How much should sexual dissatisfaction affect relationship?

I was wondering what you guys and gals think about this particular situation:

Me and my girlfriend are 3.5 years together. She seems to be enjoying every minute of it, but I am not so much. Don't take me wrong - I love her, but on the flip side I am dissatisfied with our sexual relationship. She seems to enjoy it a lot (she is quite conservative on sexual variations, meaning it never goes much farther than more or less usual sexual positions in a safety of a locked room). I feel different. I wouldn't say I'm a wild type of person, but I do feel I'd like to try out other things. I love her, and I'd love to find new experiences together with her, but she is quite different, she stays with what she's got and enjoys it.

I really do my best. During sex I attempt to do things she likes most and most of the times it takes her a while to restore her consciousness after the act.

Yes, I know, I'm a man, I'm a pig, but I would love to try something else. Yes, I'd like to try out a threesome once (both types, but the other guy would be for her, I'll keep my hands off.... ). Heck, I'd be happy if she'd just kiss another girl. But these things are not for her, and I sure as hell wouldn't force her into something like this - after all, she has the right to decide for herself.

What should I do? Should I break up with her? This is really making me unhappy for quite a while now (couple of years, give or take).

 

There is clearly a mismatch in personality on some level. You have different preferences, which is natural. The question is, is that difference a dealbreaker?

You need to determine whether your other differences and non-sexual relationship make up for what appears to be lacking in the bedroom.

I take from your post you've spoken to her about this, so I won't tell you to communicate. But sex can be absolutely sensational even in conservative positions.

 

Oh, I totally agree. I do enjoy sex with her. It's just that after a while together, I increasingly got the urges to try things new.

She is five years younger than me (25 vs 20). I have the feeling that if I don't try some things out within few (too few) upcoming years, I will never try them. After all, I am soon to reach age when you have to get married and start thinking about a serious job (which I do now, already) and a family. Then comes the baby and it's all gone.

Am I nuts thinking all this? At first, I attempted to forget it, but the urge for new and exciting got much stronger over the time, to the point where it's in my mind almost daily.

What exacerbates the problem, is that she is not an initiator, meaning she has trouble to initiate foreplay first. I believe many men would testify that a woman starting the foreplay is a "turn-on", and I agree. She can't really do that. I do my best to communicate, and first year I attempted soft persuasion, but soon enough it dragged into fights. After those, she changed for a week or two, and then everything goes downhill again.

 

If you can't get over it, then yes, end the relationship before you go any further. If it's been this long, this is definitely going to hurt her, but it's better to get out before it turns into something like 10 years...
Have you talked about it? Communication is good. Maybe she came from a family where it was weird to talk about it. Maybe she feels embarrassed and doesn't want to admit that she would try certain things. Be careful with this one, because chances are, she won't even admit it to herself, and will be mortified that you would think that she would like those things.
With time, we become more adventurous, but if you have been sleeping together for a long time (ie: more than a year) and she is still not any more open, then it may be that she really is not into much. And if you need more, then you need more. What's it worth to you?
This is only one aspect of the relationship, so you are going to have to weigh it against the others, but sexual compatibility is VERY important in my eyes, and I would never fully commit to someone without knowing and accepting this side of them in addition to the others.

 

FireflyInTheDark,

We've been sleeping together for over three years now, and I reached same conclusion - she's just not into those things. Honestly, I did my best not to hurt her with this thing - I never pushed her into anything, I always tries starting conversations on the issue as softly as possible (at least, in the first year). She just doesn't have it in her. Which is not a flaw, I believe. She is just a different kind of person. She wants security and stability most of all, which isn't something new for a woman (and a man).

I love her. I do believe that I would be hard-pressed to find a better wife than her (i.e. the woman to have family with). I am feeling, however, that I still have little time left before I have to start a family, and I still have little time to try new things. I mean - I'd love to have family with her. On the flip side, however, I feel that if I don't solve my "wild oats" (sorry if misspelled) now, it would become much worse if we're a family and could lead to a divorce in the future. If we'd have children by that time - it would be disastrous for them.

 

Yes.
First, you don't have to do any of those things.
Second, you can still have excellent sex well into advanced stages of life.

