Let's make jokes!!

Real baby instructions

 

hehehe...that's good...funny...I'm running out of jokes...I hope people contribute more soon...

 

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

hahahaha, freekin funny

 

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!"

 

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

 

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins until losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to college on the east coast and the guy went to the west coast, They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together.


As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return letters. When he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did was this: she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriends cock and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend. leave me alone." Well, needles to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

 

two old ladies sitting at the bus stop smoking their cigarettes. It starts to rain, lady 1 pulls out a condom. Lady two asks what thats for. lady one replie, as she opens the condom and snips the tip off, its a raincoat for my cigarette. So the next day lady2 goes to the gas station and asks the clerk if they hae any condoms and he replies yes what siz??? lady2 replies anything that will fir a camel.

 

Hehe! I love jokes....



What did the maxi pad say to the fart?





You are the wind beneath my wings.



There's a sperm swimming along, doing his duty, when he comes accross the egg. He is so excited to be the one to discover the egg, he decides to introduce himself. "Hello egg, I am a sperm." And the egg says, "I'm not an egg you idiot, I'm a tonsil!"


A husband and wife were having their wedding night. They had never seen each other naked before. The man takes off his shoes, and his toes are all green with boils all over them. "Oh my god," says his wife. "What happened to your toes?"
"I have toelio," he said.
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, toelio, it only effects the toes."
So his wife just shrugged it off and the man took off his pants. His knees are all red and puss-filled. "Oh my god!" says his wife. "What happened to your knees?"
"I have kneesles," he explained.
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles--it only effects the knees."
So his wife just shrugs it off. Then the man takes off his shorts...
"Oh god," said his wife. "Let me guess--you also have smallcox!"

 

I was in college and me and my husband had just married about 6 mounths ago. It was winter time and the car broke down from the cold. I had to go to class so my husband said that he would work on the car.

When I was walking back to our apartment from class I saw the car in front with my husbands legs sticking out the front. I smiled and walked over to the car as quietly as humanly possible. Than i slowly unzipped his pants and pulled out his dick. I gave him a quick rub and then ran inside to the warmth.

When i got inside my husband was sitting on the couch. I just stared at him."If your here..." i said "then who's out there?!"
"Oh, I called a mechanic to come out here and fix the car because it was to hard for me" he said "Why do you ask?"

I just stared at him for almost 5 minutes. When i told him my story he just couldn't stop laughing. Then he went out to see the macanic but he had gotten up and run away.

My husband told all of his friends.

We never did get that old car fixed...

 

Q. How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A. Stick two fingers in his honey.

 

so gross.. lol...

Why dont Catholics believe in using condems??

The bible says there should be no condem-nation!
muahahahah..

What goes clip clop clip clop clip bang plop?
an amish drive-by

 

Q. What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on a bug?

A. Dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-ant dead-ant dead-ant, dead-ant, dead-annnnnt!

 

This is for us Baby boomers:

Why can't Smokey the Bear's wife get pregnant?
Because everytime she gets hot, he hits her over the head with a shovel!

Such a bad joke.

 

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirins and a glass of
water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

 

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get that?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel.

The pharmacist faints.

 

Sure way to get a ticket

 

I went to urinate in a heavily graffitied restroom one time and while reading the stupid comments one stood out "What are you reading this for? The joke's in your hand"*

Made me laugh.

*disclaimer-My dick is of average length and size, the joke although funny had no merit of truth.