Boyfriend is bi, New ground for me...

As you can see from the subject line, the main topic of my question centers around the fact that my boyfriend is bisexual. Sorry this is such a long post, but I want to be sure every detail gets addressed, because I'm not sure what may or may not be pertinent.

Let me begin by giving the facts I know of the situation:

-I'm a [mostly] straight girl (about a 1 on the kinsey scale), and after about three months of dating my boyfriend revealed to me that he is bisexual. He's a very "manly" man- loves sports, drinking, hanging out with his [straight] boys, etc. Because of these things I was a bit surprised at first, but also intrigued. It was cool to find out that this guy I cared so much about had even more to him than I originally though. I know that people come in all types, so I guess I shouldn't have ruled him liking men out as a possibility. And I'm not going to lie, the idea kind of turned me on. And I told him that.

-Though I realize sexuality can't be put into strict categories, from what I can tell (and things he's told me) he likes small, effeminate guys, but would rather be the "bottom" in the situation. He loves giving oral to guys, and of course likes receiving it as well.

-We've always been a pretty "sexually open" couple. The first time we slept together was a threesome with another girl, and we've hooked up with a couple other girls together since then. I've told him that if he wants to bring a guy into the bedroom to have fun with us instead, I would have no problem with it, in fact I think it would be fun. We've talked about going to a gay club in a nearby town and picking up a guy together.

-He's not "out" to hardly any of his friends or family. In fact, he doesn't want anyone to know. The only people who know about his bisexuality are his bi sister, one of our bi female friends, and me. He's mentioned before that coming out is not even an option for him, he doesn't want to at all. He's told me in the past, "you know I'd never leave you for a guy, right?". I think he was trying to confirm with me that he plans for it to always be a very secret thing.

-He used to be a pretty big "man-whore" with girls. That is, before I came along. He's not a cheater, we've been together for eight months now and we've never had any issues with him and other girls. But I do know that he has slept with many, many, many girls. Wouldn't really be surprised if he was close to triple digits, and he's only 23. It's not something he's very proud of or likes to talk about much with me, though we have discussed it. It's a fact that I've come to terms with as I've grown to trust him and love him for who he is, not what he's done in the past.

-He hasn't had a whole lot of experience with guys. He messed around with a guy one time while he was in the military but I believed it only involved oral sex. That's the only experience with guys that I know of for sure and I'm fairly certain it's the only one.

-He's very into transexuals. The "chicks with dicks" sort. From what I can tell from our internet history (which he doesn't try very hard to hide) transexual porn is pretty much all he watches, with a little gay porn mixed in there and, very rarely, straight porn.

Now down to the question(s):
I recently discovered that he's been looking online to find a local guy to hookup with. As in posting ads, chatting with guys, down to getting a guy's phone number and now texting him about when they're going to meet up (his available hours being only while I'm at work, by the way). He wants it to be a "no strings attached" thing. He doesn't know that I know this, and I have told him in the past that I would consider it cheating if he hooked up with a guy on his own.
This baffles me because of how supportive I've tried to be about his sexuality. Even offering to bring a guy into our bedroom and basically watching him get banged by him.

I also often wonder if he really prefers guys and, while he's still turned on by girls, is only dating me because it's more socially acceptable for him to be with a girl. I wonder if he's just lying to himself about not ever wanting to date or be emotionally involved with a guy. And I don't want him to be unhappy.
Some other thoughts going through my head include: Will this stop at a one time thing, and therein, should I let him just get it out of his system? Or will he continue this because he craves sex with guys so much? Maybe I should just allow him to go through with it and hope he just needs to satisfy his curiousity since he's never really hooked up with a guy before. And if that's the case, I really don't have a problem with it. Like I said, we're pretty open.

I realize no one else can know what's going on in his head, especially not strangers. But I'm looking for some input from some people who understand this "whole new world" better than I do. And I can't exactly go to a friend because, like I said, no one knows about this. Any responses would be appreciated :] Thanks in advance.

 

You are right. No one, including you can see inside his head. The only thing we can do is produce an educated guess, or two for that matter.

You must have been prying into his stuff in order to 'discover' that he has been trying to hook up with another guy. Let's face it; you have been expecting that he will be 'cheating on you' either because of his 'manwhore past' or because he is 'bi' or both. Your radar has been on, and you spotted the possible infidelity on the screen.

Male2Male sex is a complex issue. From your point of view, you have been 'supportive' of his bisexuality by giving him a chance to take another man into your common bedroom, so that you can 'watch your bf being banged by this other man'. This may NOT be what he wants. This may be YOUR idea of having fun, and not HIS. I have met quite a few men, who would never allow any females to take part or even watch their Male2Male play. Even more so, if they are planning to bottom for other men. Some men view this as an exclusively male domain, and would never allow any female presence there. After all, you gave him a chance, and he chose to go on his own. This speaks volumes.

There is no way for anyone, save for your BF to know, if he really prefers guys, and if he is only dating you for the sake of social convenience. If you are developing that feeling, there may be something to it. It is however, up to you, to decide, if you want to take the risk, and spend your time, emotions and energy on an admittedly great guy, who after all, may be into you, for the sake of social graces only?

It is somehow pretty hard to believe that a otherwise a very sexually active guy, who may have had hundred(s) of partners in the past, limited his male2male experience to that one-time-oral while in the services? Hardly any man with such a massive hetero scoreboard would concede to being 'bi' or even vaguely interested in guys, just because he experimented with his army buddy, once upon a time, on that ONE occasion. This sounds rather improbable. He either has a more impressive m2m track record than you know, or he wants to work on it now. It makes very little sense for him to come out to you (and his bi-sister) for the sake of that one past, odd encounter in the confines of the military environment and/or for the sake of a onetime try that he is now planning to go through with? More likely than not, he is laying ground to establishing a relationship that would allow him to enjoy his bi-side quietly, while not really cheating, since you have been told about it already.

My advice:
#1 Do not go thru his stuff. Ever.
#2 Stay with him, if you are prepared to tolerate his private 'bi-side' on HIS and not on YOUR terms, and take the risk that he may leave you for a man he falls for, just as much as he (or any other str8 dude) may leave you for another woman he may fall for.
#3 Consider this dude to be your ideal partner, if you share the common view on 'open' relationships. Over the time, you may want to experiment on the side, too, but still stay together with this dude for a host of good and legitimate reasons. If this is the case, he is your man.
#4 Consider this dude to be too high a risk for your life planning, if you want 'a happy marriage a la 50's, loads of kids, the white picket fence, meatloaf on Sundays, and the rest that comes with it.

KD

 

Grrrrrrr

One of the reasons some "gay" clubs suck

 

Well if you have talked about it with him and you've said him hooking up with another guy without you there would be considered cheating I think you should stick to that. My advice is to confront him about it, becuase regardless of gender cheating is cheating especially if you've made it as explicit as it sounds.

 

I get the feeling he is with you because, as you say it is “socially acceptable"

His age is 23 so he is still working himself out, he could be completely gay by 25 or 50 or never, it is so hard to say.

I think continue as you are and if he loses interest in you sex wise, well I guess that is a definite sign.