Thinking I've been stuck in this thought loop forever.

About a month or so ago, I went to OU to visit a friend (let's call him A) and we each took about an eighth. We ended up going to a park with a couple people I didn't know too well, but that didn't bother me much. Hiking through nature and focusing on all of the different aspects was amazing. Everything seemed to be a cycle, and I kept thinking of the Yin-yang and that seemed to explain everything at the time.

Anyway, I somehow convinced myself that we would get in a car accident if we drove back to campus (even though the driver was only high on weed and fairly responsable). The reason why I was freaking out so much was because about a month before, I had a really lucid dream that A and I got into a car wreck. I realized that seeing how my mom would react to my death is probably the worst thing that I could ever experience. This is pretty much when the trip went downhill.

We got back to A's dorm where we (mostly I) could chill out, but it just made it worse. I remember I was sitting on his couch, and my mind was just stuck in some negative repetitive thoughts. I kept thinking that someone I knew was gonna die. My friend was trying to calm me down this whole time, but the way he looked at me and talked to me made me feel like he thought I was just this hopeless kid going insane. That's exactly what I felt like. I felt like I was some strange kid that could never really connect with others. I thought that I had been in this hellish thought loop forever, and I even convinced myself that the life I lived in the past was actually just something I had just imagined in my mind. This is most likely the scared I have ever felt in my entire life. I would never ever wish this on anyone I know.

I went to grab my phone from my backpack so that I could call someone close. I pulled out all of my crap from my backpack and then I just looked at all of my belongings. I thought that none of this stuff would make me happy and so I forgot to call anyone. Also I had a really strong urge to get naked. I wanted to be free of all my clothing and baggage. I even pulled down my pants until A was just like "what are you doing, put your pants back on," and then I quickly put them back on. Everything I did made me feel like some lonely outcast.

Finally A turned the tv onto some movie with jack black and sarah silverman. The way that they so carelessly made fun of themselves made me feel a whole lot better. I felt like they knew what it was like to be alone, and different. Then I remembered that I had not eaten anything that day after I had taken the shrooms around 2. So A and I walked to chipotle, and this is when everything started to get better. I took one bite from my burrito. It tasted delicious and just that one bite felt like it could be sufficient for the rest of the night. However, I ate about half of it, knowing I might get hungry later, and offered the rest to A.

This was about 7 hours after taking the shrooms, and I could still definitely feel the drug. As we ate, we talked about the day we had just had, and I explained to him all of the strange thoughts and feelings I had. He reassured me that nothing I did today changed the way he thought of me as a friend (We've been close since elementary). By this time I felt like I wanted to get to know every single person that we passed on the street. Each person had their own story, with their own problems, and I told A that the one thing I want to do in my life is help others. After the bad trip, everything including the buildings, people, food seemed completely new and beautiful. I missed my parents, friends, dog, etc soo much. I felt like I had taken everything for granted. For the rest of the night, I just felt content. Content with everything in my life.

Oh anyway I have a question. When I was hiking at the park, I started to think of death and how we tend to avoid the topic, even though it is inevitable. My friends told me not to think about negative stuff. However I've also heard that you should "go with the flow" when you're tripping. So my question is should I explore the thought of death when tripping?

 

why wouldn't you? i think you should examine your premise 'death is negative and bad'. that is the only reason exploring death is uncomfortable for you.

Think about it.

Death is one of the only experiences in life that all organisms ever, anywhere, MUST experience. of course you should explore it. you should explore it fearlessly even when youre sober!

you should be fundamentally ok with the idea of dying in a car crash on your way home. because it happened to many people around the world as you drove home . . . it might happen to you next time. it's only a big scary boogeyman because youve been taught that it is so by this society. break free and look yourself.

 

Sounds like your ego wanted to die, but you werent allowing it.

 

of course that's better than me dying but my ego not allowing it.

 

Did you mean to think of death or did it just happen out of nowhere, did you see something dead? Maybe a bush you touched was dead and passed on some of that energy and you let it take you away with it.

When I think of death I think of eternity, I never get sad at death, I was in a loop of there is no death and we are all insane. Totally comfortable through it all though. Or it could be I don't get letting go. Must explore more.

