Let me know if this is in the right topic, if not feel free to move it =/ Okay so this is a bit long.. but please bare with me as this is very difficult for me to tell, especially since I've never spoke to it with anyone before. [The beginning..] When I was younger I lived with my dad and my mum. Everything was fine, or so I thought. I got to around 6 years old and my mum left my dad. We stayed in the house and my dad went to his mother's house. My mum just magically told me one day we were going to America for a holiday for 2 weeks. She told me not to tell my dad and if he asked, I was going to the beach. Of course I went along with it. When I arrived in America, my mum and I stayed with a woman. I'll call her "Jane" for identity purposes. She had a daughter, once again I'll call her "Lisa" and she had a boyfriend who also lived with them I'll call him "Bob." So anyway, the 2 week "holiday" turned out to be a seven year permanant move there. [The chores..] To start with, "Jane" was nice, she made me feel at home. Then time went by, and the true side of her started coming out. She made me do 'chores' around the house, which was fair enough, I had to keep my way somehow. Every day she made me sweep the kitchen, pick up trash out of the garden and sweep the 2 porches. Of course I was 6 years old so obviously this wasn't going to be done perfectly. Anyway, she started "checking" to make sure I was doing them right, by either looking in the garden (It was 2 and a half acres big...so yeah it too ages to do) to see if she could find anything i missed or by sweeping up AFTER i had swept up and if she got ANY i mean the TINEST bit of dirt up after me, she would make me do it all again and take my tv off me for a day or two.. depending on how she felt.. or if she found 1 little ciggerette butt in the garden, she'd make me do it all over again, her and my mum both smoked so there was LOADS in the garden. [Play time...] Anyway, I got to about 7 and I enjoyed reading and playing video games. However, this wasn't to her "cup of tea." She would make sure I was outside by 10am and I wasn't allowed to come in the house untill around 6pm when dinner was ready. Sometimes she wouldn't even let me in the house to eat my lunch, she would fetch me it on the porch and I'd eat it there, and of course it would be ham, cause I hated ham at the time, and she knew it. I really loved reading, so i tried to compramize and take a book outside, sit under a tree and read since I lived in a neighborhood and there was nothing nearby except a small petrol station 30 min walk away (I wasn't allowed out of the sight of the house.. so I basically had one street to play on.) But "Jane" would tell me "get off your ass and play" so I'd drag out my bike and ride up and down that little street... constantly.. sometimes for 3 hours... sometimes more.. it was the most boringest thing I'd ever had to endure. Of course I had friends, and I was allowed to play with them when they were out, but I wasn't allowed to EAT at any of their houses and I wasn't allowed inside any of their houses and if my mum or "Jane" found out I'd be grounded. [Play time..] Things got worse as times went by. "Jane" would make me play with toys SHE wanted me to play with. She got me this golf set for Christmas and I HATED golf and still do. When she told me to go play, I would start to drag my bike out and she'd say "No go play golf." Even if I tried to say "but i really don't like it," she'd make me. I had to hit a golf ball..into the woods.. and then go fetch it back.. I think I actually tried to hit all the golf balls into the woods at one point and then claim to have lost them so I didn't have to play it anymore. After golf.. she bought me a croque (spelling) set.. HOW FUCKING FUN that was. When I was MADE to play it, oh no, you know those little white things you hit the ball through? I'd put them up and start to play and she would actually yell at me and say that it wasn't set up properly... now this is America so it was about 90+ degrees.. I was around 7 years old all I wanted to do was sit and play with my barbies or read a book or go chill at my mates house for christ sakes... [The others...] Her daughter "Lisa" did nothing around the house. She was overweight. I was underweight for my age. I could literally fit into a size 6 YEARS OLD (size FOR 6 years old people) when I was 12. I was tall a and had not 1 bit of fat on me. Seriously. I wasn't allowed 'seconds' at the dinner table or snacks. I was only allowed to eat what she gave me. Her daughter pratically did nothing around the house but clean her bedroom. Her daughter was like 20 years old or something at the time. Her boyfriend "Bob" now, he was cool. I could talk to him, and because I was a bit of a tomboy we both liked wrestling. He knew how much I hated "Jane" and that it was wrong and he knew himself she was wrong. Our relationship ended when I was collecting my awards at school for being a "top reader" and achieving "a-b honour roll" because he died. I got told, almost 7 years later, that it was caused by a drug overdose. I missed him so much and I don't think I ever cried so much. That has the only funeral I had ever been to. [No Privacy..] When I was 11 I started writing in a diary about my daily life, and I still have it to today. I looked back at it and some of the things I wrote were so sad because I was so unhappy and I don't think my mum ever knew how unhappy I actually was. This was another thing... When I was allowed in the house, "Jane" would make me stay in my bedroom. I wasn't allowed to watch tv in the living room with or without them, I just wasn't allowed. I definatly wasn't allowed to go in the fridge I wasn't allowed to talk on the phone, nothing. So when I'd come out my room to head for my mum to speak with her, "Jane" would stop me and say where you going? I'd say I want to talk to my mum and she would just reply with, why? What do you want her for? etc etc. I never got to speak privatley with my mum while "Jane" was there.. but when "Jane" was gone, I was allowed to pretty much roam free...within reason..