Rape: The Ugly Word

::sighs:: here goes...

i was raped 5 years ago. i have been healing okay. not afraid to go outside. can talk to men...okay...when my instincts kick in though i am out of there. but i am still having a hard time sometimes. my counsler says that from people it feels invalid. i am not going to go into details about the incident...but my counsler says it stems from reactions. My husband...then boyfriend believed me and cared for me...god if it wasn't for him i probably would hate the world, my dad was there for me and sister too. my parents are divorved and i lived with my mom at the the. she didn't believe me...neither did her husband...nor my step-brother... that is a horrible thing...my mom thinks ( what my step-brother told me) that i had sex with another guy...didn't want to hurt my husband and so made up the whole thing to cover my tracks...even thepolice made me look like a slut....GOD!!!!! my own mother...

i am healing and my counsler wants me to make a list next week of different ways i can heal and get validation to try and help me.
Here is what I have so far:
-spend time with my husband
-spend time with my friends
-write
-sew
-do macrame
-bake...

any suggestions...anyone out there who knows what i am going through...people i know say they understand and they are there for me...and i dig that...but they are not in my head. they do not know how i feel. one of my best friends said i was being too sensitive with my psychology teacher. in this class recently we have been learning about the subject of child incest, date rape, and molestation. i could not stay in the room for these lectures. the vibe i got from my teacher was cold and sterile. not kind, out reaching, warm. does she not believe me? does she think that i should have "gotten over it" by now? ::sighs:: that is it...venting...

 

I really like the writing and baking/cooking suggestions... good creative things. Maybe a list of all the positive things about yourself, and about your husband (being a male and all). Some people find solace through forgiving their attacker, but it really depends on the person.

Anything that makes you feel good about yourself, but doesn't involve completely retreating from the world. I'm going through a pretty nasty depression fit, and my reaction is to hide from the world in my computer (hah, and here i am typing, yeesh). I haven't been through an assault, but I do have some wonky mental things goin on. Go out with friends. Learn a martial art (karate is quite strict, tae kwon do was the one I enjoyed when I was younger), teach yourself a new skill (weaving, spinning, etc). Take a night class at your local college/univ/whatever. Learn a new language. Write a song. Learn a song in a different language (heh, sorry we sang waaaay too much in my german classes)

 

:;smiles a little:: i've tried to forgive...but i can't...i forgave my step-mother for physical child abuse...but not him...not him...

thanks for your suggestions too...

 

Anything which makes you feel validated. A lot of survivors like to get a book of Affirmations to read one a day and put it into action.

When I started healing from the assault I experienced as a child, I found affirmations helpful. I also had a pack of cards similar to (but not as scary as) Tarot called "Inner Child Cards" and I would do these and also involve my children in the card games. They didn't know I was a survivor, as they were too young, but they liked the affirmations these cards supplied.

Courage to Heal (the book) is pretty intense, but you may want to look at it.

Blessings on your recovery. HE doesnt own you. You are your own womyn. The people who love you, and your personal feelings are more important than him and/or what he did to you. You had no control over and had no responsibility for the rape. YOU ARE IMPORTANT. You are not defined by the rape.

Heal well sister.

Blessings and love.

Maggie

 

thanks maggie

 

i just wanted to say thank you all for your support and advice. i appreciate it.

 

The second time I was raped, I was 15. It was a stranger/abduction thing. But, thankfully it wasn't brutally violent. I was traumatized, but not terribly so. I only told a few people. My boyfriend broke up with me, thinking that it was just a way of covering up infidelity, that was terrible. My other two friends were very supportive and encouraged me to seek professional help, but I refused. I didn't want the same treatment that I got from my boyfriend, the same treatment you obviously received. I've just always chalked it up to "one of those things" that can happen in this world; and it hasn't caused me any obvious, outward harm. I'm very grateful for that.

I know that you have to change your focus. Don't let the event rule your life. It was a terrible thing that happened, like a really devastatingly bad car accident, or a terrible disease. But you can't stay stuck in that memory. You have to move on, move forward, stop being a victim.

What do you enjoy doing? What makes you happy? What makes you feel good? Those are the things you need to do. What did you enjoy, the day before you were raped?

Don't dwell on the negative. You can let it ruin your life, or you can put it in your past, where it belongs... Life doesn't end just because we have bad things happen to us. Life goes on. Do you want to be a participant, or a spectator?

I've found that when I begin to feel sorry for myself, it helps when I make a gratitude list. I've stopped the actual writing of them, but I still go through it, in my head. What are you grateful for? What good is there in your life? Where is your happiness?

Today, I am grateful for everything, cancer, rapes, various abuses, all of it, every bad (and good) thing that has happened to me. Pain is a great teacher. We learn valuable lessons from pain. We also learn to appreciate joy and happiness, comfort and soothing touches, love.

You must stop dwelling in the pain and see where your trauma has made you stronger, smarter and with heightened awareness. Free yourself from the bondage of victim.

You can do it!

