Because I'm a whiner too and venting feels good damn it. I just got out of a three year emotionally and mentally abusive marriage (five years of it in total), after having a kid I wasn't ready for, because he wanted her then decided he wanted to abandon us both, on top of cheating on me (like a lot of men seem prone to do). I wasn't looking for a relationship. I wasn't looking for anyone. Content with flirting with individuals, but not getting involved in anything serious after what I just went through. I randomly met someone that I seemed to click with on every level and to me it was the start of a very good friendship. The more time we spent together, the closer we got, as things in life go. I never hid any of that from him. I was upfront and honest about what I'd just been through and the baggage that I carry, my child included. When he asked me out, I wanted to make sure it was something that he was willing to put up with, because obviously having a kid is a huge deal when you're dating someone. I don't tend to jump into things blindly. It's not my personality. The idiot that I am (oh yes, I will take full responsibility for my stupid behaviour) believed everything this guy said, that he liked my daughter and enjoyed being around her. That he'd never met anyone like me before. That he'd been praying for someone like me. That after all the BS he dealt with from the other girls in town, this was new and exciting. That he thought about me all the time. That he wanted to spend as much time as possible with me. That he wanted this to be stable and last a long time. That I was remarkable, he was lucky. I was beautiful. I even believed it when he said that he thought he was falling in love with me, because from the way things are going, I believed that could be true. Maybe I did a stupid and bitchy thing by saying we'd talk about it later, because it wasn't a conversation I wanted to have after he had been drinking. I wasn't going to believe everything that was said in such a state of mind. But, I liked him. A lot. Honestly believed he liked me back and figured it was something we could discuss, in person, and a better time. I told him that I could very well be falling for him too, but I couldn't say the word "love", not after only knowing someone a month. What I wanted to say, in person, was something like that takes time. I'm not trying to rag on a member here. I'd feel the exact same way had this happened with someone who had never been on the boards. But I swear this is probably one of the most fucked up ways to find out I was being fed BS. I mean it's better than say finding out he was hanging out, living with, sleeping with someone else after the fact. I'm glad I found out before things got that far. But, I don't care whether you're a member of this board, some joe blow down the street, or the president of the united states, if you do someone wrong like this, especially knowing what I'd just been through, it's the lowest of low blows. I meant what I said, I know it from seeing it through my friends and my own opinion on the matter, girls treat guys like crap, because this is how we are treated. If it was about sex, then that's what it should have been about. Don't feed a girl a bunch of nonesense, it's ridiculous (and she will find out. We always find out. It's sad that I found out by wanting to read his poetry and stumbling across it, but the truth always has a way of coming around.) Common sense, because I know a lot of guys complain about how girls don't care about anything anymore, or their feelings, or anything nonsuperficial. If you want a girl to treat you with respect, then spread the message that the jerks of the world are ruining it for the rest of you. In the course of all of this, a potentially great friendship was ruined, which is sad to me, because we clicked on so many levels. I'm an open minded girl, with more interests to count, I enjoy a good smoke every now and then, I've got talent, I'm not ugly, but I'm also not someone who will be walked all over either. This is just one more notch in the proverbial bed post as to why I have no interest in men, relationships, or the bs and I'm not the only girl like this. Pretty much all of the ones I know feel the exact same way and as time goes by it's taking more and more for guys to have to prove they aren't trying to screw us over. The point of my rant: Stop fucking us over please. We'll be less bitchy, a little more cuddly and little more understanding. And a side note: Yes, I'm pissed. I believe I have every right to be. But probably more at myself because I admit I was foolish enough to fall for it. ce la vie. I'll get over it like all other bumps in the road. I'm new here, but I don't plan on leaving because all of this went down. I look forward to contributing to bigger and better things.
