in a relationship, a healthy, new and fresh and exciting relationship and still be independent, and happy and healing and myself, all of me, not losing any of that to the relationship as a seperate force?

Thoughts to ponder, thoughts to ponder...

 

Thank you, saved me sometime from going "are you gay?"