I need to be stoned to take my drug test...

Here's an ironic story. I have horribly social anxiety. This is one of the reasons I started smoking. Getting high regularly keeps me in a much calmer state of mind and relaxes my nerves.

For the last month and a half I've been looking for a job. I've only smoked one time between this period and that was about 8 days ago. I'm supposed to take a drug test for an overnight job at Kohl's. I'm 99% certain I'll pass because I have very little body fat and a very fast metabolism and only smoked one small bowl. I went to the test today and absolutely could not pee under the pressure. Something about dead silence in the bathroom and hearing the phlibotomist shuffling papers getting ready for me to come out just tensed me up. My nerves were going nuts even though I'm not worried about failing. What a shitty irony. If I was stoned I would have been able to pee with no problem but of course I would fail the test. It begs the question WHY this shit needs to be done. Weed does such an amazing job of helping me relax, is it really that important that that be taken away for a job where I'm opening and sorting boxes?

I've been thinking about slamming a few beers first next time I try to take it to help me relax but I'm worried they'd be able to detect all the alcohol in my urine and fail me.

Anyone else have this problem?

 

I heard of a thing called the wizinator. its like a fake willy with a bladder to hold pee and a heating system to keep it warm so you dont fail. i mean you could just put your own piss in the bladder thing and use it. but, i dont know even how you could get one of those. just dont pee for a while before the drug test so you need to really badly later

 

easy solution, if you smoke RIGHT before a drug test, your next urine sample wont come back positive. if youve already got a bladder full, your body wont be circulating your piss anywhere there will be THC. you could litteraly be smoking as you pissed and still pass.

If you think thats too risky dont do it, but ive passed wizz quiz's right after smoking.. good luck!

 

man just dont piss for like the four hours before hand and drink a fuck ton of liquids

come on. social anxiety is one thing, but doing something that stupid (although would be funny as hell later) is just plain dumb. make it so you are pretty much dying to pee when you get there

 

Drink lots of water - You will pee without a problem. If you did have a couple of beers and it came up on a drug test you could always say that you had a couple the night before.. Thats not a crime

 

you should probably use fake urine if your pussy is broke

 

Maybe you need to get some balls...

 

stoned away, sd52bad, gentlemen, thanks for the support. You both remind me how beautiful the world can be. : )

The fact is, my problem is deeply subconscious, I had a bunch of fucked up experiences when I was about 15 which have rewired my brain to become tense around people. It's a cognitive evolution gone wrong. If I grew giant basketball sized balls, like sd52bad has, I still wouldn't be able to piss, but I would make retarded arrogant replies to people who have a problem I'm fortunate enough not to have.

To everyone else, I appreciate the advice. I actually drank a lot of water before my test, it doesn't help. When the brain panics it tenses urinary muscles which makes peeing impossible.

The idea of smoking right before the test is actually pretty damn clever but pretty risky. I suppose I can always request a saliva test.

 

why dont you find a job that doesnt drug test?

 

That's actually what I've been looking for. I've been applying at mostly food related places. But I'm getting ready to graduate from college in a couple months. It would suck big time if I found a career I wanted to get into but couldn't because of something this absurd. I could go from cognitive behavior therapy but it's expensive as hell. They pretty much rewire your brain from the ground up.

 

Why not just order some synthetic or actual real urine from www.perfecturine.com ? QuickFix is good synthetic urine, I've used it to pass pee tests before.

 

Sorry to hear about your anxiety problems. If you can get a hold of some xanax or valium (both have anxiolytic properties) which would help calm you and help relieve your anxiety symptoms. I have bad anxiety and i was just prescribed xanax 2mg tabs and they work great. If you have these problems then talk to your primary care doc and he should be able to prescribe something for your problems. Best of luck for your new job man!!

 

what does infringing on your rights have to do with shelf stocking motherfucking blue jeans?...

im to get a job with fed x and I carry a gun and still dont get no drug test.. Im .. Is the lamer the job, having something to do with it?