 

One time I was in a loop on DOC and I thought that everybody was insane and I was the only one that wasn't. Or because I took the substance reality was going to fall apart. It was awesome

 

i've experienced many times on shrooms especially looking at other people and thinking that they were thinking that i was insane.

my explanation of this is that since it's all One, you're looking at a mirror of yourself, so don't get paranoid, just literally see anyone else as a mirror. something about that seems very disturbing, but just probe into it and you'll suddenly feel extremely connected to everyone and everything around you.

you thought that your friend thought you were insane precisely BECAUSE you thought that. (if that's not confusing enough)

so literally you believed that into existence...your paranoia about yourself was projected out to your friends and that's how you saw your Self.

i've seen some freaky shit on shrooms. I can like look at my friend, and he'll be laughing his ass off, but simultaneously i'll see him crying uncontrollably. it's all how i look at it. i've started to notice that human expressions all meld together especially when you're on shrooms. well i think they're always melded but the mind-made boundaries dissolve between "happy" and "sad" and the like.

i remember my friend telling me that "right now, this is your truest expression." and i just started wondering where that true expression could go. perhaps my whole experience of anything is all set up by my mind and if i really delve into my true expression maybe my entire world could completely disappear. i wouldn't mind delving into this as long as i knew that i could come back to human life eventually.

 

Thanks for all the replies..

Let me just make it clear that I am fairly comfortable with the fact that I'm gonna die, at least when I'm sober. I am not afraid of what comes after death or anything. The only thing that scares me is how much pain this will bring onto others, especially my family.

Before tripping, A and I sat in his dorm and talked about the bad trip that A had a couple weeks earlier. He said that he found there to be no point in anything because everything's just going to die anyway. Also, I took the shrooms almost wanting a bad trip so that I could experience it and grow from it. However, when I look back on it now, I just feel like the mushrooms made me think so illogically that I can't really determine much about myself from the trip. I don't know, maybe losing my mind is what I fear most.

prone, what do you mean by my ego wanted to die?

 

losing your mind = losing your subjective experience = death

 

you should definantely think about death

but I think your problem at the time arose because you were fearing death
death of the ego feels just like real death subjectively, so you believed it was very plausible

dont wait till your tripping though... meditating on death is actually a really good idea to do even sober, sometimes I meditate on what it'd be like to immolate myself (how monks did in protest)... doing that can reveal alot of interesting things, all the fire burning away your skin and the concept of you with it


you might like these...

http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/core9/phalsall/texts/taote-v3.html#14

http://academic.brooklyn.cuny.edu/core9/phalsall/texts/taote-v3.html#16

 

I really have nothing I can contribute as far as explaining why this happened to you, sadly, but I wanted to let you know that getting caught "in a loop" is very common with LSD (and I'm assuming mushroom) use. The last time I did it with my very closest friends I ended up outside on the balcony for probably upwards of an hour just sinking into the deepest depression and a weird loop where I obsessed over how even my best friend didn't understand me, how he'd pulled me out of my peak right before I hit the top (we were at the park and I was peaking when he got paranoid about the morning joggers coming out and seeing us, so he insisted we go back to the house) and how I could have reached such an amazing level if he hadn't stopped me. He kept coming outside every ten minutes or so to comfort me and make me feel better, but I refused to listen to him and seemed to lose the ability to choose my thought patterns.

Anyway, eventually he got me inside and the change of scenery completely turned it around and I ended up hitting the highest part of it WHILE inside, so happy ending, but I know it doesn't always end that way! I'm so sorry you had to go through such a negative experience, and hopefully in the future if you do end up getting to that point again, your friends can be supportive and try to help you out of it. I've read that changing the setting or environment often helps a lot. Good luck and happy tripping

 

The same exact thing happened to me. I just felt like it was a never ending state of being that I couldn't escape. Luckily though I caught a breath of the real world and grasped on the fact that it would be over. You just have to chill the entire time, not try to force anything on yourself, and just enjoy the trip.

I also wrote a little note to myself that I was on shrooms on my hand, so every time I got scared I just laid back, looked at my hand, and calmed down.

 

I see.

all helpful replies, thanks guys.

Another thing I remember was when I was stuck in that loop, it was like there was a tape playing backwards in my head, and it kept repeating. It's really strange... I just now remembered that...

 

I assume that's different than going 'out of your mind', "Leary lingo" that is.

 

Sorry i was a bit vague. What I meant was, on ego-reducing drugs like LSD or mushrooms, it can be unnerving to feel your 'ego' (definition: your sense of 'self' in terms of your attitudes, beliefs, memories, opinions, feelings, notions, perceptions, etc) slipping away as though it's dying, because we live life thinking we ARE that very thing!

But we are not, and you can lose that, if only for a few hours.

Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream.
It is not dying . . .
It is not dying . . .

Lay down all thoughts, surrender to the void.
It is shining . . .
It is shining . . .

 

ahh..well said! :cheers2:

 

Agreed!

The ideas expressed in this thread are great tools for combating bad trips.

 

Tomorrow Never Knows.

 

OMG That is so weird, I am listening to that song right now!! I was just thinking about those lyrics.