I don't even know where to start. Last summer my mom abruptly left my dad after 23 years of seemingly happy marriage. My dad was shocked with the news - they hardly argued or anything. I still lived with both of my parents at the time -- so one day she was there and it was a normal family, and the next -- it was all a nightmare. After my mom left, for some reason she never really made a huge attempt to speak with me (we never had the BEST relationship, but we didn't hate each other), and it's probably my fault mostly -- wow..now I'm going to start crying. I kind of gave her the cold shoulder when she left. Over the year, though, she hasn't attempted to call me; she hasn't attempted to see me. She did send me a card for my birthday and a small Christmas gift, but I only figured she felt obligated. About 6 months ago, my dad moved and got a new house. When that happened, because he did it with hardly any notice, I felt completely abandoned by my parents and put up my guard with them both. We didn't talk much for a while, but I'm slowly opening myself back up because he didn't do anything wrong. He loves me and tells me and tries to do things with me but I can't seem to let my guard down and really converse or spend time with him. I've been staying here because I really had no reason to go -- the bills were all paid off for a while and I could live for free (not for too much longer, though). My grandparents live next door and have helped me extensively. I honestly haven't a clue what I'd do without them. Everyone has their crutch, whether it be cigarettes, alcohol, narcotics, etc. I can happily live without all of those, but my grandparents are my only crutch - I get by because of them. They are the closest family I have and I love nobody like I love them - nobody even comes close. I've mostly been fine. I've been upset a couple times over the past year, but that's normal. I kind of ignored the entire situation and blew past it and I think that's coming back to get me. I never really had closure. The past few nights I haven't been able to sleep, and when I finally fell asleep, it's because I cried myself to the point. I'm constantly thinking about the entire situation. During the day it'll just hit me that my parents that I grew up with seeing so happy don't even speak to each other. Essentially throughout the day, I constantly remember I have no family -- and as a kid, I was so happy to be one of the few kids with both their parents. The entire separation thing has started to get to me, and atop of that, I can't stop worrying about my grandparents. They're are in their mid-70's, and I can't accept that one day they will be gone. There isn't a day where I don't think about there imminent death - and it fucking kills me everyday. I can't stop thinking about it when I go to bed, when I'm working, when I'm driving. And to add to it all -- the job/money situation sucks. I don't know what to do.
My "personal" life - or lack there of - is in the shitter to. Every girl that has interest in me, I push away. I've become almost -- scared of sex -- which if you knew me a year ago -- I was the complete opposite. Since all the stuff with my mom went down, I've had 0 relationships and I haven't had sex. I have a date tomorrow night, and I really like the girl. I'd love the idea of someone there as a companion - but being in a relationship scares me, and letting myself get that close to someone intimately again just -- it frightens me. And nobody knows any of this. I'm really good at keeping everything stored inside. My grandparents and dad pretty much think I'm happy as hell, which I do have fun and am a happy person, I just have this underlying depression eating at me. Another thing is, I don't remember the last time I told my grandfather I loved him or even the last time we touched each other - let alone a hug. None of the males in our family have been the way. If I told him that or hugged him I know he'd love it, but -- I'm still scared or nervous about doing it for some reason because that's something I really want him to know. I'm all fucked up.
Yeah, I know it's life, and when I look at the bigger picture -- how short life is, how big the universe is and how unimportant and meniscal things are, I actually feel privileged. It's when I look at the smaller picture that I realize I have these things I have to deal with and I become depressed. And the problem is, I don't know which picture I should be looking at. Life should be equipped with picture in picture.
That kind of depression sounds pretty healthy. You're not cutting up your arms, burning your skin or tying the last knot in the noose to hang yourself in your bedroom closet so.... you're good.
Wow. Your parents got divorced when you were 21, and you're crying yourself to sleep? Get over it already. wtf. There are people with real problems in this world, just be grateful you're not one of them.
