The Sacred Herb: Maybe a break down is actually a break through

The past month or so i've been having really wierd experiences while toking. I have been just sitting there thinking and exploring deeper and deeper into my mind. I've found alot of very negative things in there and alot of negative things out in the real world too. I've been kind of in and out of a depression state of mind and I've known that something was going to happen if I didn't change the way I have been going about my life.

Last night I had a Halloween party. My parents were home the entire time. They know i smoke and are cool with it and they were cool with me having a party in the garage as long as things didn't get out of hand. Now, this is the first real party i have had. I'm not a very social person. I've had small parties before and those have gone fine because they were small and I knew everyone there. This party though, it was different. I think we may have had some laced shit which partly explains the way i felt, but even so, it was crazy. I had the Door's playing and there were a bunch of people there that I didn't know and it really started freaking me out. I got to the point were I wanted them to just get the fuck out of my house. I wanted to crash my own party. And when they wanted to toke some more and were looking for my bowl, I said I didn't know where it was even though I knew that it was in my pocket.

It got pretty bad for me. Overall, the party was a success. Everyone had a great time. I kept myself calm for the most part but I was freaking out in my own little world. I finally stepped back and just stood to the side, away from everything for a while and that kind of helped. Then I got the brillant idea to put on some Pink Floyd so I grabbed Dark Side of the Moon. Floyd saved my ass last night. I put it on and everyone started mellowing out and calming down and I did too. Then some of the people I didn't know left and I was calm again. Us and Them ended up making my friend nautious though and she threw-up so I put some Dead on. But it was a crazy night.

I was really freaked out by the whole thing this morning but after talking to a good friend of mine, I think I have figured things out a bit. I think last night was what I have been waiting for. All these images and thoughts and ideas that i have had lately, they all finally got to me last night. I had orignally started toking as a mean to expand myself; to be more open and more free with myself. Lately though, I have just been abusing it. I've taken it too far and deep down, I knew it. I knew that it was doing me no good anymore and that if I continued using herb the way I was, nothing good would come of it.

I am done toking for a while now. The Sacred Herb has done it's job. She has opened me up to a whole other world. She has helped me to be more honest with myself and others. She has let me see the world through someone elses eyes and it was beautiful. But now it is over. She has taught me all she can for now and so it's time to stop. Simple as that.

I may have broken down, but I think I also broke through.

 

i remember when i had a party when i was 16 we played records and watched skinamax movies and laughed ahhh, great times

 

Seek out the negativity within yourself, as you can then figure out how to fix it...

 

haha, you made me look like such a tard by posting something worth reading under my post

 

So easy, yet still entertaining!

 

haha, yeah I pretty much set myself up for it

 

Keeps things entertaining.

 

im in that depression right now

maybe this is what will happen to me next, hmm

hope so, then i could clean up and go army or CDL training or to a loacl plant i know of thats actually hiring,, unlike the rest of them


good luck and keep doing what you feel is right

dont end up like me,
plan far ahead, not just in the immediate future

this is where i failed miserably

 

I think what you are saying is very wise, dreamergirl.

 

Yes, A Breakdown Is A Break Through!!!!!

 

I think you're definitely right about a breakdown being a break through. The things I've gotten the most out of have always been accompanied by lows. But everytime you get through it it's always so much brighter after. Good luck in your searching!

 

Dreamergirl, what if it's just the beginning. i dont mean to be negative, but what if quitting pot is just as detremental??? I used to smoke alot, and i quit too. i used it for the same reasons as you and got as far into my brain as you, and then i realised that negativity more and got depressed and quit, but 2 years later and im still trying to pick up the pieces. we have to ask ourselves, is it the pot. i will never know that if i had never touched it i would be untouched. but i am, and it's hard to get out of it. i always think that after time i'll be able to toke again - cos i miss it - but every time i experiment i freeze again, and without it a battle ground in my mind is always there.
so what if quitting doesn't help, what if it makes it worse? What if you keep going with pot until it gets good again? I dunno...i just see so many people fall apart from pot, and then i wake up and see that so many people who dont smoke it are fallen apart too. it is negative to be negative.

 

first off: this is so true. i see this everyday. the people i go to school with some of them can flourish in their mind, while others are completely destroying themselves, going too far too fast.
secondly:negativity is the real issue here. you have to make a change in your mind. how do i know? because i am this way. i'm not going to give you advice like "you should stop being negative" like, the advice people give me. because it is NOT that easy. it is a VERY long intricate process. its reprogramming your thought processes. the best advice i have received about this was on these forums, and that was almost 5 years ago. i posted something similiar and i got a response from a someone very harshly and bluntly telling me this: "it is obvious that your body is telling you to stop" etc. he/she also went on to say that instead of spending my time doing that, i should be reading, doing my homework, learning things about the world. i suppose you can do those things while high, but ... you seem to have negative thoughts while you're high. What did I do? I stopped smoking pot with those people that made me think/feel
negativity. I was with the wrong people among other things. I stopped smoking by myself. I started doing things for myself. and I realized that there is a lot more to life than drugs. You will find somthing you are passionate about, hopefully, and as for drugs... maybe later on in your life you will be able to come back to them?

 

i think that that is a very smart look at things... i actually already realise all this stuff as we all really do, maybe the essence of it is denial...and we wouldn't go through this stuff if there wasn't something we got out of it. but i truly dont want to waste this life and sometimes your own expectations can be your worst nightmare. I think the best thing to do is do everything, read and learn and walk and talk and everything...i can deal with the everyday part, but it's when you get thrown into a whirlpool all of a sudden and are taken out of control, and you fuck up everything by treating people bad, or letting your mouth say too much..."reprogramming your thought processs" yes it is a very long road, for me atleast, but i definitely want to reach that goal so i can get to the next step.

 

I deffinitly agree. I have been so much happier and freer feeling since that night! I ended up smoking again a week or so later, but it's so much better! Things are so bright all the time now. I have been very optimistic lately and I've been feeling little or no need to fit in with my peers which is one of the things i have been trying to achieve.

Yea, I see what you are saying. I thought about that for a while when I first diceded I was going to stop and I know that if I did quit, it would be hard/ackward to start again or even be around it. I smoked again though about a week after my party and it was so much better. I felt such a loose, comfortable, free feeling when I was stoned and none of the negativity I had felt like before. I don't know if it was smart of me to start again so soon or not, but I know I have more of a control on it now.


I deffinitly know now that my breakdown was a break through. Since my party, I've been so much freer feeling and I'm so much more comfortable with myself. I dunno.. I'm just glad it happened. I don't worry anymore.

 

perhaps it was even someone elses energy rubbing off on you, cos we humans do have powerful effects on each other

 

especially when on drugs...
its like we are all connected

 

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how long did it take you to type that sentence?

when im in the "life is meaningless" frame of mind,i tell my myself that thats a meaning in its self ,go find a meaning.seems like all pot heds question there existance, i just hate it when they moan about how there lives are so shit and dont have a clue why (im refuring to a few of my mates,no one here).

 

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