Just a few days ago I felt rather great about everything - I'm graduating in less than a month, I'm accepted and ready to go to pretty much any college I would want to go to, I have (or thought I had) friends, and I was just pretty stoked about life. Now, I'm finding myself spiraling downwards in negative thought. In a matter of a few days, I have begun to sabotage friendships. Whether I am doing it intentionally or not, I can't determine. I feel like I have to cut away from a lot of my life right now. I am getting caught in a position of desire for solitude, yet I want company that I've never really had before. I noticed that I often seek a companionship with the opposite sex, but rarely attain such connections. I am a very picky person when it comes to who I associate myself with, and I change my mind about people on the drop of a dime. My ever increasing social volatility does not mix well with my impatience, and I am beginning to see the reactions of the two in my own actions. For the first time in my entire life, I do not care about school (I realize this is normal for seniors about to graduate) and this freaks me the fuck out. I am now questioning if I really even want to go to college at all. I am questioning who I am going to turn out to be? I view myself in the future in various scenarios, often juxtaposed with different types of females. Certain situations do not appeal to me in the form of typical females that I have encountered in similar points in life. I think it is becoming a problem that I have such a desire for a female companion, but whenever I am at a position of achieving such, I burn bridges and put up walls - I effectively shut them out of my life and wait to see who will come after me. It is like a selfish and perverse mind game I play with my own self, unknowingly. I am increasingly fearful that I'm not going to have my life played out how I wish. Thus far in my life, I have played the social games so easily and have put myself in a less than ideal position, yet I was satisfied for the most part. It was easy to do, I had many opportunities and I feebly rejected most, if not all of them to fill many of my desires. There is so much more to say, I just can't verbalize it right now...I would really like input, though I know it's a lot to ask to read all of that hah.
Within the last day...hmm...It's becoming more of an apathetic exhale. For so long I busted my ass for school, and I really have not seen anything out of it because I didn't bust my ass hard enough to get a straight 4.0 and shit ton of scholarships blah blah blah Fuck it
Honestly, this is a part of your age. We all reach that point right before or right after the end of our senior year. After I left school, I was so sick of everything I'd been dealing with and the redundancy of what had become my life, I acted out, took risks and chances that I wouldn't have normally taken. I blocked out everything that had meant something to me in school and I think we all do that in our own way, because it's a transition in our lives. The best thing is, you see yourself doing it, and if it's not something you want to be doing, it's up to you to pull yourself out of it or you can embrace the changes that are occuring and keep an open mind about how your desires and wants out of life are going to flip flop until you find something you're truly content settling with. I mean, out of all of my friends who ended up going to college after high school, only two made it far enough to get a degree, because they decided in the midst of it, it wasn't something they wanted to do. It happens. You don't lose control over your life, you get to choose how you let these new thoughts control you. Things will only go how you wish, if you continue to persue that direction. If you change directions, you're in control of that too.
