I Want To Die

I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate everyone. I just want to die. I'm 32 and I live with my parents, have no car and no job. That's the social definition of a loser. I'm fat and ugly and no one loves me. I face constant rejection from almost all females. Even the guys at the rest stop won't let me s*** their c***s. I have dysthymia, depression, ADD, acute traumatic stress, and just enough asperger's to make my social skills suck but not enough to diagnose. I don't understand other people and they don't understand me. I feel like there's not much reason to talk to others because I have almost nothing in common with anyone and few people agree with my views. No one seems to care about logic, they just state how they feel and think that their feelings make things real and then they start distorting the meaning of words when you point out that they contradict themselves. I feel like I don't even speak the same language as others. When my expression is nutral people think I'm sad, when my expression is sad people think I'm mad. People are afraid of me because I'm big. Why can't people understand that fat isn't muscle and the only person I could ever hurt is myself. Girls aren't interested in me because I have no confidence. Where am I supposed to get confidence if girls aren't interested in me? Should I just pull it out of my ass? It's a vicious circle. All my freinds and siblings moved out, got married, had kids. I'm the eternal teenager. Nothing ever goes right for me. I feel like my life is some big joke, and the longer I live the more of a fool I make of myself. I could die now miserable and lonely or I can die old, miserable and lonely. Who would stick around for that? I'm full of hatred and rage for the whole world for rejecting me and ignoring me and letting me suffer. I really, really want to kill myself, but I don't because it would upset my parents too much. It's not fair, why should I have to suffer for their happyness? Living so others won't be upset just isn't enough of a reason to live. All I can see in my futre is long years of misery and lonelyness. I'm a horrible, aweful, worthless person. I just want to die.

 

do something... get a job, save money and get the hell out of there. start over. begin a new life for yourself. begin walking, do yoga. there are things you can do to turn your life around

 

Sounds like you got some serious depression there. Part of the problem is that your depression only allows you to see things from a very negative perspective.

Easy things become difficult and difficult things become hopeless. Do you smoke herb? For me, marijuana does for me what prescription meds can't.

For me, being stoned actually makes me think better about things because it takes away the mentally debilitating effects of depression.

Aside from that though, one thing I've learned, is that it's only a good idea to worry about the things making you depressed during time when you aren't so depressed, because thinking about them when you are depressed will just make you more depressed and it's a vicious cycle.

Just take care of yourself for a while and don't think about those depressing things...then when you are in a better frame of mind, take just a peice of it and see if you can do with it.

But believe me, I know...looking at all the crap at once when you are already depressed is a fast way to become suicidal! Don't do that! Just relax a while...smoke some reefer if you can and when you feel a little better, just try to find one thing in your life you can change for the better.

You gotta start somewhere however small.

Hope this helps some...trust me, I do know about depression! I got myself shot by a cop once trying to kill myself, so I have been there!
Hope you feel better and find the answers you need.

 

interesting... you sound like me but with a penis. :grouphug:

i'm not sure what i can say to you to make you feel any better. i hurt for you. i'm honestly choked up right now. i could get all philosophical on you, but i feel you need to just be held for a month straight and petted.

please stop comparing yourself to others.. fuck'em. your path in life is different from all of theirs. you have something special.. really you do! just slow down.. stop and think to yourself.. "whats good about me?" and don't tell me "nothing"... i know you got at least one thing... just one thing..

i'm jealous that your parents would be upset if you harmed yourself. i tried to kill myself a year ago.. and NO ONE in my family has even said anything to me about it.. they didn't even find out until months later. i was in the hospital for 4 days.. ..

PM me if you need to just ramble and vent. don't give up yet... you're not done here in this life time.

 

Damn sorry this is all happening to you. On this earth "we" can do anything, us, right now, it just takes the will to do it. Like Boog said, fuck other people, do you think they care about you? no so dont even take them into consideration. think about it, there are tons of things you could do. Just put your heart into something, maybe get a gym membership or cut the weight running. Were guys man, losing weight is easy, just put the effort.

When Im feeling down, I walk outside and observe my surroundings, just take everything in and I know you'll feel better.

 

You have to simply re-invest in your life. You have an attitude that, to me, seems to indicate you believe you cannot change. You need to, as someone else has already said, get a job, buy a car, move out.

It can all be done. I am a lot younger than you but I I spent 3 years basically sitting around the house playing Xbox, whilst I threw away a university degree. Since, I have learnt to drive, gone back to college and am now ready to progress back to university once more.

In terms of health, I was pretty over weight at some points. Just jog, swim, box, do something like that and you will see the weight fall off you. I am back to my normal BMI.

End of the day, I don't want to flash my successes your way to gloat, it is simply to show you that I truly felt lost as you did. It is hard work but you can start over.