=/ [The embarrasment..] Erm things basically reached a climax when "Jane" got to the point that i wasn't bathing correctly. Of course I was.. I mean I was like 8 years old.. of course I'd know how to get a bath.. she wouldn't let me take a shower.. she would make me stand at the sink and "wash off" and I was allowed to get in the bath once a week. Don't get me wrong I never smelled, I was very clean and I still am.. and it's not like we were poor so I don't know why I wasn't allowed to get in the bath EVERYDAY. Her daughter took a shower almost twice a day..so anyway..when she decided I wasn't washing properly she decided to stand and watch me. I cried the first few times, I mean who wouldn't, some lady watching you clean yourself is embarrasing. My mum never watched, only her. I'd try to cry and protest but she would always win.. [My escape...] Across the street was a lady, I'll call her "Betty," she was like in her late 30s and as weird as it may seem I hung around with her a lot. "Jane" disliked her, but "Betty" was my ticket out of that hell hole, she would take me to parks where we could walk or take me to fairs now and again but mainly she took me to church. She was very religious and at the time I guess you can say I was. (I'm no longer Christian, I'm athiest.) So that was something I could pre occupy my time with. [The punishments...] when I did something wrong my mum or "Jane" would hit me, hand, belt, switch.. The switch was the worst.. and to make it even worse she made me pick it from the woods myself.. Basically a switch is a very stong thin stick and when you get whipped with it, it stings and leaves red marks. Id try picking the thickest one I could find, hoping it wouldnt hurt as much.. but it always did. I still to this day have lines of uneven skintone on my bum from where I was repetitvley hit with the switch and the belt. No kid deserves to be hit that much surley, not unless they killed someone... Erm another weird way she had of punishing me was moving wood... we had..well it was my toy box..but it was outside and it was full of wood, quite long, many had nails stuck through them and spiders and everything. She would make me pick up the wood (It had to be one peice by one peice if i picked up more than one she would make me start all over again) and carry it to the front garden (the land was 2 and a half acres) and then walk back and repeate. When all the wood was gone out of the box I had to pick up the wood from the front garden and bring it back and put it in the box.. this would usually take about 4 hours.. [Continuing..] Basically things like that happend for a good 7 years. Finally my mum and "Jane" fell out and my mum moved in with some friends she knew until she deicided what she was going to do.. it was okay living there, I got to go into the refridgerator I was allowed to stay in my room for as long as I liked, I even had cable tv!.. One day my mum asked me if I wanted to go back to England and I jumped at the chance, I wanted to see my dad again so badly and my family.. Anyway April 14th 2005 (I believe) I came home. [The reason..] When I was 13, my mum finally told me she was gay and that is when I figured out who "Jane" was. I know it may seem obvious now.. but they hid it really well, I seriously thought they were only friends.. anyway..I have never really spoke about everything that went on to my mum but I know that she knows.. and I guess she feels a little sorry for it but we never speak about it. I also got told by my mum that "Jane" had OCD. So I guess that explained some of her weird behaviour. My mum still keeps in touch with her and I don't know.. it just feels wrong.. and yeah I do still speak to her.. but how much I hated her... I don't understand how I can still speak to her...But I do.. very rarely though.. [The End of the nightmare..] Now me and my mum are really close.. she has a new gf, she has her problems but certainly doesn't boss me about.. I'm sorry to have babbled on like this for like.. a good hour now but seriously I had to get this off my chest..I've been feeling depressed A LOT recently and I don't know wether my horrible past could be the reason for it. I sometimes think and blame myself for what happend with "Jane"..I think that if maybe when I got to around 11 years old and just stuck my foot in and told her I wasn't going to take her shit anymore it could have stopped. I finally got to meet my dad. Although it didn't last long. He saw me for a few month then lost interest with me. He was very selfish and only cared about his new fiance. He hadn't seen me in 7 years and then went on holiday with his fiance and never even invited me. I no longer speak with him. [A New Problem..] I don't know if it's because of my past.. or if it's just me, but I haven't been able to keep a close relationship with anyone. Just recently I thought I was in love, but I ended it as I was scared. I was getting very moody very easily and I just think I need to be alone. I've just been feeling depressed for the past month/month and a half and I don't know what has caused it. Could it be my past.. and the fact that I've hid it for all these years? Do you think it would help me talking to a counselor? Or do you think I should be okay now I wrote this? I don't know. Only time can tell.
It kind of sounds to me...like you had a fairly typical childhood and now you're a teenager and have your hormones going crazy, which is why they call it teenage angst. And did you ever stop to think maybe they wanted you outside and active so much because they didn't want you to turn into a lard like Jane's daughter?
I'm not sure being hit with a switch and forced to move spidery pieces of wood with nails in it as punishment constitutes a normal childhood in this day and age. Maybe in the 19th century. I don't know where you lived in America, but where I'm from, it's against the law to spank a child with an object such as a belt or a switch. And the wood punishment is dangerous and unsanitary. And forcing a child to wash oneself in front of you is not normal, either. It's inappropriate, at the least. It's also not normal that she tried to keep the OP away from her mother.
I would go to a counselor. But know this, you are not alone, and your feelings matter, even when you are a kid.
