once in the land of hip there lived a happy bunch.One day the king decided to have a point system so he could keep track of his minions.The king wanted to know who was a loyal subject and who wasn't.At first everything went smooth,but soon enough some of the subjects figured out how to rack up points without actually contributing anything meaningful to the kingdom.Many were seen making phony friendships,running from house to house just to pop their heads in to say hello and run.A few of the subjects that held high-up positions with the kings council began to wonder if the point system would rip apart the kingdom.They,however had been given hefty point totals for their loyalty to the mighty king as well as being afraid to go against the king and decided collectively to stay quiet at the meetings.when the entire kingdom was about to collapse the king began to expel many of the cheating subjects in an effort to regain the happy balance.Soon the people were again singing in the streets and popping oxy in the bathroom and lived happily ever after......the end
i had a pet cow once named spot, and i used to go outside almost everyday and take pictures of him for like a year... then one day he was gone and that's when i stopped eating red meat.
that's actually the best reason for not eating meat i've ever heard. alright, here's one from the nuthouse i was in. there was this chick i knew in the nuthouse in unit 420A. completely insane black chick. she was about 5'4 220 lbs, solid muscle. stocky enough to intimidate a dude. she'd always walk around talking to herself and people were kinda scared of her. one day, she was sitting on this couch in the "activity room" (where everyone kinda gathered to watch the only tv in the place). she was sitting across from this hot amazon woman. about 6'0. reminded me of one of those chicks from the "death to snoo snoo" futurama episode. anyway, we were just sitting there. the black chick (brandy) all of a sudden screams at the amazon woman (maria) "you can't a spell on my pussy to make me bleed for a month!" and kicks her. out of nowhere, they both are just swinging on each other nonstop. going at it windmill style. no style, no strategy, just flailing arms going nuts. staff steps in and stops the fight after a minute or two, but maria was left with some huge scrapes on her neck. (i was sitting right next to maria when this went down by the way)
white heap sneezes, passes out, rip opens autumn's gag and says "what do you mean you're autumn and without you there'd be no spring! you fool!! without spring, there'd be no you!! what do you think of that???" then savage rose and fixable come by and kick him in the brains and color him pink for being a phony philosopher then the clown comes by and screams "YOU PHONY PHILOSOPHER!" and jumps on his head.
mmmmmm........okay... I was staying overnight at my girlfriends friends house. My gf and I slept on the couch after a long night of smoking and drinking. In the morning when I woke up I had morning wood and my gf was laying VERY tight against me with her back facing me. Long story short, we start fucking and her friends younger brother comes up from down stairs to leave. The couch was behind a small half wall that was up to about two feet above the back of the couch, so we both knew the kid couldn't see us when he was talking to us from the kitchen. It was a little awkward but we had the wall for cover. He left and we continued to screw. After awhile we were done and got up to take a leak. As I stood up and turned around I realised on the opposite wall there was a HUGE mirror...he had seen everything. After discovering this giant mirror I realised that must have been why he made small talk for 10 minutes about absolutely nothing.
Once, when I was at the zoo, I saw these two meerkats going at it - That's how I learnt babies were born.
lol alright. here's two more from the nuthouse: brandy (the same chick i mentioned in the story before) and me were walking next to each other on the way to the lunch room. she was babbling to herself as usual. i asked her "hey brandy, who ya talking to?" she responded in a deranged sort of way "gooooooood" (god). i pointed in front of her and was like "is he right there in front of you?" she nodded in the same deranged sort of way. so i punched the air right in front of her face. i turned to her and asked "did i get him?" she looked kinda stunned, as if she was waiting for me to feed her delusion and then after a second or so nodded. i was like, what's he doing. she responded "crying" then she starts spazzing out and practically screams at me "say son of isaac. son of jacob. say you're sorry! say you're sorry!" i walked away laughing. there was this dude whose room was across the hall from me. his name was brad. big dude, 6'2, 220. pretty buff. i lifted weights with him. he got kinda a bad rap on the unit for being weird, but he was a pretty nice guy. anyway, just by coincadence, me and this other guy were wearing cream colored pants and a cream colored shirt. me, him, and this other chick (the most able to maintain a normal attitude or whatnot) were invited to go see some play. anyway, brad comes up to me before we're about to head out and says "dude, i know there's something about to go down and i don't want any part of it" when i asked him what he was talking about he says that he's worried about the cream colored gang. i walk away for a second. then come back and start going off. "dude, i don't want anything to happen to you, dude, the shit is about to hit the fan. just stay in your room. dont come out for any reason. just stay in your room. the shit is about to hit the FUCKing fan!" i then leave for the play. when i come back, staff came up to me and asked me not to do that again. apparently they didn't like dealing with him. lol i felt pretty bad for that one. he was a nice guy. had a hard life. it's still kinda funny though.
one time I was daydreaming down the highway and almost rear ended a car line stopped at a red light...all the people behind me were following too close too....the guy behind me stopped just in time.....and then I heard at least ten crashes....and then I drove away
On the phone with my buddy right now.... says... I couldn't get my last girlfriend to come home to throw her out. Followed by... Oh... breaking news...Oh! WTF?...Fucking cable just went out! :rofl:
Yesterday my 6 year old daughter said to me: "Mommy, I'm hungry. Can I have some graham crappers and milk?" Graham crappers. I think that's what I'm going to call them from now on.
my dad called the cops on me when i was 19 and he kicked me out. the cops pulled everything out of my pocket and put it on the cop car when they patted me down. including a ball of opium. they gave me everything back 'cept for the opium when they took me to the gas station (i wasn't cuffed or anything). they had no idea what the opium was apparently. this always reminds me of that string cheese song where the cops find shrooms but don't know what they are.