 

go live on the streets. volunteer @ a local soup kitchen. pick up aluminum cans. a great way to lose weight, all these are. ride a bicycle. paddle a boat. exactly what part of of new england? i`m sure there`s a gathering somewhere around there.

 

Every moment is a new beginning.

 

man you think youre messed up, you obviously havent read some of the other posts on here.. you seem normal compared to most of these people...LOL
Look around, man, there are ALOT of people on here to talk to..

 

Uh o, he hasnt been on for 4 days....I hope he didnt take the easy way out. Like all things in life, we have to think the positive and prey he is still with us.

 

I feel exactly the same way. I am atrociously ugly and suffer from the same mental illness. My social skills are nonexistant and believe it or not that's the least of my problems. I know this is no encouragement but I'm going to kill myself very soon, I'm just waiting for the right moment, whenever I decide this drinking binge is over. When the booze runs out it's peace out for me. I know what you're going through so I won't tell you not to kill yourself, but be absolutely sure there's no other way before you make such a permanent decision. Life is a heartbreakingly beautiful thing and being doomed to watch it from the outside with no chance of ever really being a part of it is gut-wrenching agony. I wish you the best of luck.

 

I wanted to kill myself twice during my life time. First time when I moved to Canada and I thought I really dont belong there. but I got married and had a kid. and then second time when i went through a postpartum depression. My husband took my child and kicked me out of my own house. well, I laid in bed for five months and cried. and then he called me up for something he needed, you know.... so i asked him if he could buy me 50 ecstasy pills. the most i ever done at once was 10 and at times i thought i could die, so i thought 50 will do it. well the moral of my story is, instead of helping me killing myself my story took another turn. He lost the baby to the system, and she was placed with my family, which gave me more access. and he told me (before that all happened) that he still cares for me and i should really think about it.
now, my point is, that several times life has done something different from what I was gonna do. even when youre really down, little things happen to you that can turn into bigger things and completely turn your life around. I thought Im never goin to have a family with anyone. but the thing is, I did find that person, when I wasnt even looking. I thought life couldnt get worse. But now i am just about to go to college in september, had another place for half a year, have a job (well, it IS a job somewhat) and my kid spends a lot of time with me. I had none of that before, except a job, but thats not the point. life will play games with you, but it will always lift you up when youre down. so many people cross paths when you least expect it. you just have to change your outlook and maybe do get out there, start volunteering if you think you cant get hired for your position of choice. read a book if you think you cant get into that college you want. hang out with friends if you feel lonely you dont have a girlfriend. but do get out there and you will meet someone special.

 

This is what I say to myself. "There is more to this life than liking or being liked."

 

As I just said about 5 minutes ago good nutrition is the key to many many problems great and small. Maybe this will help.

 

The way I see it - this is a new generation. I've had the same problems, but I'm able to deal with them. At 17, I was a school drop out, autistic, ADHD, and depressed. I spent 3 years in a cabin in the middle of the woods by myself, not contact with other humans. I had a cat, the internet, and the wildlife outside. After those 3 years of trying to fix my problem, I left and moved in with my mom. The way I fixed myself was through mantra meditation and surrender. I trained my mind not to think so much, and also surrendered to my problems. I have had major improvement and I usually feel like I did when I was a kid. I use to be numb, depressed, and unable to talk to people without humiliating myself. Now I'm outgoing, charismatic, and still logical. I can still relate to people like you and me, but I can also interact with people who ain't like me. I learned that from my cat and the animals outside. The way you see people is exactly the way I see them. Fake, deceitful, etc... But I look at them like cats. Our evolution does not stop at being a human being-it is still going. We are still adapting. Wait to adapt. The fake people are like monkeys, our former selfs that we have evolved from. Anxiety Disorder/Depression is not cured by medication or therapy. Those are coping skills. The day it will really be cured is when it disappears. The day it disappears is when our generation overtakes the majority and we become an evolved species. You don't know it, but there are tons people just like me and you, mostly the young people. A lot of them are my friends, because I have surrounded myself with people like you after I figured out what was really going on. We all feel like we're screwed up in the head, man. But we are not, we are the product of years and years of evolution. One day there will be another wave of people, they will feel the same way towards us, although I do not think it will be that intense, because this is the first time evolution has taken this kind of step. This ain't a evolution of body like it was with apes to humans. This is a evolution of the mind. Just wait, bro, it'll come. You can email me or phone me anytime you want to talk about stuff. I was actually diagnosed with aspergers syndrome, and it ruled my thought process for a while.

Brainsturbator

 

can you help me and others who are depressed to be able to take this perspective?

 

i think he might have done it.

 

yeah man thats exactly whats been bothering me

 

we're all gonna die sometime

 

If you so feel, than so be it. But all actions have a reaction. One may think that suicide is a way out, but its not. Life is more complicated and harder to gain control over than what we would like to admit to.