Advice for a secretly bi guy?

I retract my earlier statements.

 

Jay, I feel your pain, as I'm in the same siuation in a sense. The folks here are great as you know already I'm sure, and as a newcomer myself, I wish you the warmest of best wishes! Chris

 

I retract my earlier statements.

 

Absolutely! I was never turned on by women, but am wreaking with male hormone! So seeing cute guys or being attracted to men seemed sickining to me, but it justy kept popping in my mind and heart, that I was attracted to men. It's F'ed up! What do you do?

 

Hey JJR:

Welcome to the Boards... These are easy, laid-back boards and no one is likely to start kicking your guts around here... Feel comfy here.

Now that you have just turned 21, it is only logical that you are looking for some sort of a relationship, ranging from 'A Try ONS' via 'Friends w Benefits', 'Buddies' or more.

It might be a trifle too soon to put a definite label on your sexuality, and seriously stick with it. If you feel that you are basically bisexual, let that be your 'working theory', but not something that you would want to see as the final truth about yourself, and proclaim to the rest of the world at this stage.

Judging by your question, I'd say that you feel like exploring your 'gay side' at the moment. Open your mind, sharpen your senses, observe well, AND get going. Put a profile or two on some of the dating sites. Hit a few bars, clubs or even spas. Be reasonable, stay safe, AND by all means enjoy life.

All the internet boards that I am aware of, including this one, are actually language-based communication platforms. We TELL each other that we are gay, str8, bi, pan or whatever. How else would the others know, where we are coming from?

Real life is somewhat different. People will invariably assume the 'situational concept', i.e., if you are having a drink in a gay bar, all those around you will want to believe that you are a gay man. They will hit on you, and you are kinda expected to hit on them, too. That's why most people go to such places. I would pick it up from there, and see where this takes you to.

I would stop short of starting a convo with "Hi, my name is JJR, and I am 'bi'." First off, because this will sound totally dorkish. No one talks like that at such places; Second off, you are a bit too young to really tell for sure; Third off, no one really cares.

Guys who you meet online, at the bars, clubs, sport clubs, gyms, libraries, etc., know that your life history (in terms of your sexual orientation) most likely does NOT begin with them on that day. They also know that they cannot really change your past, and I guess, very few people would really have any reason to want that.

So, both of you start from the situational concept. If you met a dude in a gay spa, assume that he is gay, that he assumes that you are gay, and that no one really cares too much about your possibly complex past. (People call this 'luggage', and they really do not want too much of that.) Pick it up from there, and see where this takes you.

You are neither marrying the guy nor are you promising eternal fidelity to him nor anything at that stage. Go, one step at a time...

If and when you reach the stage of planning a common future, and if you even at that time still feel your 'bi-interest' undiminished, share that truthfully with your partner.

Keep in mind that there is a number of gay guys who are very resentful of the 'bi' men, mostly because they fear being dumped for 'a chick'. This is, of course, a patent idiocy. If a dude ain't happy with you, he'll dump you for a chick, for another dude, for a period of solitude, for a fleshjack, or an oversized dildo, and/or any combination thereof.

KD

 

I think kewldewd covered most of what I would tell you. I don't really go looking for guys so I can't help ya there. And welcome.

 

I retract my earlier statements.

 

It sounds to me like you're just very frightened of your sexuality. Have you truly not told anyone except for HFers? I think everyone needs at least one friend (a person you can see face to face) they can talk to about this kind of thing. If there's no one you can talk to about it, it will just fester inside you and make you miserable, especially from the way you appear to viewl about your own feelings.
If your parents were supportive the first time around, what makes you think they won't be the same way a second time. To be honest, your mother probably knows. Moms just tend to realize this about their sons before anyone else. I, personally, could not handle being in the closet. It's just way too much stress and anxiety. In the end it's just easier to let allow people to know who you really are.
The best way to find out if a guy is gay/bi is just to ask him. If he's secure with his own sexuality, there should be no reason for him to get angry, whether he actually is gay/bisexual or not. I wouldn't recomment making a move on him until you find out whether he would be okay with it or not. I could see that being a triggere for a straight man/closeted gay man to go off.
In the end, it's just about being honest with yourself and the people around you. If they really have a huge problem with it, then they weren't your friends to begin with. And I'm sure you family will support you no matter what. It may take some time for them to adjust, but that's to be expected.
Hope this helped some.
:cheers2:

 

I retract my earlier statements.

 

I once thought I might be BI, just because I thought guys used to turn me on. But i faught it. And I forced myself to stay straight. And to this day it was the best decision I ever made. Its only a matter of will power. Because in our society, and everyone knows this, nobody will accept you. Its just the way the world is. Religion pretty much rules all. Religion has made our laws, our wars, the way we look at things. But people don't understand religion like they think they do. Only 5-6% of the people in America have actually read and understand the bible[Including myself]

My advice to you. Fight it. I would hate to see another person to go through pain and suffering because they are different. You have to force yourself to stay straight. You have to CONFORM to be happy. At least thats the way my mind thinks.. I've had alot of shit happen to me.. Ya know?

