with the 'kick ball' thread amusing me too such a ridiculous extent i decided to do a little parody about a character that was unintentionally created there. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ok, i was just woken by a phone call. and i thought id share it with you guys here. to my team. huddle up. it was the new york times. it's about my kick ball history and career. it's rather decorated, so please read. i started playing kick ball when i was not even born, in a time when i was oblivious to all things round. a rare moment in human history i would soon find out. some say that the moment my dad saw my mom, balls started to drop, similar to sparks flying. i remember my mother saying that i was such a fighter. later i came to understand she meant kicker. i remember my first bright red, professional grade no less, kick ball. i was 1/2 year old. and it was the start of a a love affair that would change the face of not only kick ball but the world as we knew it. i associated everything with a kick. with a ball. with bases in mind. i visualized it constantly. one time i played kick up jacks with my sister. another, i played marbles with my cousin ted. but i only used my developing legs to move the marbles to and fro. and i must say i did so with such precession the u.s. government took sharp notice. i even bowled with my legs. in all honesty, i paid for a custom ball that weighed 5 times more than a standard bowling ball, with toe grips inserted. later, i would join a bowling league using this special leg technique and bowl a 600 series. it was a wild sucess. the local bowling alley held a joint session to ratify new rule changes to the sport. it became a over night sensation. soon, leg-bowl leagues sprang up nation wide. and i was the face of it. the poster kicker. but thats neither here or there. i soon dropped bowling to continue on with my passion for kick ball. throughout my youth i dedicated my life to the art and science of kick ball. even more so my parents. dad quit work to develop me as a power kicker...the sort of player that kicks 4th in the line up. like all kick ball prodigies of the time, i too ,went to a normal elementary school. i soon single handedly organized a local tournament. local turned to regional, regional turned into state finals, and the finals went national. nationals went global. in retrospect, it seemed easy, but in my sixes, sevens and eights it seemed impossible. similar to scaling mount everest naked...not once but three times. all back to back. with my classmates, i would play. all day. on lunch recess, on the bus, on paper, at home in the park, through text messages, over phone calls, i even experimented playing telepathically. always attentive to organize, stratagize, hypothesizes and even scientifically theorize kick ball. their wasn't a rock unturned in our quest for kick ball greatness. and great i became. in my sixth grade year, the governor renamed my school in my honor. i was known the world over as the 'big red one'. big for being clutch in pressure packed games-- 900 runs kicked in, rki, and 3000 home runs in the first 20 games of my first season. moreover, worth mentioning is that i held the fastest base run since Willy Maye's hays. red for my chosen uniform association, which later became my states official color. consequently, it became the national color as well. one for... well that's not easy to answer. but most historians/sociologists today agree that it's because people experience my specific game on a deep, spiritual and profound personal level. a sense of oneness with nature often ensuites...uniting a sense of euphoric harmony in the world. some say it gave validation to the new hippie movement. others argue it ended nuclear proliferation in one single televised kick ball event. in short, this phenomena would be coined the 'big red one' effect. naturally i would soon capitalize on my miracle of kick ball. it's significantly important to mention that most pro athletes spend four years fine tunning their skills at the collegiate level. conversely, a rare minority go from high school into the pros. well, in my, at the time, rather short illustrious career, i went from an elementary sandlot straight into the professional arena. it was a commanding change for me and for anyone who has ever dreamed of kicking a ball out of a great kick ball field. Wrigley kickball field, Yankee kick field and fen way kick park to name a few. and i was only 11 and 3/5 years old. i rapidly rose in value. on the record books, i dominated. in the game i defined logic. in my 3rd season alone i beat out wyane gresky, the great one, setting a new record for breaking the most records. i was only 14 and 2/17 years old. i changed the way the sport was played from that moment on. my influence and acute genius in kick ball created a revolution in terms of how this sport was played and perceived. not only did my presence quadruple nascar, football and golf ratings combined, it set forth a whole new approach to the game. soon, certain facets of kick ball evolved. in non title games, i had the option to completely sit out. controversial at the time, yes. but efficient. it was common knowledge that i averaged at least 10 rki a game, with a 4.89 kicking average. finishing with at least 7 home run kicks. so i sat most of the time. only to be summoned most jubilantly to championships. in all likelihood i gave my team a 17 point handicap each and every game. however, my time spent on the sidelines was put to good use. i was in demand. i realized i could use my miracle status to patch up problems both at home and abroad. and so i did. first, i founded kick ball cares, an organization bent on ending all wars. tiring as it was, it eventually succeeded and kbc went on to eventually end world poverty, hunger and all crimes against humanity. all by the time i turned 17. experts state that there was no award worth my deeds. and in the end, i turned down the Nobel peace prize, an Oscar for best person ever, oddly enough and even the medal of honor...in which every known county presented me with. all of these brilliant acts of humanity are accredited to an exceptional understanding of kick ball, most scholars agree. though some disagree to how my genius of the kick translates to humanitarian achievements. whatever the case may be, president obama has mandated the worlds most prestigious universities to research the illicit 'big red one' effect. 100 trillion in federal grants set up the base line in these studies. hence forth,it reestablished the new gold standard in university research. im currently, as you all know, getting back into kick ball and already stocks have climbed back to historic highs. on average, a 4000 percent increase weekly. not too shabby for a kid that wants to get back to his roots.
note; this is not fiction. it's not reality. rather, actuality. this is a story of hard knocks, swinging cocks and bengal tigers. this is one mans story.
You've lead an incredible life, Big Red One. By the sounds of it, you will single-handedly improve the state of the global economy and, in a sense, save the world. It's obviously been a lot of hard work and you've made a lot of sacrifices, but it will be worth it, in the end.
Do You Really Think So....??.... I Think He's Nothing More Than A Oversized "Knob"............... And At Best, Deserves Nothing Less Than A Swift Kick To The Nuts.... I Have Always Favoured The "Direct" Approach To Lifes Problems.. Cheers Glen.
Don't be jealous of the Big Red One's athletic prowess. Just because he's done such great things with his exceptional kickball skills doesn't mean he has no feelings, and he deserves our gratitude and our respect for his selfless humanitarianism. Naysayers will be beheaded, in accordance to international law.
he does turn some big door knobs, while hanging on the big comfy couch, playa. i was watching a show today where this karate master in korea literally pulled a 8,000 pound aircraft with his dick. he warmed up by taking, again literally, swift kicks to the nuts. big red one is as direct as they come...as direct as his kick ball home run record. nuff said. i can only agree with t.n.stoner and say that haters will be beheaded...in accordance to law and kick ball policies.
