My experience into the mind youth - present

First off i want to introduce my self and say hello to everyone on the forums here. I've read a bunch of posts and it seems like a good community of individuals who are seeking the same answers as me.

(you can skip this part and read about my acid experience further down)

A little bit of background before i get into my drug years.
I lived in Greece (where im from) for the first 6 years of my life until my parents divorced leading me to go live in Toronto with my mom. In my youth i was really aware of some issues most people my age havent even come to fathom yet. Allready at the age of 6 I had views on religion, politics and an awareness about myself that made my self feel isolted when i talked to other kids. I constantly felt that Ive been chosen to lead or do something important in this life and it kept me feeling good about myself. Constantly I would be reading scientific books and trying to acquire every bit of knowledge I can to answer my still present question "Who am I, why am i here, what is the purpose of all this?"

When my school days kicked in (late elementary-early highschool) I started to slightly drift off from what I really was. I felt that I wasnt given munch attention due to issues created by my mind.. not fit for the society, intrapersonal behaviour, girls dont like me, yaddi yada..

In high school around grade 11 was the first time i fell in love. It was a deadly feeling, it had burdened me so much that I could concetrate in school or anything else. Day in, day out i kept thinking of her and it felt like a knife to the heart. Also to mention that i totally sucked at dealing with the situation (how to approach, will i be liked back etc.) Eventually I told the girl but it only made it worse because she didnt like me.

Experience with drugs begins now
It wasnt until march break of 06 when i first smoked some weed. It was honestly the cure to all my problems. My troubled mind finally kicked back and enjoyed personal time to an extent which i never felt before. What started out as a once in a while enjoyment suddenly became habitual since it was the only thing that got my mind away from her. A year later I was coined "pot-head" and i didnt give a damn. I would smoke weed before class after class.. and so on. Eventually it reached a point where school was shit, sexual life was never there because it made me just think of my self, and the girl was still at the back of my mind hidden back by the thc.

One day a buddy tells me to try ecstacy since he has seen positive effects from it. At that point I decided to give it a go like someone saying "life sucks im going to jump off a cliff and die." After that experience though it was as my life turned back to my childhood. I had gained maturity, I was able to talk to everyone again with a clear mind and without saying stupid things all the time. I focused on my responsibilities and was able to get amazing marks at school. This ordeal lasted a month before i decided to have another session again which through me back to the gutter. The thought for the girl returned like a lost memory envoloped in the weed high. This continued for another year or so until sept. 2008 when i first tried acid.

When LSD entered my mind
By this time I was very willing to try drugs, i had tried coke, K, shrooms, salvia and every possible way to smoke cannabis. I wasnt sure what to expect from acid. Until that time I was really burnt out every day, very lazy, didnt have no direction in life and nothing motivated me.. i would just go out with friends, smoke up .. munch out, then come home to pass out. Me and 3 buddies did acid that day on sept. 16 2008. 2 hours later I was jumping off the walls and felt alive with energy. Really alert and ready to go anywhere besides the warm day outside. My other buddies didnt feel anything at that point so they decided to pick up some weed. We came back to my friends house and smoked out of a bong.

When i took that hit it felt that my life had become really slow as if a fog had clouded my brain. I started getting frustrated because it felt that the acid high that was coming on me was being phased out. We went out into the woods by my buddies house where we where at and I had an urge to listen to some music to lift me back up. The mp3 was back at my friends house tho. My brain said its so far away.. such an effort.. but suddenly something kicked in me and almost working on auto pilot i walked back got it and came back as if virtually no effort was required. Listen to some 60's classic rock I was able to experience love from everything around me and felt truly enlightened.

What happened with my trip that day was beyond what I had imagined. There where funny moments but most of all anxiety and paranoia. I couldnt look at people or talk to them. I felt if I went home or to a store they will suspect me as someone who had taken drugs or something. It was really scary. That whole day i spent it outdoors with another buddy of mine tripping out at nature and randomly thinking philisophical. I truly gained confidence that night when i split with my friend and was walking home with my music. I came to the realization that I was 20 years old, someone with a working mind that is aware not to fall into loop holes and has alot of potential in life. It really boosted my psych for the good.

