I just thought I would come here to talk and get some support for coming out and being more honest with myself and it would be good to get some support. Ever since I was young, I did things with other little boys that were my age and that made my think that I was gay. It haunted me. I stopped around 2nd grade at the latest. I never did anything that was "homosexual" after that. All throughout my life basically, I always struggled inside with being gay or having thoughts or feelings of being attracted to other guys or men. In High School, I took Mushrooms, a few times, but one time I took a good dosage of some good mushrooms and it was quite a night. I don't remember that much of it, but towards the end everything seemed literally just like a dream. I thought I was dreaming. So I said, "Dude you guys, I think I'm gay." Something like that. That turned my world upside down a little bit. The thing I was so afraid to tell everyone about what was going on inside of me, slipped out because I thought I was in a dream and had "immunity." lol. So I struggled some more with my sexual orientation. I never went out with girls, never went out with guys, I was afraid to do either one, especially the latter. I did drugs instead and tried to fill in the gap and the whole void created by not being honest with myself. Now. Things calmed down a bit, I've been going to community college for 4 years now, I'll be transferring soon to a University to finish my degree (I am beyond prepared to transfer unit wise). So. In my 2nd year of college I quit doing drugs. I smoked pot once like a year after I had quit, because my sister came down with some and I figured it's ok. Bad idea. Doesn't matter I haven't done it since, I don't really want to get in to this topic that much. So. Throughout my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th year of college I was really depressed since I stopped going out and was looking for new things to do. At this point in time, I was starting to forget about how I said I was gay at the time, and while thoughts and attractions would pop up every now and then, I was beginning to believe maybe I'm not gay after all. I figured it was then time to start my time with women. I was always very shy and afraid to approach woman but I worked at it and gradually I began to feel more comfortable with myself and I asked a girl out. She is/was my girlfriend. We started dated about a month ago. Something came up, before I started dating this girl. I saw an old friend that I hadn't seen for a few years. I told him, you know how I told you guys I was gay (I had also come out to my parents and talked briefly once or twice to my friends about it), well I don't think I'm gay anymore. He said, Dawg, it doesn't matter. I almost felt like I just wanted the whole gay thing to be other with and here it is again! I thought I killed it years ago. What made me start thinking about it again, was that I don't really feel that comfortable with the girl I'm with right now. I'm always wondering if I'm doing the right thing or not, I'm just kind of unsure of myself when I'm with her. I feel like there is a way that I'm "supposed to be" that I'm not living up to or that I'm not even sure what it is. The way that I'm supposed to be I don't really know what I'm supposed to be. So. I started thinking more and more, maybe I'm gay. Dude, I'm gay, or something. I'm not straight. I might be bisexual, or gay. I don't know. But. I looked inside, and asked myself, should I tell her? (My girlfriend) So. I called her and told her tonight. She didn't really react. It's like after I had talked for a while, she was just kinda like oh how was that movie you just saw? I'm thinking like.. I just told you I think I'm gay and your asking me about a movie I just saw wtf? I don't know. I was in love with a girl seriously, once before a few years back in my senior year of high school / 1st year of college and that ended because I had a lot of insecurity issues and just generally a lot of problems that I had buried and they came back like zombies knocking at my door until I freaked out and had to go out and battle them. So. Here I am. It felt really good and like a relief to tell my girlfriend, I felt like for once, I was truly being honest with her, and wasn't hiding. I felt like my tendency is to hide and protect myself but I really was honest with her. I want to be more honest like that. This is more like a blog entry than a serious post but, I don't really know where else to put this besides this forum since this is all I really found on the internet. I didn't search that hard. I'm sure there are a ton of other people who have gone through or might be going through what I've been going through so I'd like to hear from you guys. :cheers2:
I probably won't be able to give the most honourable insight into this given i'm not even out myself, but in my case I don't feel ready to be out. That's the beauty and flexibility of what gay or bisexual people feel though, it's not like there's a linear path. People say realising that they like the same gender is the hardest part - no it isn't! Realising what you want out of liking the same gender is the hard part. In your case, it sounds like you were happy to have come out, which is great, and well done btw! For people like me - i'd rather wait till I really know what to do with it all. I remember reading somewhere that nobody is ever 100% gay or 100% straight. So, in that sense, I always reckon there's room to find a girl that you'd like just as much or if not more so than a guy. That's my impression, anyway. So, I don't think there's a right or wrong way to go about being gay. When I first realised what I am, I was really worried that i'd have to be obviously gay. Not really You can be whatever you want to be and do whatever you want to do.
What to do with it all indeed. For myself, at the moment I don't really know what to do exactly, I'm just going with whatever I think is best; one day at a time. Number one, the most important thing to me, is that I don't want to be held back as a person because I'm afraid of what other people will think of me. Just today, kind of ironic how the universe works, but I was walking to the library at school and I get stopped by a group of students to answer some questions about Gay Marriage for their class assignment. The one person the happen to ask is the one who is starting to come out a little bit more. I think sometimes it is good to push yourself to go out of your comfort zone, but at the same time you don't want to push yourself too hard. As we can see, from the posts from all the people in this forum, and testimonials from gay, lesbian, bisexual, or anyone who had troubles with their sexual identity, that with time it comes together and you'll be ok.
Excellent advice! Kaze, are you gay/bi, try get more specific than that. First off the scale, think of a scale where 0 is Totally straight, 100 is Totally Gay, where do you imagine yourself on that scale. You've had a girlfriend, if you were intimate with that girlfriend, then you arent a 100%, cross that off the list - why is that important? You're probably not going to get on with other 100 percenters. Are you at 80%? Then you will probably most likely get on with others that are in that same range. What kind of gay are you? Fem, Macho Bear, Fem Bear, Gym Bunny? You are more likley to get on with those like you. Attraction might be different, what kind of guys are you most into? You might find yourself not happy unless chasing after a guy thats in the category your most into. And dont forget about the opposite sex, which girls do you like the most as friends, girls that think more like guys irrespective of what they look like, or girlier girls We are all trained earlier on that judging, stereotyping, pidgeon-holeing is bad, and it can be. But when it comes to knowing which people to invest time with for friendships, romance, casual encounters, well every single human does it
What I really hate is that the words 'gay' and 'bi-sexual' are defined so rigidly in society nowadays. If you're gay you like men, if you're bi you like men and women. My situation is a good example; I like men more than I like women, so I naturally associate myself with the term gay. I think that works for me now, after alot of soul searching and thinking. But I like women as well, and indeed, i'd love to meet the perfect woman and to raise a family if the opportunity were ever to arise. If I came out as gay, the idea of finding the perfect woman would be difficult because i'd be forever confined to the idea that I need to be with a guy ... if that makes any sense So, Vanilla's got it spot on - don't regulate yourself to a term until you're extra extra sure.
I just asked myself right now, and I would say I'm about 30%. Sometimes sucking dick sounds like it could be enjoyable. Right now it doesn't really sound that good. But I mean honestly, before I'm able to really come out with something I need to be more comfortable with the idea of homosexual tendencies within myself. I might not even be gay. My ideas change from day to day honestly. I don't get how I'm supposed to have it down right now, what I am and what I want. I'm kind of flustered from my day right now. I'll check back and write something else later.
