Searching for the vein: a short episode of madness

This must have been one of the weirdest days in my life, there for i decided to share it with you people.


After spending the entire night behind my computer (as usual), i find myself unable to sleep in the morning. I decided to watch some star trek: next generation episodes, i like star trek, awesome serie, and helps me to complete forget all my worries while watching the adventures of the enterprise and her crew. As i watch a few episodes, and my mother, brother and sister go off to school and work. I'm alone at home, still unable to find sleep. First off, everyday i take a anti-derpessant, my mother hides them, and lays on pill on the table everyday, since i tend to abuse medication. I get this weird idea, lets find a syringe, and inject my anti-depressant for a fun rush. After searching the entire house, i could only find two emergency syringes that my brother would use for his diabetes. I keep searching, and i find one rilatin pill (also something my brother uses), i abused rilatin alot in the past. i get this crazy idea.
I carefully take the emergency syringe from my brother, a spoon, a candle, and the pill. I head to my room, (oh yea, i also found a rubber to tie around my arm), and light the candle, fill the spoon with a little water, drop the pill in it, and hold it above the burning candle. I full the syringe with the liquid, since it was a small syringe i still had half the liquid left in the spoon. I tied the rubber around my arm, looked for a nice vein, forced the syringe in my arm, and pull it a little back to see if i had hit the vein.
My arm was shaking like hell, as i quickly forced the liquid inside. A ugly red spot became quickly visible, and felt unpleasant (had i missed the vein?), i quickly prepare a second shot, and do the same.
A pleasant euphoria arises, and i lay down in bed, and continue watching star trek. As the effect began to wear out, i went to my brother's room, and i found yet another rilatin pill!
I prepared another shot, this time i only used a tiny little water, the fluid was very thick. I inject it, but something didn't feel right.
Soon i was almost unable to move my arm, it felt like a intense muscle pain, i had this weird distrubing feeling in my fingertops.
Red spots soon appeared all over my arm.
I paniced, i turned on my computer, got into the hipchat, and luckly there was a guy who had experience with injecting stuff. I was told that the red spots and all, were far from normal, eventually i got to know, that rilatin litteraly destroys the veins as soon as it gets injected. Another possibility was that the fluid blocked my vein (the fluid was very thick as i said before), someone even said that this kind of things could result to death, even some people claiming that i should seek medical help.
The thought played to my head, should i go to the doctor or not?
eventually the pain went away mostly.
Around noon, my mother came home, she left again for work after 30 minutes.
I soon began to look for more rilatin pills to inject, as i began to find it extremely pleasant. I found a new package.

Here everything turned into madness.
I will keep this part short.
In the afternoon i think i injected atleast 5-6 pills.
Often i missed the vein, at the end i couldn't even manage to hit any vein at all, it just didn't work anymore! wth!
I kept sticking the needle in my arm over and over again, soon my arm turned all red because of the blood dripping out of the tiny wounds. (was a pretty thick needle btw, not ment for injecting things in vurnable veins).
Right now, my arm hurts like hell, its full with tiny wounds of failed attempts, i do think i got some shots right, as i feel kinda weird, but i wonder where the rest went... stuck under my skin?

I never never injected anything before!
I didn't slept, i felt extremely weird, my memory felt really vague, i felt kinda depressed, and felt the need to do something stupid.
A few days before, i also took 8 painkillers at the same time (not parcetamol, otherwise my liver would be death).
The weird thing is, wow.. i'm not like this at all, or atleast, i think.
I'm taking these weird anti-depressants, i feel like i'm losing the ability to remember things, i often stay up, skip my sleep, i don't eat anymore! lost 10 kilos in the last weeks. I feel numb to the bone, and i have no future perspective, just sitting home all days. I do know that under influence of chemicals, i became quickly unstable, but what happened today is scaring me, altho, under influence of this stuff right now, i do not yet realise what happened. should i seek help? i don't know. I hope i find purpose in life again soon. And i fairly hope that next time i do something stupid, i won't be risking my life, (for wich i didn't really care this morning, when i got this weird idea).

