I have to let all this out somewhere...

Beware, this is long.

The reason I'm posting this here is because I think weed made me this way... if I was this way before I started smoking then I don't remember.. I mean, I think I was always like this but I think since I've started smoking its just made all of this even more prominent.

As of now, I have absolutely no clue what I want to do with my life. I'm 18, about to start college at Temple University. No major. Most of my friends, they have some sort of idea, most of them are not undecided, or if they are, they at least know what they like to do. They at least have some idea. I have NO clue.

There are lots of things I like. I like photography, I like theater, I like music, I like people, I like reading, I like food (that is, the time and determination that goes into cooking a good meal)... but I'm not good at any of it. I like a lot of things... I can appreciate a lot of things. But it seems everything I try to do, everything I enjoy the idea of, I'm terrible at. I'm terrible at photography, I'm an introvert, I love watching people interact, I love going to parties and social gatherings, but I don't actually interact. I just like to watch. I would like to interact but I have no idea how. I have no idea what to say, because I can't follow anything. My head is blank. In social situations, I can't tell you what is going on in my head that makes me so quiet. It's like nothing is in my head, and I'm just there, like not even a living thing...

I'm not depressed. I'm not suicidal. To be honest though, I was in the past. In 8th grade (5 years ago) I was unhappy with myself. By 9th grade I was depressed and anorexic. Depressed soon lead to suicidal, and I went to a therapist for a while. From 10th to 11th grade I saw a therapist and by the end of 11th grade I was no longer depressed. I was still unhappy though... but by mid senior year (the same time I smoked weed for the first time, now that I think about it) I was very happy. Very content with my life. I liked my friends, I liked school (not really, but it was very bearable)... I was just pleased with how things were going.

Summer came... I didn't do much this summer. I did the things I wanted to do though, and I'm not dissatisfied with how I spent my time. In my opinion, the summer before freshman year of college should be spent relaxing, seeing friends, vacationing in California or Ocean City, NJ or where ever. However, college was getting closer... and while I'm not dreading one bit of college, what I am dreading is the work involved, the idea that now I'm going to have to actually apply myself, actually do something, find a career... it all seems so confusing, such a huge world that I can't even begin to comprehend.

Back to not having any interests or things I'm good at or directions I could go in... the one thing I've always enjoyed and actually have been a part in is music. I played piano from when I was 6 to 13... I hated piano those 7 years but now I love it... I wish so badly that I had continued taking lessons. However, considering I took lessons for 7 years, I was terrible at piano. After I quit piano lessons I started playing drums in school, and I was terrible at that too. I stuck with it though, took lessons for a few years, played in the high school band every year I could, and this past year played in the high school jazz band for the first time. I definitely enjoyed doing that, but I wasn't good enough to be a music major. My skills were nothing compared to any other drummer my age who'd been playing for 3+ years. Soon after my last jazz band competition, I took down my drum kit (which is in my room) because it simply took up way too much space, and it is now piled up in a corner of my room, completely broken down. I have no intention of setting it up again.

I feel like all my desire to play has been buried... it isn't gone, but it's definitely less than it used to be. I realized that with so little dedication there is no way I could ever be a successful musician. Especially considering I don't even know what I want to do in the field. I would like to perform, but to be honest, I dreaded every single performance I ever did. I hated them so much. Composing... I would like to compose music. I constantly have beautiful music flowing through my head, I very rarely listen to music on my ipod simply because I don't need it... I prefer the music of my own creation much more. However, getting that music in my head onto paper is another story. I took a music theory class in my junior year of high school and composing was so difficult... by the time I could actually get down anything on paper it was no longer what I originally intended it to be.

I have little patience. I have no attention span... anything that could take more than ten minutes is basically impossible for me to do unless I take it extremely slowly because I just simply lose interest. I know this is going to be a huge problem in college... I managed to get by in high school with a 3.6 average GPA with doing very little work, but that was high school... and a very very easy high school. I never took AP classes, most of my classes were academic (the standard level) although I took Honors level History and English throughout most of high school (and struggled through both).

I've considered the fact that I'm just stupid. I can't comprehend the majority of what I read, I can't come up with things on my own, any kind of creative thing I've ever had to do has always been incredibly difficult. I can't follow instructions, if anything is too complicated I simply give up.

College... college is the whole reason any of this has been coming up in my head this whole summer. I have to take college seriously. I have to try my absolute hardest in college and do the best I can possibly do. Why? My cousin has been generous enough to pay for half of my tuition. He is basically giving me a hundred thousand dollars. And he is giving ANOTHER hundred thousand to my sister, my twin sister, who is also going to Temple. I have to make the most of my education. He is giving me this amazing opportunity to not have to worry about paying off loans, or paying for anything school related simply so that I can focus that much more on school.