I came home that night and had so many creative ideas and thoughts which where free from any procrastination. I sat in my room looking at the moon all night contemplating about my life. I honestly felt I was God and a universal transcedence. My mind was given back to my control and nothing seemed impossible. After that day I had so munch inspiration as if I became a child once more with millions of ideas flowing in my mind. Acid had made me who I really am and cured Anxiety, paranoia and everything i listed above.

My downfall
I started doing acid twice a month. It was such a beneficial trip for me that I kept doing it to learn more and experience the mind in ways i feel are really difficult in this society to truly achieve. On it i felt as a spiritual shaman who could look at anything with such a clear sight and analyze it to a complete detail, I was a God.. a buddha.. Jesus Christ even. When i wasnt on it I still had that positive direction but not to its full effect.

Why is it a downfall tho? When I began to see the light.. I didnt give myself a chance to embrace it and stick with that mind state. I grew eger to learn more and jumped ahead of myself. This eventually led me to starting smoking cigs again, smoking weed, even doing ecstacy(which at this point felt like a fake entheogenic trip with a VERY bad hang over). I based my life around lsd and felt that in order to follow the entheogenic state of mind that I had created I would need to do it and stay clear from every single drug out there. But eventually that didnt work since my home conditions started getting really bad from my offbeat attitude.

Moving back to Greece
The last time I did acid was 2 days before i got on the plane. I felt it will be the last drug I would do and move to a different life away from social pressures which i had gotten myself mixed with (basically i had put my family circle around my friends and they had bad judgement). My last acid trip had no visuals, and none of the entheogenic trips from before. It made me really uncaring about the people around me and totally ignored the life im leaving behind. It also messed up my thinking pattern making me have poor judgement. Also i felt really sleep for a long time.

When i moved back my state of mind had suprisingly kicked back to how i felt in early high school.. still in love with the girl, anxious, bored, and uncreative. Being in this now foreign country I had no way to try my luck with acid, weed or any drug. I was completely shut off from my medicine. Months passed and nothing changed.. it felt as everytime I do acid it wires me a certain way.. and until you do it again you are stuck with that mind.

I will post more about this issue.. felt i wrote too much and you guys will bore reading this story.

Please tell me any opinions on what i should do? Should i try my luck with acid again because it feels as if im falling back to my hypocritical hole. I want to connect back to who I was the dreamer who is totally aware of every sense around him.

thanks.

 

I guess in varying ways I was in your position for a while. Like somebody else said on the forums, acid takes you to a place that's beyond your every day norm and reality. You're gonna have to come to terms with the fact that in the end no matter how magical the experience was you're just gonna be back to this. Normality. You can't really evade your problems/feelings for ever, try confronting them. You can't cloud yourself and run forever man. With the weed, acid, xtc, anything.

In the mean time though, I'd recommend some simple breathing meditation. It can really put you back in touch with yourself. It always helped me anyways. Just to be relaxed.. focused.. present..

Try it. Cool story too, I enjoyed the read

 

Yeah, I'd say go with meditation. You're never going to find lasting contentment if you need chemicals to get that contentment.

Good read though, hope everything works out for you.

 

You should try to realize the aspects of the trip that made you feel at home again, free from all fears. That feeling of being enlightened, that everything is connected, that everything is flowing with life, that is happening all the time, everywhere. Understand this is happening and try to be aware of it, soon your awareness will grow, and then you will feel free once again. LSD only enhances what is already in you.

 

I think it would be beneficial for you to watch the video in the other thread called "Ram Dass on LSD" if you haven't already. My suggestion would be not to take life so seriously. Find out whatever it is that you want to do with your life, and go for it. You are a creator god in your own right, and the possibilities are really endless. The problem with relying on all these substances that show you the way, is that, they only show you the way. In order for your dreams to take into fruition, you have to make the effort.

 

Thanks for the replies i appreaciate them. It's also great to hear that im not the only person out there who has faced this similar problem. I watched the 3 parts with Ram Dass aka Richard Alpert and they where refreshing. I have read and watched alot of Leary and can clearly see how Ram Dass brings forth views that are more realistic to the modern world. Instead of getting how there are other methods to reach that appreciation.