 

you're not going to be able to forgive him you can realize that he's the sick one not you and that will make you feel a little better but to expect to be able to forgive him is placingtoo much expectation on yourself. The only thing I can say is don't spend anytime with anyone who even eludes to you that you could have done more to prevent it-the is what will set you back the most.

 

thanks guys and autumn i am sorry that happened to you. mine was not violent. just kind of traumatized me. i guess i am really lucky that my then boyfriend now husband stood by myside. one of my good friends was raped 8 months ago and her boyfriend broke up with her thinking it was infedelity... that is what my mother thought. stupid bitch. right now i am trying to concentrate on my future and goals. arts and crafts and my business mainly. i love making hemp jewelry and clothes and i know a lot of others do...right now i call it Bay-Tree designs but I am thinking of changing the name to "Healing Dreams". Tell me what you think?

 

Great Idea!

 

People can be so thick! Hello... If we had cheated on our partners, we wouldn't have said anything! We would have covered it up! Why would we make up the story about rape? That is so stupid, I've never understood where that idea comes from... Ignorance...

That sounds awesome. I would love to be able to turn something creative into a business. I think both names are cool, but for some reason I like Bay-Tree Designs, better. It sounds more like a professional design company, like you do custom work. But, Healing Dreams is cool too. It sounds more "hippy" than the other one.

 

..............Dont let it effect you........ dont bury it either.......... i did and its now coming to get me.
I say try and deal with it in an outward way.... i have a horrible feeling that i shall never trust because i was effected before hitting any form of maturity and after, in more subtle ways ........in fact i doubt quite often it even happened..... i doubt my own sanity ....... thats what you mustn't let happen.... never doubt your memory for one second... once you do you'll never be able to convince yourself again. Trust me.

 

Bay Tree Designs sounds much more professional...Maybe "healing dreams" could be a paticular product line?

BTW, I was raped 7 years ago, and you can PM me anytime if you need someone to talk to. You'll be alright, as long as you make an effort to not let that man destroy the happy future you have coming to you!

 

I know exactly what your going through. i was molested/raped at age 11 by my stepfather. It took my mother five years to actually beleive me about everything that he had done. since that incidient i was seeing a psychiatrist and going to group therapy. At 15 my very first boyfriend raped me stole my virginity and out of fear i stayed with him for 2 years. well now i am still dealing with all this mental anguish. I mean i couldn't have any kind of relationship with another person without seeing my stepfather or my ex. I would have such vivid flashbacks of either incidents each time my boyfriend would touch me that i would cry. To this day i still have horrible nightmares about each incident. But i try not to think about my past that much cuz it held nothing but pain, I try to look forward to the future and the present and just do things that make me content and happy.

 

My mom was raped and beat for 17 years often...buy many men...even before she met my dad at 16 her first love. and she burried it until 17 years later when I was about 10...I am 22 now and it has been years of mental anguish for her...she has post tramatic stress dissorder..a very horrible case, and borderline personality dissorder, depression, among other things. If anyone has been hurt ike this I highly reccomend getting whatever help you need now rather then having to deal in your 30's and 40's with a house and kids to take care of. It is no life you want to live trust me.

 

You might consider trying something your haven't tried before. I tend to start drawing, painting or singing when I start getting those horrible feelings that nothing can help with.

 

thanks guys. your the best. i never thought a support group was needed for me. but this helps. i did good today and last night...i still do not understand why after 5 years it has crept back into my mind. i guess i had it locked in my mental closet and it broke free...now i need to destroy. gosh i feel like a super hero. husband has been there for me. .. depression has set in a bit more though. one thing that i did not mention before was before i was raped my step-father was molesting me. i know i was 17...but i was scared...really scared...i never told anyone till now...now my counsler knows and thomas (husband). mom and dad do not know. sister does...i can't bare to tell my mother...she will just call me a lier...screw her...i am strong.

 

I have been date raped once, and well I guess the other one was date rape too. I lost my virginity to a guy i was fatally attracted to. I did not want to give it up, and he forced me into it. I was very upset and very sore. My bestfriend helped me get over it. Then again, same guy involved but not him (stupidy of being young and nieve), knew I was so drunk that I couldn't comprehend anything. So somehow got me out of site from my bestfriend, and got put in a closet, next thing I know when I came too, someone was on top of me. I scram, but some reason no one heard. I got him off of me, and cryed my eyes out in the closet all alone not really knowing what all happened and what to do still being very much drunk. It was not easy getting over it, I couldn't believe someone could do that much harm to someone else. Not know the emtional scares it could create. I had a hard time ever getting close to another man for a while, except for my husband, who was like no man I have ever met. Well besides my dad and brothers. It happened so long ago I don't know how I ever kept a smile on my face to hide the pain inside. But I kept occupied with friends, and making clothes. Now when I am upset, I make hemp necklaces and such, sense I still have no sewing machiene. But upset now, could never be compaired to what upset meant years ago.

 

::smiles:: that is what i do. i made a few necklaces this week. it is hard. still is. why do these assholes never get put to justice? all they do is get a slap on the wrist or get off free as a bird...

 

Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people... It's the way of the world...

But, that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger...