I have Social Anxiety- Very long thread of my history but please read

As a child, I was very talkative. Never a shy child. But I was kind of the trouble maker. I was the kid who would talk during class and get in trouble. I was also a bully to all the kids. I had no friends and the teachers hated me. I was made fun of and never had a friend from 1yrs old up to 6th grade because I was purposely weird and wanted to get attention. Then 6th grade hit. I was the complete opposite. I never talked much and seemed all sweet and innocent. I was the quiet kid and never talked because I was afraid that I'd offend people and I was at the age where I finally wanted to make friends. I really did not have even one person who liked me aside from my family. But still, no one wanted to be my friend because they remembered me from the previous years.

When Junior High hit, it was 1995. The movie Clueless just came out. I was in 7th grade and I wanted to be pretty and popular like the girls in the movie (lol). I was attractive so my parents put me in modeling. I posed for many catalogs/magazines and did fashion shows on the weekends. I was a good kid, wasn't so shy anymore but still did not have a single kid in school who liked me because of whatever reason. I was made fun of daily and I had weird rumors about me going around school. I was also open about my religious beliefs as a practicing Wiccan at 11 yrs old. All the kids thought I was some devil worshiper. People were afraid to talk to me. I never had a boyfriend or any friend EVER!!

Now, 9th grade started. I decided to move in with my dad since i was treated poorly at my previous school. I WAS IN 9TH GRADE AND STILL, NEVER IN MY LIFE MADE ONE FRIEND. I was lonely and miserable. But 9th grade started. It was 1999 and I felt that I had a fresh start. I could actually make friends. At this point, I still was never shy. I was comfortable with myself. I had no fears of people or social anxiety. I never feared that I'd be disliked but I really don't think there would be any reason to dislike me. I'm not a bitch, I'm not stuck up, I'm laid back, funny, original, smart (but not too smart) and carefree. I just wanted to make friends. I was excited on my first day in school when all the kids wanted to be my friend. All the cool kids, all the nerdy kids, the stoners, the hippies, the preps, the goths (yes the school was separated by groups) everyone wanted to be my friend. I was happy. Everyone was so nice to me. I couldn't believe I actually had friends now. Plus all the boys had crushes on me. That felt nice. But I was sort of the floater. I'd float around from group to group and never labeled myself as anything. But then all of this changed after my first month at this school.

It was a school filled with stuck up, closed-minded assholes. Even the goths and hippies were closed-minded. When I first entered that school in the middle of the year, I took all my basic classes. English, Math, Science and History. I was also in theatre and got to take one other class. I wanted to take spanish but that class was filled. Every class was filled so they stuck me into the "Resource Room" until they could put me into a class. The resource room was a class for the kids with learning disabilities and autistic children. I didn't have a learning disability. I mostly got A's and B's throughout school and I was very good at English and writing. They just didn't have a class available for me yet. But to all the kids in the resource room, I was very intriguing to them. They all wanted to be my friend and hang out with me. They'd follow me around school and thought I was the coolest thing ever. I was nice to them. I didn't see anything wrong with them, since there isn't anything wrong with them. They were nice people. But then all the students I thought were my friends, told me not to talk to them anymore because they're all losers. I didn't listen to them. I'll talk to whoever I want. The guidance counselor quickly pulled me out of the resource room after 2 weeks and i got put into a home economics class. A class where I got to cook food and eat it. Can't complain about that. But for some reason, out of nowhere, all the kids ganged up on me, called me a loser and told me they didn't want to be my friend anymore. All kids from all groups didn't like me. Within 30 days of my move, I went from having 20 friends to 0 friends and i got made fun of by these people all over again. I was told that I was annoying, boring and just a total loser. Even my COUSIN (who wasn't even in my grade) wouldn't let me sit with her on the bus anymore because she didn't want people to make fun of her for talking to me. So for the rest of 9th grade, I had no friends. i was made fun of every day for no reason and I'd eat lunch alone every day.