Philosophy is a deep issue in life I think, especially to those of us who really like to see whats beyond that box. I want to describe one of my acid trips that gave me the most positive feedback in order to explain a difference in consciousness.

LSD at a university campus - York University
This was my second trip on acid. It started around 10 am in the morning when i picked up 3 blotters of acid, dropped them, and hopped on the subway to go for the bus. While waiting for the bus (30 mins later) it started to rain. The first thing I noticed was the people ran for cover inside the bus shelter. I sat there on the bench in the rain not caring and having a smile on my face. I looked around and everyone was looking at me like I was some kind of nut. The strange thing is I didnt have to look at them to know that negative energy was circling somewhere. Anyway it wasnt until i reached campus when the lsd started peaking. There i met some friends to whom I couldnt communicate well with because I was to tuned in to everything going around me. Suprisingly not many visuals but more audio. We went and sat inside the student centre which is a big mall area about 5 stories. There I experienced the most stunning thing ever. First of all any sound, including a pin drop I could hear it and it echoed forever in my mind. Secondly while looking at people moving to and fro, up and down the stairs I made the whole scene fast forward (the same way you ffw a video camera).

Alot of confusement is how the trip was the first 4 hours. I also felt really distorted and out of reality. I saw visuals at my friends dorm room, including paintings of salvador dali which totally blew my mind. At one point a wormhole type thing was coming out of one but I quickly shut it. I call all these visual experiences a "Nightmare daydream" something that can be visually confusing that tips you off the edge. What interests me more about LSD is after about 5 hours where you can rationalize with whats going on around you and feel free from your ego. I went back to the campus and sat there again in the rain and felt once again that I was God. I could stare at the rain falling down with eyes wide open. It was amazing, freedom at its very best. I started running around dodging mud fields without getting dirty like some kind of agile cat. Also i looked around at people and could read facial expressions without noticing what they are, or what they wear etc.

Basically I had achieved a clear state of mind like i mentioned in my above post. Something that gave me the world in its beauty state where everything is fully appreciated. Anything that i came by I could sit there analyze it and learn from it. I felt like a computer processing a million things at once and being in full control.

The Next Day
I stayed over at the university and had what i call "An acid nap" where you go to fall asleep, close your eyes for a bit open them the next second and time has vanished into thin air (does this happen to anyone else?). In the morning i sat in the bus shelter waiting for the next bus where i was informed it will take an hour. I didnt sigh, grief or anything.. I smiled and meditated the whole time sitting there. My mind that day and on had become rapidfire. Millions of thoughts, ideas, and probabilities flowed in me like a computer. I felt that everyday and every waking hour should be spent productively in one way or another.. produce.. work work work.. and I kept thinking of a sickle digging a field. My friends will constantly call me over to drink, smoke a spliff and I would join them whenever I had a chance.. but i didnt feel that I needed those substances. Its like the acid had ridden any need to take any substances for good. I felt amazing allready I didnt need to get drunk to feel great, or get high to feel spaced out.. I was in a state of bliss. Throughout this period i read alot of books, especially on psychedelics, came up with alot of theories which I will share some other time.

This state of mind lasted about a month before i decided to get drunk and high one night just for the hell of it. After this ordeal my mind was backed out of clear state. This is my question to the forum, why is it that when i take a substance my mind rides that trip until another comes into play? Has anybody been in this situation?

I try not to take life seriously.. I try to appreciate the beauty around me.. I know all these lessons you mention and I'm still learning. But theres a fog there clouding my mind, not allowing me to think and trapping me from this transcedental understanding, the balance.

Acid brings me to this level and keeps me to it.. but only when i keep my self clear from all the other highs. I am shown a path and I have to keep it for it is the path of enlightenment for me. It makes me not rely on substances like you mentioned above and not run away from my problems.

At the present moment im in the army. Its a necessary ordeal I have to go with for 6 months. LSD is not in my reach and im rooted everyday with problems about issues that are really annoying and have no logic in them. What can I do to confront these issues.. how can i be in clear state?

Any ideas would be great.. if someone has some good meditation techniques before falling asleep or while standing still at a spot for hours to share that will also be great, thanks again.