This reminds me of when my ex-girlfriend read online about an affair (and planned affairs) I've had. Oh man: fun times. Though I never fed women any lines, and learned with age to be entirely honest. At some point I felt pressure to reassure women with commitment, even when it wasn't what I wanted. As if it was something ingrained or expected of me. I still feel like he's one of the good guys; in my biased online buddy perspective. And he seemed concerned with your feelings even if he made a mistake. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did, and I hope you guys can talk about it somewhere other than the internet and save the friendship somehow someway. Best of luck to you both! :cheers2:
I guess it just depends on the woman, but I've never been the type to appreciate that and it sucks that some guys feel like they have to commit. In my situation, I wasn't necessarily looking for an absolute commitment. I tend to prefer to just go with the flow of things and take them day by day. Commitment was the direction that things were headed because of the things constantly said to me, and I was fine with that, because it seemed genuine and I liked him as a person. But if there had been honesty from the very beginning a lot of this could have been avoided. You live, you learn. And it's like you said, with age and experience. That might be the biggest thing here, because I am older than him and I have been through something like marriage. If he's concerned like you say he is, then apologies go a long way. He has my number. He knows where I live. If it's important, it's on him. If it's not, then all right. All I asked for, from the very very beginning, was communication about things and honesty. Honesty is HUGE. Trust has been broken, and it's important to me in friendships as much as relationships. Whether the friendship is salvageable depends on if I'll ever be able to trust him again and at this current point, I don't know. This was a huge screw up. But thanks, things will work out as they're supposed to like all things in life!
I've noted that in general the business of "hooking up" is inherently if unintentionally dishonest. I suspect that while there was no specific intent to deceive that the guy in question used an inherent ability to read an individual and feed them dialog that they would find agreeable to win your favor. In my distant past I know that I've tended to almost instinctively to present myself as an ideal that I envisioned a prospective partner would like in order to if not initiate a relationship, at least get myself laid. In retrospect it's quite fortunate that I was hardly smooth or convincing as by and large that "approach" invariably resulted in me striking out.... fortunate because I was writing a check with my rhetoric that I would not be able to cash. The cultural landscape is littered with the relationship refuse that inevitably results from a more successful approach... The mind is driven to do some crazy things when the deafening scream of hormones drowns out reason.
You had me until the last sentence. I totally agreed up until then. I think the mind is driven to do crazy things when attempting to hide the deafening scream of hormones as a prerequisite to fulfill a gendered ideal. But the pursuer/pursued schema of co-dependent or gendered relationships makes it so that men who are honest about finding someone attractive will necessarily be put into the column of men to be "resisted."
It comes down to this, for me: If a guy is completely honest with what he wants, whether its a relationship or sex, he has a higher chance of succeeding without bringing on a lot of drama. At the same time, it's up to the girl to be completely honest as well. It goes both ways. If what both people want is not the same thing or one person isn't being honest then it won't work out and is set up for failure from the very beginning. It's a part of natural compatibility. Even when you lie to get what you want, eventually the truth will come out and lying makes a bigger mess. And lying to get what you want, is just a sleeze thing to do and I believe if that's the route people choose to go, then they deserve whatever the consequences might be. If the sex was worth hurting a person, then you deserve to have the same happen to you eventually and you'll have a hard time finding people to take you seriously as you build a rep on being a sleeze and you deserve whatever little inconveniences or annoyances come from it. But that's me and I'm a believer in karma. I personally, don't see a point in not being truthful because the mess that follows the truth once it's out just isn't worth my time and I have no need to want to hurt people. Honestly, I don't even know if that made sense. Ha.
I wasn't intending to make an excuse... we're all responsible to reign in impulsive behavior. When I was young and dumb I'd do or say just about anything trying to get laid. I stand by my statement because I've been in those shoes and know well the other side of the equation. I'm not saying it's a good excuse for what happened but it makes a bit of sense. The OP is better off looking elsewhere in my opinion; or better yet, remaining single for now... and I think she knows it.
She does. I'm a person that doesn't mind being single and I hadn't been looking in the first place. Just sort of fell into it. Loneliness sucks on occasion, but the freedom that comes with not being with someone is worth cherishing.
Both posts made sense. I just want to clarify that I'm not advocating impulsive behavior, but honest disclosure of our impulses. I find that by not being suckered into the role of pursuer, I can express any feeling I might have for another without the need to idealize myself; so long as I do so respectfully of their boundaries.
Well you've set yourself up for eventual success with just that... by being happy with yourself you have freedom to find someone who shares your mindset and the whole theater associated with "coupling" doesn't run interference with getting to know who someone really is.
