giving up your patterns and just leaving

wasn't sure where to post this but i figure i'll get some good input from people here...

for reasons i won't go into i feel like i need to get out of my "life" right now, to leave to somewhere completely new. everything i've been has been very sheltered and expected and impersonal, and i don't want to participate any more. for the last 4 years i've been very disengaged and uninterested in basically everything which the doctors called depression. part of that feeling uninterested has been the lack of interest in even changing THAT (what a vicious cycle!).

but now i do want to change it and i don't know why. and i know exactly what i want to do- just leave. i've never needed very much, i'm quite happy with just a few books and clothes that work as clothes. i don't even eat all that much, which may not be the healthiest thing in the world but my point is that i get by. what i really want to do is just to pack a few things and head out, but i don't know where. i just want to travel until i find a small place where i can start my life differently from how it's been.

they say that you should always listen to what you want to do, would you agree? i'm honestly more afraid of never moving at all than taking a few wrong turns here and there. movement is healthy and it is deathly to be stagnant... and this is not just a quick feeling of rebellion, i've been thinking about this carefully for quite some time and it just keeps persisting.

so do i listen to myself? should i always trust myself even when i've been led to believe that i need to stick around and take things slow and normal?

i don't know how well i put all of this so if something's not clear or you want more info just lemme know, i'm more than happy to discuss. this has just been on my mind for some time now and it'd be good to hear what other people think.

 

all i can say is i can relate.. i've been there at times. wish i knew what to say other than you're not alone.

 

thanks for taking the time to read and comment... it is appreciated.

i jsut wanted to add that i do believe that life has rules in the karmic sense... that there are some inevitable results of certain actions.

because i feel that everything is connected in this way, i'm convinced that there's no way to "think out" this situation and rather that to think it out would really be to ignore it.

i don't think i've been more uncomfortable and restless than i am now but i also think that i'm coming to terms with important things and that this whole deal isn't so much ridiculous or rash as it is necessary.

 

i have no expertise or much experience but I think you could easily find what you're looking for by being mobile, even if that thing is simply to see what you currently have/are in a new light. I don't think anyone really needs to change their circumstances except for the light in which they see them. IOW you don't need new surroundings, you just need a new you, as you said. And your proposed plan can be a means to accomplishing it.

in a nutshell, your idea of migrating can be a sufficient, but not a necessary conduit to what you want.

 

thanks for the reply, i know what you mean.

what i meant to say was that i see no way of my situation now being any different.

it's pretty involved but i'll try to say it as briefly as i can- i'm living with my dad in a VERY small apartment. i don't have a job or any money except for some checks i'm waiting on from research studies i've been participating in.

as of right now i can very clearly see the kind of person i've been over the past few years and the kind of patterns i've developed which, as my little section of life is functioning, really don't have any foreseeable change/willingness to change.

i honestly feel like i'm losing interest in "making this work" because everything i've done has always been for someone else, because i've never cared enough to do it for myself. that's all anything i'd do right now would be- for other people.

this leaving is something that appeals to me because it doesn't involve anyone else and is the only thing i can see myself engaging in because it's something that i feel like i should do.

maybe i'm just being overdramatic in my search to be self suficient and my own person but, given what i am now, i don't see how else that could happen that would change the way i feel.

edit: something else that might help people understand... lately i've been more and more seeing myself and those around me as systems, which are particularly strong and defined in ways that keep breaking down to me. not because they don't "work" but because they're not what i thought they were, and there's too much indication that how i'm seeing them now is how they've always been and it's just me who's seeing it differently.

it's almost like waking up from a dull dream into something that is constantly crashing, but it's so obviously awake it's impossible to "sweep under the carpet".

 

hmmmm well, you could jump onto the Renaisance Circuit. i traveled the Ren Fest Circuit for 7 yrs and i had a blast. i traveled all over the country making money (not a lot but enough) working weekends in craft booths while wearing a neat costume and doing a part time piece work during the week. i learned how to do interesting things like hammock weaving, leather craft, jewelry making and flamework. i made a lot of cool friends, saw lots of cool sights, danced in some very awesome drum jams and experienced assorted adventures like climbing up one of the cliffs in the Garden of the Gods in Colorado. doing the Ren Faires was one of the most fun times of my life. unfortunately it's rather late in the year but there are a few shows left in this season (like the Texas Ren Fest which runs Oct/Nov) but it's better to start at the beginning of the season which is in Febuary with the Apache Junction show in Arizona, then it's the Tampa Show in Florida, then the Fairburn (Atlanta) Ga show and so on across and around the country. it's best to have a car of your own but i didn't for the first 3 yrs or so. i just bummed rides to the next show, helping with gas $. it's best to get to a show a 1 week or 2 before it starts in order to find a decent job. if you luck out you can sometimes land a job that carries over from one show to the next so you work for the same people the entire season. you'll need a tent or vehicle to sleep in and normal camping stuff like a sleeping bag and it's good to have a couple hundred bucks in your pocket for stuff like your costume and for necessities during the 1st week or 2 before you get paid. i'd do some research via google if i were you. this might be just what you're looking for. travel around the country with the security of a job, hang out with cool people in an eccentric creative social atmosphere. good luck! i hope this helps.

 

I think traveling or moving can be a very healthy step in finding out who you are and who you want to become. I live in a very small, very conservative town in East Tennessee. I felt so incredibly stifled, like no matter what I did, I did not have a chance of becoming the person I felt like I wanted to be. There just wasn't a place for it. I left and moved to Alaska for about a year (that's a whole other story), and I came back completely different. I'm back in my tiny little town, I'm getting ready to go to college, but my time away from here was the best time of my life, and I grew enormously. Wow, that was long winded. My point is, getting away might be exactly what you need, and it's better to do it now while you have few attachments and ties to the world you're living in right now.

 

Think carefully. Are you running from something or running to something? There's a big difference.

 

Quote: "all i can say is i can relate.. i've been there at times. wish i knew what to say other than you're not alone."

Well, there's nothing like the truth. Well-said, Dazed.

The first step in getting better is to get up and move. It's not the only step, by any means, but it's the place to start. Sometimes the movement is in your head, sometimes to a place, and sometimes (when you're really down) it's getting up, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, and heading out the door. I guess, really, it's all in your head. Anyway, safe travels to you (clearly you need to get out of the present situation).

 

I did the same thing, for about the same reason. I was labeled depressed, apathetic ect. I needed a change, change of scenery, change of people, change of everything. start new. so I did, I packed up a suitcase and a back pack, and took off for Denver, Colorado. Best desicion I could've made. I'd probably be dead by now if I hadn't. Listen to your heart, that little voice in your head. You may just be surprised how right they are.
And everything happens for a reason, just go with the flow and you'll be fine.

 

Change we must ... and it's your own choices that will change you, no matter if you stay on the same place for the rest of your life or move across the country, to find a new perspective and plenty of fresh air.

And maybe your very first step is to reconcile to your current life now and all those who are part of it, and honor it with gratitude - because it is all fully and completely yours, it is all about you and all because of you - there's nothing wrong with it either, and never was for all those years - so just see yourself being happier, and go merrily with it.

Thank you for sharing

 

I've been thinking the exact same thing. I want to live my life "in the flow" and I don't feel like i'm doing that right now. I just need to fuckin drive somewhere. Unfortunately no cash makes that a problem haha.