So my wife of 5 years just left me.....

Changehappens- i would have to disagree show me the statistics on TO it is clearly not 200 000 etc
B) stats on farming etc stats on marriage and divorce and why divorce happens the ratio on children/divorce /marriage etc
I can go on but i'm not wasting my time
i'll hand your post into my Facilitator at school and see what percentage it gets hes a marriage councellor!!

 

hahaha. Im insane? You somehow imagine that your words would give me any sort of direction in my life. Oh how situations like these scratch me in places that are already chafed from bitterness. What sort of insanity do you live by, to believe that this imaginary world exists...hahah. NEW FLASH - duck agree's, congratulations...you have a supporter, someone to ensure that what you believe makes sense, because people are the ultimate authority on the truth, on what is real, how else would we be flying in planes, performing heart transplants, building robots, if not for someone else's opinion. Becuase you guessed it, you feel more confident in what you believe about me, what your imaginary world might be, with duck. This and a number of other circumstances have lead me to believe that I can clearly see you do not belong on these forums. Sincere and honest, you need a sharper mind and a wider understanding of communication, this is not the type of socio-cultural environment that suits your type of interaction with. The majority of why you feel that way about my posts is because you cannot yet communicate with my language style and also you cannot understand the conceptual basis to my conclusion. No, not with the hill billies, a class higher...but what they heck, you already believe me anyways. I mean what else gets you to send me such an arbitrary message...Im probally spot on again. You don't care? I predict that you probably do not know the meaning of arbitration and its adjective, arbitrary. GET and EDUCATION - and tell your teachers that they failed you, your not at fault really, your teachers are. So don't try to forget, try to remember... GET EDUCATION, then return to try and understand what to me is a simplified version of marriage that leads to greater control over ones life, such as the greater control we have exercised over our human body, in areas of health. Then your imaginary world, will reshape itself to show you what it is to enjoy integrity, to live free of opinion and critique it thoughtfully and coherently.

Key points

Communication is offering a code to understand the thoughts in my brain. Right now the codes I use cannot be decoded by your brain and this is partly why your opinion about what you imagine about me, is 'insane'.

Your Teachers, failed you.

Your mind cannot comprehend the concept of marriage, beyond, once again, what your teachers have taught you.

If you want to understand a lot of what my opinion is decode the word "Teacher" as 'anything that has brought you knowledge about the way your will direct your life.' A book can be a teacher or a person with knowledge or T.V. can equally.

 

Frick and Frack - I am not sure what you mean about the 200 000 figure.

Also, I cannot yet say you have disagreed with me. You did not bring into light what you disagreed with and if it simply my facts, then I must say that I only offered two facts. The city of TORONTO is about 2 000 000 people big and the divorce rate is as such.

I think I understand what you mean about the farm statistic. I did not intend to give stats about farms or to hint that people who live on farms have better married lives. What I intended on communicating was that people tend to have a change in desire, in relation to the things that surround the. IE. A kid in africa would be enthralled by the simple thing of having a pizza with the family. A kid here would find it routine. So what I meant was that the more people have to choose from, the less they can appreciate what they already have. Taking this into consideration, if a person lives in a small town with no access to internet and the various different ways to communicate with people, such as forums like these, they have so much less to choose from and their relationship, runs a extensively smaller risk of suffering from the human condition.

 

I LOLed at the bolded part, for real.

But, uh yeah. The reason I agreed that you are insane, besides this rambling style which I find quite likable, was how you said you only expect your marriages to last 3-5 years. Why even get married?
Does that ring make the relationship mean any more?
What's the point of getting married, which is presumably supposed to be 'forever', and you have to fill out legal documents and what not for - if you don't even think you're going to stay married?

As far as the norms and technological world stuff - I don't agree with it at all, but I don't find you crazy for that part (which I assume my counterpart was talking more about), merely a bit artistic and excited.

Really, I think the reason so often marriage fails, is because we so often try to force it or rush it. Same with relationships in general, really.

 

http://www.divorcereform.org/rates.html

This one says 43-50 % of marriages end WITHIN the first 15 years.

http://www.foryourmarriage.org/media_resources/pdfs/snapshot_of_marriage.pdf

Here it says 20 % of marriages end within 5 years. I have nothing against it. My biggest problem with the decision to promise, is the intuitive barriers that arise when attempting to answer what type of person you will be in 40-60 years.

As for the empirical data, the reality of the situation is striking, once you consider that most of these people truly and wholeheartedly believed that they were in it for good, til the end of life. They were also deeply in love and thought it could never be enough. The tried to promise who they would be and the proof for many of them is in the pooding. Keep in mind while analyzing this data that the majority of marriages report problems so severe that they are on the verge of ending.