I don't feel like I deserve this at all. I have absolutely no idea what I want to do, how I want to make these four years worth my time, and my cousin's money. I don't have much interest in my future. I honestly don't care what happens to me. I don't care about making money, I don't care about where I live. The only thing that is really important to me is having close friends. As long as I have friends I'll be fine. But my cousin didn't give me all this money to make friends.

I would like to take music lessons. I would like to do what I can to get good grades in all my classes and dedicate all the rest of my time to music. I know that isn't realistic though. I know I would never do that. As much as I want it, I have no dedication. I've taken career tests, personality tests, all of that. It seems that every test I take, I always wind up somewhere in the middle. This makes everything just that much harder... based on most tests I'm introverted, but only very slightly. I like reason and logic, but I like abstract ideas and fantastical creations just as much. It's like I'm just stuck in the middle of a giant bubble, and while I can see others drifting to whatever side they feel they fit, I'm just stuck floating, with no direction at all, nothing to grasp, nothing to pull me to any side.

I feel so lost in this world... and I don't care. I don't care about school, I don't care about what I major in... at times I feel I could major in anything and as long as the work is given to me I'll do what I can to get by and graduate. But my cousin isn't giving me $100K to do that. He's giving me this money so I can make the most out of everything I experience, so I'm able to go beyond what I'm financially able to do and experience everything I want to experience. I don't deserve this money, I don't deserve much of anything. I'm incredibly indecisive... I can't decide things as simple as what to eat for dinner. If there is more than one option than forget about it. In most cases I'll just skip it completely to avoid deciding one over the other.

I just needed to rant... to let all of this out... I need to talk to someone but I don't know who... I feel like I get help for everything I do and I need to be more independent, but I have no idea where to go at this point. I'm just lost, and the only reason I care is because my cousin gave me all this money. If he hadn't done this I would be going on with my life as normal, just assuming that everything will work itself out in the end. But for him, I can't do that. I can't let him just waste his money like that. Now I've got the pressure of showing my cousin that I used his money wisely, that it wasn't a total waste.

 

Sounds like you're very troubled and there is always a fix for that. Everyone I know has gone though the same thing you've described and I know that Im young but Ive went through it too. Its the pressure that builds up when you start thinking about how the decisions you're making now are going to affect you're future or whether you're going to waste you're time on something that you will end up not being happy with. In my opinion whether this helps or not you cant rush yourself into deciding these things. Not many people have a clue or idea of what they will end up being. We all have these wishful illusions of how we would want something to pan out but nothing is ever going to be clear right away. Just take a little time out to yourself, getting to know yourself a bit better without forcing yourself to think about it much and it will develop naturally. Start taking courses in things that you are interested in whether you're good at them or not. A part of going to college is learning what it is that you want to do. Many people major in fields that they are intrigued in without even having a lot of knowledge in the area.

On a side note, Im sure if you were to talk to your cousin he will understand that your indecisive about what direction you want to go again, but he will also know that its normal and probably went through it himself at one point or another!

 

thats all true, and i know i'm probably overreacting... i just dont deal well with stress haha.

also the thing that sucks about temple is if youre undecided the only classes you can take are gen ed classes which all suck. so i cant take like any music classes without actually being a music major... how the fuck iis that supposed to help anyone figure out what they actually want to do??

 

Damn, that was a long read. lol

I know how you feel. That's how I've been for most of my life. I've never known what I wanted to do. I've tried many things; I joined the army, then I decided that wasn't what I wanted and got myself kicked out. I went to Job Corps, but that didn't help me any. I got accepted to a university, but I wasn't sure of what field I wanted to study, so I didn't attend.

That's how life is. It's full of trial and error, so to speak. You'll figure things out, eventually. You don't have to decide on a major right now. The way I understand it, many people go through their freshman year of college before they decide what they want to major in, and you can also change your major, if you choose to. Nothing is ever certain and it's never too late to decide what you wanna do with your life, so take the opportunity that has been provided for you and roll with it. You'll figure things out, eventually, and all will be well. Life isn't supposed to be easy, so you just have to take it as it comes and make the best decisions you can.

If you want a career in music/food/whatever, then go for it. Practice makes perfect and if you really want to improve your skills, then you can. You're still young as fuck and have plenty of time. You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to, and I'm sure you won't let your cousin down.

