I Am Confused by My Feelings

This post is more to vent than anything, but any comments or advice will be very much appreciated. I'll start by saying this summer has been complete hell for me. Everything I hoped and imagined to happen fell way through. During the school year, I become quite isolated. I focus a lot on my school work and do not have a whole lot of time to hang out with friends or my boyfriend, nor do they with me. I thought the summer would be a great way to get back in touch with the people I love. Well, I thought wrong. Everyone got hired this summer, except for me. I have been trying relentlessly to get a job. I applied everywhere I could think of multiple times. I don't want a job for the money as much as I do an outlet to get out of my house and talk to people. In addition, my boyfriend of 10 months became involved with working for his parents for money and working on being in a local play. He stopped getting online, period, and rarely calls me anymore. Whenever I call him, I always feel like the conversations are cut short or are just much duller than they used to be.

I don't feel like he is losing feelings for me, despite what is happening to us lately. He always sounds incredibly in love and always tells me he thinks about me a lot during the day. He even sends me letters or cards just to let me know he's thinking about me. He talks about me a lot to his family, according to him. On the other hand, I still feel incredibly detached from him. We did talk about this, and he asked me if this is because we don't see each other much anymore. I told him no. The last time I saw him, while I was very happy to be around him, I still felt like we were losing our usual closeness. The feeling is very hard to explain. I do not feel like I lost my love or feelings for him. That is not what I am trying to get at. I just feel like this summer drew us greatly apart. He acts like he is available to spend time with me any time, but I don't think that is necessarily true (I don't expect him to, anyway, but every once in a while would be nice). He has been extremely busy this summer, and he even admitted that. For most of the summer, I sat around on a recliner wondering if we were ever going to talk again-just talk. I just want our old deep conversations back. Every conversation we have anymore is about plans or something else that needs to be discussed. We don't talk like we used to, about anything and everything. I don't feel amazement and sparks and feelings in the pit of my stomach while his words flow. I just feel like I am, for lack of a better word, numb. When he talks to me about his day, I feel like I am listening to something forced upon me. I really hate admitting this, but I am beginning to feel disinterested in his conversations with me.

I am usually a loner and don't need human affection, but I recently found myself craving it more than ever. All my friends barely talk to me anymore, as they are also busy with their summer vacation. I then got in touch with an old friend, who is quite younger than me (4 years younger, to be exact). He is mature for his age, and we met through volunteer work we did together. We are just friends and spend time together. He also is my neighbor, so that helps when I want someone to just go take a walk with me and talk. We have been doing this almost every night now. We enjoy each others' company, and I am glad to have a friend like this in my life. We tease each other, joke around, and just have a great time together. I feel the empty feeling in my life slip away when I am around him. I just worry I am a little too into the attention and affection from him, and I really hope I am not scaring him off by wanting to hang out all the time, although he usually is the one to initiate us getting together. Oh, and please do not take this the wrong way. We are merely friends.

I just feel like nobody really wants me in their life anymore. My parents and I have been arguing lately. I don't know what to do or how to make my life happier. I have been trying to take up hobbies to get my mind off of this strange, sad feeling. I always wanted to take dance classes and finally started to, and that has been slightly helping. I just feel bad that my boyfriend has to deal with my strange attitude towards him. Tonight, we had a bit of a quarrel. I was already upset over something that happened with my parents and just needed someone to vent to. He told me his phone was dying, which I know is not his fault, but I couldn't help but get snappy with him. I told him I was going to go find someone to talk to, which I know sounds like a dig, but I didn't intend that. I just wanted him to know that I needed to go and talk to someone. He then told me he was there for me, even though he refused to talk to me using his home phone or get online when I really needed someone to talk to. I then started crying and letting my feelings show about feeling not cared about. He was confused why I felt like he didn't care about me, and I couldn't even put together the words to explain why. I feel like I have so much built up resentment towards him, like I am jealous of him for having a life or like I feel like he's trying to cut me out of his life.

I know the feeling I am experiencing, but I can't explain it to anyone. I try so hard sometimes. I just wish someone could read my mind. And I do know he loves me. I just feel like everything is falling apart and like I am an empty shell anymore. I am sorry for the negativity that swarms within this post, but I would rather it be let out in this post than in my mind and soul every day.

 

Awww i'm sorry sweety, I'm guessing based on your age that you are still in highschool. Believe me I felt this way a lot going through those 4 years also but you know what? Things changed, I went to college met a lot of new friends had a couple of girlfriends and now as I am about to graduate I am friendless, girlfriendless and about to move to another state. Life comes in so many phases that you just have to learn to ride the waves. I know new friends and new adventures await me even though I don't really see any hope of that at the moment. As far as your boyfriend goes maybe you should plan some time together, or make at least two nights a week your date nights. If he isn't up for this its time to move on. Become closer with the friend you just made. Personally if you were my girlfriend, even if I was crazy busy I would make time whether it be an early morning walk or a late night walk looking at the stars. If he can't make time, I'm afraid you should maybe look for someone new, but first talk to him about it, sit him down, and find out what he wants, sometimes people grow apart.

Anyways feel better, because things will get better, don't worry!!!!!

 

Sorry to hear, and hope very much so that things will get better for ya.

I can relate mostly on this. Think this type of thing comes by me in shifts :/ and it can very well suck. Hence the hidden meaning the pic below to me.

Though i think when down in this state, we tend to constrew what we hear and interactions to this line of thinking then what realy is. Its all negative in tone with no basis other then what we give it.

Though I can't say I am a good example of remedying this, but Things that should help in the long run would be to try to give a more positive outlook. You said you already have a great friend to talk to, that is a huge plus. If into Music much, that can help as well. Or reading / books can give good boost on the mind. This is just a couple of things, Activities are a great help since you haven't found a real job to work with you can always branch out to doing more along the activity route.

Not sure why your Boyfriend can't get with ya atleast once a week, Normally if even overworked, I'd be trying to find some ounce of time . but then again I have had months where work encompassed my entire life ~ and off time to them was a forbidden thing.

Overall Time seems to be the ultimate solution, things will change. Mostly its for better and afterwards these months will be nothing but a thing of the past to look apon. Cause sureidley this will not last forever . Only problem is, time just goes to dam slow sometimes lol.