10th and 11th grade were good for me though. I became friends with this one girl who really just didn't care. Her name was Tara and her and I were inseparable. Everyone hated me but Tara was always by my side. She was one grade below me but we were best friends and my only friend. The one true friend I really ever had. But she started dating my step brother. I didn't care. I told her to go for it. He was an asshole though. He dated her for a week then broke up with her. He was her first boyfriend so she was heartbroken when he broke up with her. Then that little asshole lied to her telling her that I talked him into dating her and that I talked him into breaking up with her. None of this was true. I just stayed out of it. I could care less. But she believed him and wrote him a mean e-mail about me. My step brother forwarded that to my dad and she was no longer allowed to associate with me. Her and I made up but she wasn't allowed at my house anymore. She was my only friend that I lost when my parents put me in home schooling. Her and I grew apart and i was homeschooled my senior year in HS before graduating in 2002.

That fall, I started college. That's when I believe my social anxiety started. I took the classes and did great but never made friends. I didn't have any friends and no one ever tried coming up to me to talk either. Everyone kinda kept to themselves anyway. I'd just drive to class then drive home. Didn't know anyone there and never went to any school socials or anything. I did have a job but wasn't really liked by my co-workers or boss. I was a good worker but my boss hated me because I was too nice and I didn't bullshit with her like she wanted. She was a total bitch to me. She yelled at me all day (I was a housekeeper btw) and I just never bitched back because she's the boss.The one time I did tell her to fuck off, she laughed and gave me a hug. She was waiting for me to be mean back. she was nice to everyone but mean to me. All my other co-workers were bitches too. Except one girl I became friends with. But I was the quiet type around her. I just felt socially anxious around people.

But I soon developed a group of friends on my own. None of them I worked with and none of them I went to school with. Just a group of people with different backgrounds. Most of them were my age and a little older. We would all go to the same house every night and drink and smoke. I felt like I finally had real friends. I was 20 at the time and ended up dating some guy from the group. He was an asshole. He wanted to be in some open relationship but he wanted me to stay faithful while he hooks up with chicks. I said I wasn't comfortable with that. He broke up with me and somehow convinced everyone in the group that I was a slut, a liar, manipulative and self centered. Which I'm none of those things. I lost all those friends, don't know why. But it got so bad. All these people were between the ages of 18-30 and would gossip about me and make others dislike me. It got bad to the point where I was no longer allowed at anyone's house. I spent every night and every weekend alone. Again, I had 0 friends. Plus I went through a series of jobs and was treated poorly by all my co-workers. Mostly because of my social anxiety. I'm now just socially awkward. Its like I'm afraid to be myself around people and sometimes in small groups, I become a total mute. I could go hours without talking because I'm afraid that people won't like me. I don't even take the time to get to know anyone anymore because I'm afraid that sooner or later that person will stab me in the back like 98% of my past friends have done. I've never even tried too hard to make friends. Its not like I stress to make people like me. Before my social anxiety, I would just be myself and had no problem striking a conversation with strangers and acquaintances. It seems like people don't like my personality so now I don't show any of my personality.

I do have a boyfriend now. A great guy who understands me. He loves my personality and can't imagine anyone not liking me. He is the only person I can be myself around. We've been together for 3 years and he doesn't judge me and loves me for who I am. But everyone else I've met in my life: classmates, co-workers, acquaintances, dislike me for some unknown reason. Before it was just high school bullshit but now people don't like me and take advantage of me because I just lack communication skills. Now I am not anti-social. I actually enjoy being with large groups of people, going to parties and I don't have any stage fright either. I can perform on stage in a play as the lead role in front of a thousand people even. But if I'm with a small group of people or meeting people on a personal level, I am all nervous because I fear they won't like me. And they don't. They will tell me or someone else that they don't like me because I'm some sort of wallflower. People don't think I look nervous though. People will see me and assume I'm very bored and I look angry when really I'm having a good time. I always look sad and unapproachable. This also affects work too. Right now I have a work at home job because I don't ever get hired for real jobs. I'm horrible at interviews because I can't communicate with the employer. I even have manager experience and I'm actually a good leader when I need to be. I've been hired for other jobs in the past for manager positions but since I remain quiet on the first day of work and seem shy, my boss would quickly assume I don't have manager skills and deploy me as a crew member and hire someone else. It affects my work and social life.

