Little poem I made a little while ago.

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by NightRose, May 6, 2009.

  1. NightRose

    NightRose idiosynractic rose

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    I made this a short while ago, and wasn't sure where to put it, so I thought I may as well let you real poet's out there have a looksie.

    I dont think I've ever posted in here either.
    [​IMG]
     
  2. Collideascope00s

    Collideascope00s Member

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    Crazy Rose. I like the style and the way you decided to show it off.
     
  3. mrs_hendrix

    mrs_hendrix Member

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    I love it Missy =D Talent right there
     
  4. Vetty214

    Vetty214 Hip Forums Supporter HipForums Supporter

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    This is great. The only constructive feedback is for you to take a look at the word "Dissolve" and see if dissolving makes sense to you here. I would drop "that" before "I pass" and I would drop "and" before "through the spaces of the dark".

    I also thought the final two lines were awkward but was having a difficult time trying to identify why. My initial thought was that the last line starting with "as" is similar to starting a line with "like" and not sure you have to say "like"... but then I also thought using the verb "shakes" in both lines just didn't work for me... you also earlier in the poem used the memory reference so it appears you are just restating something stated already, in dissolve the floors of memory... but I do like the madman geraniums reference because it is original. Perhaps... The midnight madman shakes my memory into dead geraniums. This way you eliminate the "as/like" part, keep the visuals, and removes using shake verb twice.

    Very awesome poem with some original thoughts/visuals. I like! :)
     
  5. NightRose

    NightRose idiosynractic rose

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    Thank you very much :) I appreciate that :cheers2:
     
  6. TiedyeDreams

    TiedyeDreams Member

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    What made this poem even more interesting is that while reading it I was listening to The Mariner's Revenge Song by The Decemberists. It was an oddly fitting rhythm for it.
     

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