I have no idea what is happening, i'm not really looking for support here, i know where my problems are, its these anti-depressants, wich make me unstable at times, lack of sleep and food, and most of all, a insane feeling of being at a dead end in life, as if i reached my final destination before death overwhels me and takes me back.

ps: thanks for the people that helped me out at the hipchat.

owyea.. i know that i'm stupid at times, and i don't find it cool what i did today, i just felt to need to share this story. so please don't judge me by this, this is not my true self, but it perfectly reflects the insanity that overwhels me at time.

 

mate, you just described every day of my life the now.
and i'm on anti-psychotics.

we should talk. life seems to need something to fill the gap for you.

 

mate, you just described every day of my life the now.
and i'm on anti-psychotics.

we should talk. life seems to need something to fill the gap for you & i.

 

mate, you just described every day of my life the now.
and i'm on anti-psychotics.

we should talk. life seems to need something to fill the gap for you & i.

 

woops double post

 

Yea sure jim, i wouldn't mind a talk, will add you on msn when my mind cleared up a little..after this little episode of madness.

 

pellinore, you're 19. you have a chance.

you'll never live a life of true happiness while medicated on anything, including anti-d's. please completely understand this.

secondly, for you to have a chance you must take care of your body first and your mind will follow you.

i would seriously do some hard research about living naturally and healthy. you want to give your body what it needs according to how we evolved, both physically and nutritionally. a huge task. get on it. now.

you don't need mind medication...understand that they will only continue to make your state of mind worse...for good.

19, you got a strong chance. don't blow it.

 

Yea..you're right, i'm seeing the psych next week, i'm going to ask to stop with these pills (can't stop with them myself.. has weird withdrawl effects), i need to come back to myself, perhaps finish off writing this book i started, and do some constructive stuff again. And i should definatly stop making crap posts at the hipforums every time i'm toxicating my body with meth like substances (actually the only time i post here), for the hundred time i just thinking to never come to these forums again, because i'm making a comeplete fool of myself, not even contributing in any sense to this community. but this is something for me to solve, just hope i get on to it.

 

i feel bad. i think i know what you are going through. its a terrible feeling to have no ambition. we should tell you, yes, you ought to seek help. but when i am in that kind of position, i dont listen to people who say "you need help," as if the solution is outside of my own capability. (i hate the idea of setting my life in someone else's hands) which is bad advice, so sorry. but im just trying to say i know what it feels like. as if life is passing by me and i dont have the drive to go along with it.
i hope you are doing ok. i think what probably will help you most is doing something to get your life going, like a job, a serious hobby, whatever. there's never a point where it's "too late" to decide to do something with your life. ive had to make major changes in my own life in recent months, just to keep myself from slipping too far down the hole.
this is the fucking internet, you can post whatever, whenever. compared to plenty of shit that's on here, this is hardly a waste of space. if writing your thoughts out helps, then do it. it can be nice to get the opinion of strangers sometimes.
please message me if you want someone to talk to.

 

nature and silence are the only real teachers in life

 

Wow.
I really hope you're feeling better now man

 

Sounds like you were playing Russian Roulette

 

I'm actually still doing it. Dissolving it in vodka and then shooting it up..rilatin is more potent then cocaine in the way it effects your dopamine. and together with vodka it gives one hell of a rush. Its the only way i can still feel alive these days. Only thing that keeps me going is my family and a stupid attempt to finish off writing a book i started. but i don't really care about all the rest anymore. this whole life is just but a short-lifed dream. i don't even the hell know why i'm writing stuff on this forum here right now, guess it is because i havn't slept the whole night. blah

 

Go get some sleep then ... may be way better than posting here.

 

If your serious about this thread, you will be living a short life.

Not knowing how to properly inject, putting pills & alcohol into your veins....

I'd suggest serious medical help, sounds like maybe the Anti-D's aren't something you should be on.

 

I have lived long enough, and i already feel bad about ever posting this here. just forget about it. and yes, those anti-d's are messing me up, i'm lowering my dose right now anyway.