I was looking through my documents this morning and came across this story. I must have written it in early July. Anyway, I fixed it up a bit, and I was thinking about including it in my manuscript. This particular story was inspired by Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. I would recommend that book to anyone. It's ending is a bit abrupt. Let me know what you think of it. Commerce and business were abundant on the small island off of the southern coast of what once was known as California. Life was fast paced, and it was quite seldom when employees thereof would allow obstacles to interfere with their busy day. In and out of towners alike made a daily commute to the office to pump along the city’s successful flow of business. It was early evening, around five o’clock, when the sun began to fade and the city’s early risers were overwhelmed with the exhaustion of another work day. The rapidly setting sun’s last few rays reflected off of the city’s glass buildings like wild fire as traffic hastily poured though the streets. Hectic Monday morning’s meant tiresome Monday evenings. Night life in the city is left solely to the twilight, for there is little time for amusement and relaxation when there are major companies to maintain. It was certain that another day of hard work, dedication, and prosperity lie ahead. Although the rush of the day had soon died with the coming of dusk, the buildings stood tall and majestically, and shined prevailingly through the night sky as though it were a guiding light to success, a clear representation of these daily expectations. The sun surely rose the next day, peering brightly in the pale blue sky. It was once again greeted by the early risers making their way through the streets to their places of business. No one ever questioned the day. Spontaneity was non existent in 4488. “Industrial prosperity is the key to paradise…” read billboards throughout the city. Climate, natural occurrences, and even the early risers themselves, were completely controlled. In society, there was no need for human intelligence, organized religion, political leaders, or free will. For technology was the answer. Humans were for labor. Humans protected technology, and as they are told by the high authority, mostly consisting of scientists, technology protected them. The hours passed along steadily as the early risers bustled about their business, never stopping to converse, or take in a moment of serenity. At exactly 12:30p.m., a timely soft tone was heard throughout the city. In a silent single file line, the early risers in their own place of business, waited along a large metal machine in which processed their lunch in its own internal assembly line, and neatly produced a clean, bright red tray with all of the necessities of a healthy well-balanced meal. Employee K073187 was last on line, straight faced, awaiting his turn when he was startled by an earth shattering explosion, and thrown violently into the metal machine. Upon gaining consciousness, horribly frightened by what he had witnessed. N120688 was an employee of a major corporation across town. She also witnessed this immense, unexplainable phenomenon, and soon found herself trembling with fear, laying among a small pool of her own blood. The few survivors were scattered across the great city, among the rubble, the flames, and the thick black smoke clouds that hovered over the empty skyline like an unstoppable, diabolical force. The survivors had never known the impact of a wound, or felt their own blood seeping slowly across their skin. They had never experienced death, for it was accustomed to arrive with old age only. And with old age came the transport from the life of an early riser, to the caretaking of the upper authority. “…and only will the boundless guidance of an organized, higher authority lead you to the door of this everlasting utopia.” Their only form of “protection” was obviously nonfunctional. And this promise of “boundless guidance” was nowhere to be found. Along with the lack of need for one’s free will came the lack of need for emotion, extensive knowledge, and questions regarding one’s history and surroundings. The survivors were oblivious to the fact that this phenomenon was an immense object that had crashed into the east coast of what once was the United States, and was slowly, yet surely destroying the earth as we know it. Life was a daily routine of blissful bustle. The survivors did not understand their overwhelming feelings of fear and pain. They were not able to respond to such a disastrous situation, because the idea of which was not ever exposed to them. There was no need for much communication in this great city. Children were produced in sterile laboratories in which were unknown to the common early riser, trained up until the age of fifteen by the upper authority, and then sent out to complete their given task in life. Tasks and regulations were abided by, and the thought of the help or guidance of another a fellow early riser was virtually non-existent. The survivors silently wondered among the wreckage, unable to comprehend the feelings of bewilderment, fear, and isolation from everything they were once trained to live by. Days passed as they anxiously awaited word from the upper authority. The feel of desperation and hopelessness grew strong among them. This, they also did not understand, but they certainly felt the affect of. A large circular, fluorescent object peered through the dark, empty sky. K073187 stared in awe from a distance as it slowly hovered closer and closer over the surface of the earth..
i enjoyed that i've been meaning to read "brave new world" for aaaages, and if it's anything like this, then i think i'll probably like it! cool! but, more to the point, i thought that was definitely a good short story. i would agree that it the ending is "a bit abrupt", but with a cliffhanger like that, i assume that it's not intended as a standalone piece anyway? the only thing i'd say is that the character names are quite long! i might get confused if one name was similar to another... but yeah. also, towards the beginning some of the sentences seemed quite long and verbose - i don't know if that's the feel you're going for - but it might lose some readers. as my english teacher says, "a short sentence in the middle of a wordy paragraph can have great impact!" that's about it really. very cool. hope you write some more, it's an intriguing concept! xxx
Thanks :] Yeah, I was trying to add a little suspense at the end with the cliffhanger, but idk, something about it just seemed abrupt. I figured the names might become a bit confusing, so I tried to focus more on the plot rather than particular characters.
I'm sure you've heard of Ayn Rand. If you haven't, you should read her. I love Huxley, and I thought the beginning of your story was nicely influenced by his style. So far out and freaky, not sexy enough, though. Then again, I might be a perv.
I read it and usaully I have a very strong opinion. but, after reading this I have none. I don't know if that's good or bad. I will re-read and then post. Little later... I read it again. It was interesting. It wasn't boring but it was missing something. I just didn't feel for anything in the story at all. it didn't get me thinking that much either. You did a really good job with the waiting a while to tell you more about the explosion but I think you need to put more emphasis on something. I don't think the story had enough meaning to it. It seemed kinda pointless like I was just wasting time. Yet, it did keep me interested, I think you just need to reread it and critique it then edit. If you like it the way it is keep it otherwise, you should definetly work on it a little bit more. It is good it just needs a little help (in my opinion anyway) I hope I helped
As much as I liked Brave New World, the ending frustrated me. Which is why in some ways I like your story more Normally I'd write more, but I'm really tired and I'm going to bed <3
