This thread is more for people who are in a point in life where they're mostly casually dating, perhaps looking out for a life-partner, but not in the stage where they're hurrying it. I was in a relationship on and off for 5 years with someone whom, knowing what I know now, I would have been friends with, but I would not have formed a romantic relationship with. Basically what happened is that we fell head over heels in love, rushed into things, moved in together way too early, before really getting to know one another. The way I approach relationships now is way different. I'm way more picky about who I "take things to the next level" with, and realize that love is not all you need to make a relationship work. I have higher standards about what I'm willing or not willing to put up with. I spent a large portion of my teen years and early adult life being extremely overweight and unhealthy. I've lost most of the weight, and live a very healthy, active lifestyle. Having tried both (healthy vs. unhealthy) I vastly prefer healthy. I'm not generally attracted to people who have drug/alcohol problems (I'm not talking someone who casually smokes weed, I mean hard drugs, real addictions, etc), or who hate exercise or healthy eating. It's one thing to indulge in an unhealthy treat here and there, as long as it's treated as, well, a treat. I'm also not looking for a body builder, per se, but I do want someone who enjoys spending a lot of time outside, being active, and cooking healthy, whole foods. I want someone who is friendly and positive towards others, my match intellectually, kind and warm, and takes good care of their body. My red flags that I look out for are: 1.) selfishness (not the healthy kind of selfish where a person makes sure they're healthy and happy) 2.) a dislike of exercise and healthy food 3.) a lot of heavy drinking/partying or drug problems (my ex is an alcoholic, which put me through a lot of heartache) 4.) a negative attitude about life in general. Again, realism is one thing, but complete negativity and pessimism is another. 5.) being too clingy and needy. sounds sad, but I used to crave being needed when I was younger and less secure about myself, but now that I've grown and developed myself more, I hate the clingy/neediness thing in a guy. Also, I'm way more picky than I used to be as far as how much time I spend getting to know a person before we take the relationship to the next level. Falling in love hard and fast is so easy to do before you get to know a person. Then when the initial "new relationship" high kind of fades, all the negative things come out. No amount of love can change a person's negative traits unless the person is self-motivated to change on their own. I think I actually enabled my ex's alcoholism for so long because I was so quick to be there to repair all the problems that his drinking caused for both him and me. By my actions, he learned that his actions were okay because the repercussions would always be fixed by me. Now that we're not together and I'm not there to clean up all his messes, he's quit drinking on his own. I don't plan on going back with him because I'm no longer in love with him, but I do care for him and am proud as a friend of his progress. I now have a much lower tolerance of negative traits that I'm able or willing to deal with in a relationship, as well. I think it pays to be at least a little picky because it can potentially save so many heartaches down the road. You might be alone for longer as a result, but I think it's smart to hold out for the right one instead of just anyone. I for one plan on giving every relationship more growing time in the beginning before plunging into a life together (living together, sharing responsibilities, etc.). What are your red flags and/or dealbreakers?
Lack of self control. I dated a girl who would out of the blue just be down right cruel to me and blame it on her back hurting or having a hard day at work. I understand letting a mean word slip but she would simply insult me constantly and hang up the phone on me. Indecisiveness. Some people don't know what the hell they want. One minute they love you and the next they're on craigslist looking to meet up with other girls. Dishonesty. It's important to know who you're dating.
medication. homophobia, actually perhaps i should explain that. there is a place here in town which is mostly run by gays. this place has free clothes, potluck dinners, drum circles, free bicycles, anyway, my recent ex forbade me to go there.
Bad temper is a good one, too, actually. Lack of patience and an ability to get mad easily or take your bad feelings out on your loved ones. Pretty much turns me off immediately. I can't believe the homophobia people still can have sometimes!
To be honest, I am not very experienced to know every little thing that I cannot tolerate. I would have to agree with constant negativity and homophobia, as stated above. I would also have to agree with a partner being too clingy. Before I entered a relationship, I was very much 'into myself'. I didn't need people, and I was fine being on my own. If I didn't have a boyfriend who also enjoyed his own space, I would be suffocated, I would feel as if I was living for him and not for myself.
well sometimes people can give mixed signals. & i get real tired of that. & alcoholism, i`ve dealt w/ that too. & therapy. if my lover is getting therapy, i`d kinda like to be involved. it`s only fair. my last gf only thot couples therapy was for married couples.
Intolerance, arrogance, pessimism, regular substance abuse, misogyny, inability to separate oneself from tobacco products (I have my reasons), refusal to recycle, cat haters, and just general douchebaggery that has no merit, humorous or otherwise. That seems like quite a list, but I don't feel I'm terribly fussy. When you're looking to stay with someone for 50+ years, you can't pick someone with a horrible trait that gets under your skin right away. It's not gonna end well...
i understand the value in being careful as to who you allow into your intimate life... but i feel like those characteristics can't just be listed out like this. no matter how many mistakes we make with love, relationships ARE about love and sometimes we fall in love with people who we don't completely get along with. i think its worth it tho, and thers no reason to go back in time and say what you should have done. shoulda woulda coulda, i think taht creating an extensive criteria for your potential partners really weeds out a lot of promising possibilities. no offense, but i just think its silly to go on finding more and more character traits you dont like... it can easily lead us to forget about our own flaws... thats why relationships are hard - it forces us to reflect and come to terms with the fact that we are not perfect. except in very abusive relationships, no conflict is completely one person's fault
Many of my own deal breakers have been listed and I'm at a point in my life where I'm not settling for less. A lot of people look at that as looking for perfection, but if its a matter of settling with something I don't want to deal with or living my life like I want to, I pick the latter. A lot of people take the single life forgranted and relationships aren't the end all be all of life.