I want to get treated but don't have insurance and it scares me to take medication for anxiety. I was prescribed Paxil, years ago but had to stop taking it. It made me paranoid. I thought I heard noises in my house and I kept thinking that people were breaking into my house. I was also prescribed Xanax in the past. I didn't know much about Xanax back then. But I started taking it and it turned me into some zombie. I felt that people were judging me more because I felt like I was a zombie to everyone. So I would lock myself in a room and not talk to anyone. I felt like it made the problem worse. It didn't even give me a high either. I was on it for six months then quit cold turkey. Luckily I didn't go through withdraw at all (I didn't know much about withdraw at the time) and I felt a lot better after I quit taking the drug.

I'm not looking for advice, I just wanted to talk about my story and why I gained a social phobia. This drives me crazy though and I need to find a doctor. I feel like its taking away my life. Sorry such a long little autobiography but thanks for reading.

 

:grouphug:

 

Thanks that made me feel better.=)

 

I am quiet type too and some people talk behind my back like that I am weird and other ugly stuff.

 

Long term isolation will create social anxiety most often, the key is to ease back into the social world very gradually. Talking online is a start. Go places with your boyfriend where therll be other people. Tell him about your social anxiety issues if you haven't already-he can help "protect" you as you step out of your comfort zone. Perhaps talk to a counsellor an hour a week-this would be especially good as theres no pressure to be cool or whatever, they'd just be there to help and they'd get it. They could also help you out

You weren't given the best exposure into a healthy social environment as a child so you'll have to do that groundwork now. Be easy on yourself, don't pile on the pressure. You are just what you are. You don't have to perform for people. If someone doesn't get you, move on. Difficult to do, I know

:grouphug:

 

Oh right. Sorry. Sounded like you could use some

 

I'll bet I would like you. *shrug*

 

I have the same thing. I get all nervous, ill sweat and its hard to get words out of my mouth. I keep looking around thinking that people are looking at me judging me. In some cases ill get real shaky. Its pretty hard to fake confidence, thats for sure.

 

Im similar. Im quite shy in groups and i dont talk much cause i always feel like what im going to say someone will think is stupid or they just wont get it. So i solved that problem by keeping my mouth shut. BUT, thats only in the beginning of me meeting someone. Once i get to know them and like them im confident in saying watevr i want. I have a group of friends that i get along with just fine. But the one person i can only really tell anything to is my bestfriend that ive had since i was 11.

 

I agree with atla23.
It is difficult to fake.
But ya kno, I just started college and im taking a psy class for "personal effectiveness" and its really helping me.

 

i have social anxiety too, i used to be bothered by it but now i've noticed that the people that i am social with and i feel comfortable around are good enough, there's quite a few but i know how you feel... now it's more or less that i like to chose who i am social with (or i just have gotten myself to think this so i don't get anxious)

 

I sorta have general anxiety, not really social anxiety. I've been quite comfortable around all types of people since around 9th grade. But I still have the tendency to alienate others with my eccentric yet rounded personality.

I could think myself to the grave analyzing the dynamic between me and everyone else, it gets annoying sometimes and is very futile. I just figure that people like an individualistic personality right up until they discover that that individual stays an individual after becoming friends. I get frustrated when people aren't more like me so I imagine that others do too. Basically you're attractive at first because you're an individual but then you're rejected because you're an individual.

forgive my judgmentalism and maybe this is obvious but I honestly think that many people shape their self-image according to the personalities of others, including interests and morals. when they discover someone who doesn't use social proof and reinforcement for their self-constitution it can be a threat to their own.