I have two firends who have been seeing each other for about three years now. I was friends with both of them long before they ever hooked up and both are important to me as seperate friends. So, not long after they hooked up, he started being, well, an asshole to her. He became jealous and controlling of her. As the years went on, it got progressively worse. At this point, she is not allowed to be with any one of her friends without himself being there, and when he is there, he ALWAYS pulls her aside to yell at her. Me and my friends have been friends with himn for nearly 20 years. If he were any one else he'd be dead in a ditch by now. And a few of us have taken to being violent with him, but it changes nothing. Nor do interventions work, because he is WAY too stubborn to listen to anything anyone says. We tell her how it is, but she loves him too much to stand up to him. And he manipulates her into thinking it's her fault that he gets mad. Here are some examples of what he does. One day we're drinking at a bar, and our friend Carl is feeling a little drunk and decides he wants to take a walk. As he's leaving, she sees him and decides to accompany him. This is a man who has been a loyal friend to both members of the couple for countless years. As soon as the boyfriend hears of this, he storms off to look for them, finds them walking down the street, screams at them and gives them the finger, walks away (and of course she runs after him) and we don't see them for the rest of the night. Next day she comes and apologizes to us because he has convinced her that SHE was wrong, that SHE was being unreasonable, and that SHE embarrased everyone. She likes to go dancing and he doesn't. He tells her she CAN'T go. But she wants to go anyway, and with some convincing from her girlfriends she is eventually ALLOWED to go. So, he lets her go and yells at her when she gets back. This happened upwards of 10 times. So after a while he wants to go with her. So he stands there like a lump on the dance floor when she's trying to dance with him. After a while she gets bored and goes to dance with her girlfriends, at which point he drags her off the dance floor and yells at her. They might return in a fwe minutes, but then it all happens again. Without making this much longer, he is emotionally abusive to her, and I can't stand it. Everything wrong in their relatinoship is his fault, and he truly doesn't think it is. But he's wrong. Now, I have a pretty good idea of what's going on in both their heads, what I'm wondering from you people is how would you approach this situation. I've told her that I don't want to see them together, and since she's not allowed to see me without him being there, I never get to see my friends at all anymore. And they just won't break up. I'll never tell them to break-up, but I really hope they do. It drives me and all our other friends crazy. What can I do.
Other than being support for your friend when she (hopefully) realizes she's being manipulated, there's not much you can do. Now, if things should take an even worse turn (like he's beating her or something) then by all means call the cops - but the cops don't do much for "emotional abuse"... unfortunately, it's something that's hard to prove. You say you've told her you don't want to see them together - have you plainly laid out that she's being manipulated? Have you told her exactly what you see happening? Sometimes we're so close to a situation that we just don't see it for what it is. But should your friend come to her sense and leave this man, be there for her... not as an "I told you so" but as a shoulder and support system.
See tham and when there is the situation again that he takes her beside and shout at her, ask him why he does that, talk to him and show him and her what a dumbass he is.
Tough situation. I had a good friend who was in an unhealthy relationship like that, poor thing was more like a hostage than a partner in a relationship. When the abusive turned physical, she still stayed. Just try and be there for her. Hopefully, she will see when she is ready, that she is in a toxic relationship and get out of it. Sending good thoughts and lots of love........
I totally would, but he has this uncanny ability to justify everything to himself. And once he's decided he's right, he would sooner die than believe he's wrong. I'm only talking about it because it's becoming such an intrusion on my life. The other night he called my house at 3 in the morning looking for her. And when he found her he yelled for 2 seconds then hung up. See, at that point suddenly their relationship is my problem, because he's calling in the wee hours of the night, waking my family up, getting them pissed at me, when he knows better than that. His justification was that he didn't know if she was in a car accident or something. If he actually had thought about it, he would ahve figured out that she was just hanging around to avoid the inevitable. If she's gonna get yelled at anyway, she may as well have as much fun as she can beforehand. Anyway, I let him know that pulling shit like that is not cool. But his behaviour doesn't improve. I think he's losing it mentally. My girlfriend is steaming mad at him. She bitched him out good and now they don't talk to each other. That's not what I want. But I'm considering that maybe he's not the kind of person I actually want to associate myself with. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had hit her just then. And that's basically what my friends are waiting for. For her to come over with a black eye so they can completely ostricize him. It's just sad that it has to be that way.....that I have to be so powerless to help my friend when such a blatant injustice is occuring.
I can relate to this a lot... Not that long ago I was going out with a controle freak. He would be jealous when i go out with my friends and go to concerts and stuff without him. He was an asswhole to say the least. Last summer I was at Ozzfest with him and i was dancing and having fun. It was very very hot and i just got over being sick so i was hot and wearing a tank top. He kept telling me to put my zip up shirt on and stop dancing, he said it was drawing attention. So like an idiot i listend and just sat there with him. He ruined the whole concert for me. He was an asswhole always yelling at me telling me how I needed to grow up and I am 16 and he is 19 not a big age difference, but he acted older and tougher then he really was. He would ignore me sometimes when I came over and when I'de try to kiss him while he was playing his games he'd push me away and tell me to stop. And when I'de cry he'd roll his eyes and tell me to stop and would get pissed. We'd fight over everything he'd take a little situation and blow it out of perportion I couldn't even hangout with my other guy friends. He would scrutinize what I wore and how I dressed and the way I acted, ( I was a little bit more fun and crazier then him). All in all he made me feel like shit i wasted 6 months with an asswhole.... Bottom line you need to tell her how you feel really convince her she can do better but no matter what she will, probably think that he is wonderful, and she loves him. I thought like this to. Sooner or later with your influence and that of others she will realize he is not worth her time. And if she doesn't I pray for her. Really try to help her see what a "good guy" is and then she will realize she is with a jerk and can do better and SHOULD do better.
well I know how it feels to be too scare to break up with a guy cuz hes controlling. When I was with my ex he was a super control freak and he had a major anger control problem. He was too stubborn to go get help and he So what i did was Me and a few of my close friends gave him a dose of his own medicine. I wouldnt let him do shit I would tell him what to do and after about a month of doing so he became fed up and asked me to stop being so controlling and abusive. I told him these exact words " well hunny now you know what it was like for me to be in this god forsaken relationship but now it's over." And as soon as he relized how he has been treating me he broke down cried and went and found help and now he has a child on the way and he treats his girlfriend with the utmost respect and yeah.
