I'm in love with my best friend, this wouldn't be too much of a problem if her boyfriend wasn't also my mate and that we all lived toghether for four years. I'm not some stupid teen with a crush, I'm in my twenties and have had relationships form and break up I can deal with it. But here's the situation, My friend and I met at Uni we were neighburs in our halls of residents and became really close, we cooked for each other every night and whenever someone came looking for her they'd knock on my door because we always hung out together. I developed a crush on her but was too insecure and had too low self esteem to do anything about it. Then being a beautiful young woman she found a boyfriend and within about a month he was all but living in her room. The three of us got on great, I hid my feelings and we all hung out together. When the time came to find a flat they decided that they wanted to live together, but since they'd both never lived with a partner they asked me to move in so they'd have someone to break the tension if their relationship went south. I refused at first (I'm not crazy I didn't want to live with a couple when I was in love with one of them), I said I didn't want to share a flat with a couple as I'd done it before and things could get pretty tense when they argued. We found a fourth flatmate to even the odds but they dropped out at the last second. So now I was living with my best mate and his girlfriend (who I loved imensly by this point) in a two bedroom flat. Luckily she's quiet when she has sex so I only heard her moaning occaisonally (our rooms were next to each other) but they liked to shower together so I'd see them coming too or from the bathroom wrapped in towels and he'd always be grabbing her arse or canoodling with her in front of me (this wasn't nastiness on their part I'd never tell her how I felt). Knowing that the girl you'd give your right arm to be with is next door getting pounded by a guy whose better looking than you and a really good friend to boot hurts like fuck. Me and her were still really good mates so I also got to listen to all of her hopes and plans for them and had to console her when they had a fight (trying to give honest advice when all I wanted to say was dump his ass and be with me). Don't get me wrong, he's a great guy so I'd never try to fuck things up for them,thats how I know it's real love, I always tried to give advice that I thought was in her best interests no matter how much it cut me up inside. This went on for three more years, being so close to her everyday has made it impossible for me to get over her. But now uni's over they'll probably split since she's been offered a job in one country and he's looking for work in another. Neither wants to be the one to stop the other from fulfilling their potential so it seems like the most practical thing. As for me well I'm moving somewhere else entirely so I'll not see either of them very much. The worst thing is, that she's so busy with exams that there's literally no chnace for us to have a farewell party or anything. It's just hit me today that the girl I've been mad about for the last four years is dropping out of my life soon and she doesn't even care that much, for her she's losing the man she loved, I'm just a good friend and she's got plenty of those. It's tearing me up, I've seen this girl almost every day for four years, we know almost everything about each other(apart from that one obvious thing) and I can't show how much it's fucking me up inside. I just want to tell her that I've loved her for years and she's the most amazingly beautiful and incredible person I've ever known. But there's no point, for a start that'd be two friendships effectivley over and she certainly doesn't feel any of that for me. I've sometimes thought that it'd be better if I'd never met her, but the truth is, the way she feels when she hugs me or the way I feel when she smiles at me and tells me she's proud of me for not having drunk or took anything in a long time (oh yeah, I have drug and alcohol issues too, mainly valium) plus the fact that I've been lucky enough to know this truly inspirational human being. I guess, it's worth it. I don't need advice or even condolences, I just needed to get that shit out. When I started writing this my eyes were leaking and I was considering if I had enough cash for a bottle of Famous Grouse. But even if she never knows how I felt, at least I got to feel it.