I felt similarly to you in my last relationship, which ended over four years ago. I felt I hadn't been with enough girls or experimented enough sexually, which was a contributing factor to my infidelity and insecurity. Now, I feel much more comfortable with entering a relationship, having got most of my restlessness and sexual exploration out of my system. I know what's out there, I know what I like, and what is important to me.

 

That's not what I meant, mate. Obviously, you don't stop having sex at 30. But somethings are less available to the regular folk past certain age (unless you're a porn star). Not what I'm looking for, but still - you probably wouldn't do orgies when you have a wife waiting at home and a kid or two. That's not about the age, really, it's about position in life.

I guess maybe that's what I want to do now.

 

A wise woman once said, "If the sex is good, it's about 5% of the relationship. If the sex is bad, it's about 90% of the relationship."

 

Oh, lol. To be honest, I need two things to be perfectly happy with relationship: good sex life, and fine home-made food from time to time (I don't have any fancy demands, though). For me, even good sex is much more than 5%.

 

i tottaly agree
i broke up with my bf of 2 years cause of the bad sex
i dont regret it
wen in a relationshit
they should have more or less the same sex drive
like on the same level
ive noticed wen there not equal (my lovers gf dont like sex n he loves sex (yes im his lover he cheats on his gf with me aint no shame in that)n they fight alot there on the verge of breakin up)the relationship might not wurk out

 

If you don't explain the issue in detail to her then the issue is just as much your fault as hers. Does she really know what you feel or do you pass it off as something smaller then it is?

 

Look around you dude, think about all the older couples you know.

A lot of people say they are happily married cos thats what they have to say.

Dont believe the shit that comes out of their mouth, watch how they are, do they still look at each other like horny teens?

Past 40, the only time you see truly happily married is when they are still banging each others brains out in a number of different ways.

When people say sex isnt the most important thing in a relationship, thats bullshit, and you only hear it from couples where things in the bedroom arent going all that well.

Sex and Money problems, always was, is, and always will be the top two relationship killers

After saying that though, if she is is more into it than you, sounds like a good thing, stock standard stuff might just be what she likes the best, easiest way to get off, anything else might just be something she has to put up with till you get back to good old missionary. Probably the only solution is to cut off supply until she does agree to out of the ordinary, but take small steps.

And then there is this:

If you think its easy for the girls to do same sex stuff than it is for the guys, well then you need your head read

 

Well, as I wrote before, communication is not the problem in our relationship. That's the thing, we have actually spoken so much on this issue, that there's no point already. It's all been talked over, from every possible angle.

 

As much as it does.
Ya cant fake it.

 

I might be wrong, but it is somewhat easier for girls. Note how many girls act (I'm not generalizing, though): walking on the streets, hugging, kissing on the cheek, or something to that effect. Ever see straight guys acting this way? From what I see and read, females are more inclined for same-sex relationships (any kind) than males.

Let's see another example: this co-worker of mine recently told me that on a party a girl kissed her. She said she was surprised at first - but certainly not shocked. Now imagine a guy on a party kissing another guy. That would certainly lead to a brawl, unless, of course, both are homosexual.

Again, don't think I'm a snob - it's not easy and I don't expect it to be easy. Moreover, I quite understand this might be something she can't do, and I don't want to push her into it; I don't want to pressure her into this. The question is if I should stay in such relationship.

 

^^^

A Hug and a Kiss, a whole different thing to drinking from the furry cup

 

lots of good advice,but the truth you know: no future, disappointment, slow boil 'til the breakup. you will look elsewhere....that's the way it goes dude. You want what you're not gonna get. Break off now or later - it will happen.

 

If you are unhappy,y ou are unhappy.
It's up to you to decide if it's enough to risk the relationship over.

 

I was unhappy in a relationship for YEARS because the sex was horrible. Eventually, yes, it WILL be the catalyst. You need to be honest with her and tell her how much this is bothering you. If she refuses to see eye-to-eye, you're going to have to do the hardest thing you may have ever done and end this thing before it gets too out-of-control. I wish I had.

 

Agree with everything you said!!