so here's the basic image, parents on the edge of a divorce, just staying together because of us (me, my sister, and my little brother). My sister (17 years old) is pregnant, her boyfriend has no work, and never finished highschool, my sister is also planning to drop out of highschool, they refuse a abortion. My little brother has diabetes, he has become introvert in a scary way. the weird thing is, its 5:22 am here, i have been laying awake all night, and i feel like i missed out on the last years, like i was being blind, like i just now opened my eyes, and suddenly make terrible realisations. I can't remember where it went wrong, i know that i never was there for my little sister, she was always away from home, because there was nothing really here for her, maybe that was my fault, maybe if i had been the older brother she needed, it wouldn't have ended like this. Even though when i was young, i and my little brother always played together, we were both very intellegent, i had a iq of 118 back then, and my brother has beaten me in that tho, he has above 125, we always used to discus scientific stuff, and build crazy stuff with lego bricks. I even used to read einsteins and hawkins theories as a 14 year old kid, but my little brother kinda beat me in everything, but never wanted to admit it. But we were good friends, then i began doing drugs, i became occupied by my own problems, locked myself up in my room, now three years later, my brother barely smiles anymore, he rarely talks alot, he has alot of problems making friends and socialising, just right now all these memories of how we were as kids are suddenly coming back after i had supressed them for years, but i had been blind for 3 years, now our whole family situation is out of hand. I did alot of drugs in the past, my brother and my sister often saw me as i was under influence of drugs, wasting my life, then getting kicked out of highschool, failing for stuff over and over again. I fear that i have shed a dark athmosphere over this family, perhaps my presence is destroying this, my memory is a chaos, i can't remember much anymore, just at some times some parts of my past come back, i don't know why it is like this, but this is fucked up, why the hell has everything turned into this mess, everything used to be normal, why wasn't i there for this family when everything turned bad, where was i? The damage is done, i feel like it is my fault, our father is always away for work in other countries like nepal and kosovo, has been like this for as far as i remember, but i fear that i have failed the entire family as older brother in all aspects, i even fear that i have caused this damage. This is just insane, soon i will fall asleep, and my memorie will be covered in the pleasant chaos again, and i will become blind and numb for everything. damn it, how long is this all going to last. I miss those innocent times when i used to laugh together with my little brother, why did everything dissappear like this, and why are all these memories coming back right now.
woah man You are being way to hard on yourself. Trust me when i say none of this is your fault. I can tell by your written words how deeply u care for your family and genuinely sound like an amazing older brother. Based on how passionately you just spoke of your family i believe anyone would be lucky to call you their brother or son,
but i just don't get it why everything is falling apart around me, it feels like i have been somewhere else for so many years, and now its suddenly all coming back. I just don't think this is a normal part of growing up, when i see other families, and how most people grow up normally, our family is just falling apart more and more, and worst of all is that i feel like i havn't been here last years. gah, maybe i just need to get some sleep right now, guess i will do that.
Out of curiosity have stopped using lately? I know when i was wrapped up in my happy land of drugs i wasn't aware of any of life's real situations until a couple years later. I basically kinda looked at everything just how you did and snapped myself out of it. This is the part where you make the decision to continue living this way or to move forward. Maybe you weren't there for your family but it was in no way entirely your fault. You can now help out, and be there for them now. It may take a lot of struggle and pain to get back into their lives after such crucial years but you could def change everything and be a huge asset in their lives today. I feel for you, because * tho i wasn't in the exact situation you are now* I have this all too familiar feeling in my gut after reading this. I hope things get better
i can tell you what is wrong and when it all started too. your family is fucked up. (dysfuncational.) it started when your parents were kids. they grew up in dysfuncational families. they raised you kids from what they learned in their families. they did not know to be good parents, or how to have a funcational family, because they had never been educated in how to go about doing that. you kids, adapted to your family, by means of your individual psychologies. that is the reason for the different ways you all are acting. that is called 'coping mechanisms.' none of this is your fault, your parnets fault nor, your siblings faults. the dysfunction in your family, is like a hereditary disease, that is pass down through generations. that mate, is just the general outline of your families' "problem." now, what to do about it. you, and everyone, in your family, will need to see a psychologist trained in family systems therapy. most likely, your parents will need to go into couples therapy too. that is how you will need to treat the dysfuncation (disease) with in your family. i wish, you and your family the best in this matter!
Hi Pellinore, I think that you are all doing fine. Just where you want to go with it makes all the difference in the world. To measure your situation with what is considered a 'normal' family (what's that anyway ?) makes it so you don't see the quality, the potential, even the beauty of your experience, and of all those around you. Society's standards often seem relentless, and false - not true. But you always set your own first, not depending on any but your own inner voice. Maybe this is all it is about ... like, don't fail inside yourself, and just work on it (and enjoy so). Grow on ... and see the others growing, too. Just another view, hope it makes sense.