I'm not sure if weed is what has made you think like this, but if you think it is the cause, then stop smoking for a while and see if your life improves, because weed definitely isn't for everyone. However, if you figure out that weed isn't what has caused your confusion, then you can always start smoking again, if you want to.

 

I wish I could help you out, especially considering that you sound very similar to me.

I would say that it'd be a good idea to think about quitting smoking for about a month, and see what that does for you mentally/emotionally/physically.

Do you have any guesses what may have caused this?

 

I didn't read all of it, but i got a good jist of what you're talkin about
i can totally relate

i was just thinking earlier today about how i am completely fucked with knowing what i want to do and trying to meet new friends and whatnot

i concluded that i will just have to see what time brings - there is no use getting worked up and scare myself about what the future holds. i'd suggest pinpointing things you want to improve about yourself - for me it'd be my social interactions and the way i present myself - and just make that better or more of what you think you want to be.

a lot of what college is, is finding who you really are...high school is a bunch of contrived mess of things and finally we are allowed to be truly free from the restraints of parents, teachers, strict guidelines, etc etc

thats a scary thought in itself, no need to be worried about what you are going to do, because with finding who you are, you find your strengths and your interests. from there we can find careers paths and degrees - whatever.

just enjoy it as it comes at you, i guess...
and dont dwell on the past - what you SHOULD have done, blah blah blah - i do the same thing sometimes and all it makes me do is think about what i've done wrong

 

Maybe you should consider checking out other options in reference to schools. Life is going to lead you through many trials and tribulations and mistakes are made to help guide you in the right directions afterward. Maybe start off in the sociology area, you noted you're interests in the interaction of people and from there you could venture off into a filed on how music influences people and just keep going on! You will discover new things about yourself through the process.

 

No time to read that, but thanks for the warning.

 

First of all relax. You have put a lot of pressure on yourself-way too much.

On your first day moving in you'll get around to asking everyone the same thing-name, where your from, and what's your major. Most people don't know. Most people who do know will change their major-sometimes a few times before they graduate.

You're 18. Most people don't know what they want to do with the rest of their life. Philly is a great city to explore. Tons of free things to do. Tons of places to explore.

By the end of the first semester choose a major. You'll probably change it after a year or 2. Everyone does. We are living in a time when most people will change their profession once or twice in their lifetimes. I have a good friend-she's 32-and she's starting at Temple Law this fall. She was an art history major in college. Ended up teaching high school english for the last 10 years and decided she wanted to be a lawyer.

Go to school to explore life. Figure out who you are. Set personal goals for yourself and go for them. Explore the city on your own-join some clubs-explore. Try things you normally wouldn't try. This is the only time in your life when you really have the freedom to do this. Study hard-try to get good grades. Even though you may not be into the classes-try to get good grades early. It makes it easier when you do decide what you want to do.

And soon enough you'll figure out what you want to do. And probably soon after that you'll change your mind.

 

i have jack shit to say about this, but i'm gonna comment anyways

 

lol

 

I ain't gonna lie.. quitting smoking for the time being i think has been one of the best decisions of my life

 

sit down ( which you probably are already ) and just relax a bit man, keep in mind that everyone is good at something, its just a matter of time before it finds you

 

take a deep breath.
now from what you said you are drawn to people and the arts. i would say that sociology is a good idea, but you could take your modest art and teach others to love it. you dont have to be great at piano to teach an elementary music class, plus you get to watch the kids. personally thats what i would do in your situation. but go into something that interests you, even if you have to wait a little while to find it.

 

I think you need some guided relaxation...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W5WxZNIpszs

 

your not the only one, check. trust me

 

pfft.. i never had any emotional break downs after highschool.. tryin to figure out where my life was gonna go

 

i have a long ass response so i'll pm you instead of posting here

 

i got a long ass response for you

 

thanks guys, seriously i didnt really expect this much legitimate support. it really helps to know i'm not alone... and yeah i think im just stressing myself out.

with the whole smoking thing... i havent smoked in like, three days maybe haha but i feel great, and i have absolutely no desire to smoke. kinda sucks cause i just bought a bubbler, but oh well that thing isnt going anywhere. i think im just going to relax for the rest of the summer, try to not smoke at all (or at least not buy anything, if someone calls to smoke me up i might not turn them down depending on the situation). i dont think weed is specifically the problem, but i think its definitely made me lazy and less motivated to do stuff. like ive never been an ambitious person but i think smoking weed just made me even less of one haha

but again, thanks for all the replies, it really means alot