 

Yeah, but what kind've relationship did they have before they got married, when they were making those promises?

I don't think there is anything wrong with marriage itself. I think the wrong is how our society views and treats marriage.

Even if there were 80% of marriages ending - those 20% show that marriage itself can work just fine.
So, those 80% must be doing something wrong.

Our society puts marriage as the norm. It puts it as something you should do when you're in love. I know tons of people my age and younger that are married or engaged. Some of them haven't even been dating their betrothed for a full year.
Of course divorce rates are going to be high when marriage is just something couples do.
Now my question is - so why do it, if you don't expect it to be forever?
Why just do what everyone else is doing?

 

That the wide conception of it. The rushing into it, as the problem. I imagine that rushing clearly alludes to the understanding that you have to be able to know who you will be in the future, a extremely difficult task. Rushing into it is another way of saying 'with false thinking'. I just see that it is not compatible with the expectations and needs that have developed in our highly interconnected world. Our needs are different, people who got mairried before hardly had sex with anyone other than who they married, imagine someone who has had sex with more than 30 people, clubbs every weekend for the past 5 years(a relatively NEW lifestyle) and rub that up against the expectation that they will love ONE PERSON. Add on to the fact that they are hardly intellectual involved, something that is Necessary to understand what type of person you are and will be and what type of person they are and will be. They're idea of marriage would be something like " What?!! You find someone, you get married, you work out problems, you live happily ever after" Its a clear sign to me that people do not know what they are getting themselves into. 1 in 5 divorcing after just such a short time, shows that my predictions which have arisen from my reasoning and rationale, are spot on.

I do see what you mean by rambling. I hardly edit what i say, maybe i might more in the future.

 

I never attempted to communicate that all people would not benefit from mairrage. Indeed some will. I simply show with clarity, empirical and psychological, that the majority of people are suffering from this age old practice and it seems to need revision, if it is to work.

My quick revision is, do not commit for more than 5 years, AT A TIME.

And an answer to your question is; people marry for economic stability and to raise children, not to be with someone FOR the rest of their lives.

 

You can't rise children and be economical without marriage?
The only reason I would ever, and most likely will, get married is because I love my girlfriend and want to share the rest of my life with her.
I don't see why anyone would get married for any other reason.
(To clarify, I say most likely will because in the past 2 and a half years our enriching relationship has showed no signs of ending, and because despite our differences, we agree on the 'essential' things and have never fought, not because I think it is inevitable, but because, as I said, that seems most likely from the current situation =))

Again, I don't see how any of the evidence suggests that they are suffering of the age old practice. It seems to me, like they are suffering within the age old practice, that they chose to practice - and seemingly chose poorly.

To your post before this.
I agree that people don't seem to know what they are getting themselves into.
And I agree that there were differences that allowed marriage to be more strong in older times.
I'm just saying, some of us our still old spirits - and don't blame our system damnit, just stop using it =P

 

Hope you manage to get her back OP

 

Awww, I don't have any advice to offer, but the original post kind of got me a bit choked up here. So I'm offering my heartfelt sympathy. I'm really sorry.

Hang in there...

{{{Hugs}}}

 

Well things have improved a bit. My daughter is now with me, I drove north and picked her up. My wife is getting a much deserved break and time to unwind and work on herself. I think we're going to try to make things work, but we are going to spend a little time apart, not just to fix the relationship but so she can get some things straightened out in her life that are easier done from her present location. I'm going to work on putting down roots down here, and eventually we should all be together again. I'm working on healing myself and working through my own issues. Right now i'm reading a book on healing the spirit from a native american perspective, i've been doing alot of thinking and quiet contemplating. I'm learning to recognize my own negative patterns and hindrances in my life. I think we will come through this whole, and I think that years down the road this experience will have made our relationship stronger. Just for the record, she hasn't been cheating, that's part of the problem is my own insecurity, and being egotistical enough to think that if theirs an issue she must be fucking around, and I truly believe she has remained faithful. Thanks for all the kind words and support......i'll keep you posted.

 

lunarverse said it right.

and also,
this blaming thing - it's all my fault -- it is just a phase.. i know, i went through the same one..
but after a while, when you change - for the better, i hope - you realize every relationship is a two way street - no one acts without interaction...
all the terrible things i've been blaming myself for - i realized they were only partially my fault.. i mean, they were, but why did i act/behaved/felt that way? because of the interaction with my ex...

and you are doing better... which is great!

look, working on your self is a best thing you can do...

i hope things work out between you twos... love is magical )

 

Things will get better in time.. I'm sorry for your loss but remember life always has a surprise around the corner.