I used to rebal and shit. But now, I conformed. Because I would tired of going through the misery and shit everyday of my life. Not to say that i'm the happiest guy in the world, but i'm happier than I was. And thats all I was shooting for. To be happy. Or maybe it was the fact that my family would have never talked to me again. Because being Bi/Gay in my family means your a outcast, That your going to hell, that your not welcome around them. Ha. But not to say that my family wouldn't still love me and all. they have done alot for me. Wouldn't ask for anyone else but them.

We are all human. We have flaws. We all sin. Because we aren't perfect. We judge one another, But we aren't supposed to. As I just did. But I mean, If life was easy, it wouldn't be worth living now would it? ;] Think about it bro.

 

I retract my earlier statements.

 

That is really the most terrible advice I've ever heard of. By saying someone needs to comform to be happy, you are basically endorsing, and condoning, the bullying and oppression that the majority or narrow-minded society inflicts on those that are different from the norm. Lots of people try to conform for that very reason, but it doesnt make them happy, not deep down. Repressing your natural drives and self just to appease others is just a recipe for inner turmoil, and depression. People like you are the last people he should be taking advice from. If his family would make him an outcast for being bi/gay, then it is them who would be in the wrong, not him. Conforming purely to make other people accept you is a terrible premise, and nobody should be made to feel that they have to do that. The only chance we have of changing the prejudice, narrow minded-ness, and bigotry in our world, is for everyone who is different to embrace who they are, instead of trying to change it, or be ashamed of it because of how the rest of society will react. Confroming to appease that narrow-minded mindset, is basically condoning, and encouraging it.

 

Interesting perspective, and personally I do not agree. He has to do his own thing, we all do, and we have to also accept others for who they are.

 

Right. We, People over the internet who he doesn't know, won't be there when people are giving him shit. Your basically saying. Ok, be yourself. If your a serial killer, go kill people. Feel free to do whatever the hell you want. Don't worry about going to prison. You'll only get gang raped. Or don't worry about getting lethal injection. It doens't hurt. Conforming is the best thing anyone can do especially in the USA. Trying to be different is asking for attention and asking for something to happen. Being different is why the world is so fucked up today. Think about it. For example, if everyone would have just followed one religion and wouldn't have created 2397497 of them. We wouldn't have wars. Or anything like that. But I mean, your one of the typical people who feed from what you see in movies and hear on music that you really think being yourself will get you far in life. Seriously, Do what everyone else does. But in a sense i'm saying, Don't do anything to cause attention to yourself. Its unhealthy and it will drive you crazy if not KILL you. Why do you think so many kids shoot up schools these days. Cause they are different and get picked on. And it hurts so much they don't want to live anymore because they think nobody cares about them. I once knew this guy who was gay in my school.. and he got HELL everywhere he went no matter what. I felt so bad for him and still do. Do this. Just as I did. Force yourself to conform. And force yourself to like it. Can't go wrong there. I did. And i'm happy with my sexual preference.

 

Not everyone is going to accept you for who you are. The only thing you can really do is blend in and force yourself to like it. We all know this is a gay ass fucking country and we always think we are right. All the countries around the world ,just about, hate us. We think our religion is the right one. We always think we are rightous when we really aren't. We claim to be a Christian country when we are off fighting wars while in the bible it says Pray for your loved ones, Love your enemies. And we aren't. We are hating them. Just as they hate us.

So many Americans today are so cruel to people. Most people are out for self gain. Others are out to purposely make others feel bad mentally or physically. The reason i'm telling this guy this is because what I have seen people go through. I don't want him to. I don't want him to be hurt so much, then end up snapping because he can't take it anymore. There are SOME things in this world that just isn't a good choice. No matter how RIGHT it may seem to us or the individual. The be yourself thing only goes a certain distance. Some of us think we should do whatever we want and be happy because we were taught that or seen it on movies. We CAN'T do everything we want if we want to be happy. To be happy, sometimes you have to give up what you really want, and go for what you need.

As crazy as that may seem. Think about it. I mean, Wear your own clothes, listen to your own music. But don't make a choice that will do more harm than good to your life. Ask yourself.. Is all the bs worth that decision?

 

Sure I won't be there personally, but if he ever messages me with a problem I would try and help him the best I could. Honestly, your advice was really freaky and bad. If we had 1 religion we would most likely all be slaves to the higher ones. Wars would still come about because not everyone agrees with your (their) views. The example you gave is totally irrelevant because he's not doing something bad and he isn't asking for bad attention, he just wants to be himself (free) and enjoy his life with a man or woman. I guess if you're bi it's not that bad, but he seems to like guys more so I wouldn't really 'force yourself. And just so you know, peoples reactions are different, not because someone was taunted at your school doesn't mean he is going to be taunted. I kind of feel sorry for you for feeling this way.


I hope everything goes well, Jay. Best wishes.

 

I wish there was a way for me to project my memories and feelings out on a screen. ONLY THEN would you understand what i'm saying. I've seen this world at its most cruel stage.. I mean.. Damn. Not only have i seen it, its happened to me..

 

My whole family has taunted me as being a 'fag' but I just keep on being me and look forward and sometimes let out with people online. I've cried many times but that has only made me stronger. I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not. You're lying to yourself imo. Sure it may hurt but you are kind of making a difference for others. I think the more gay people there is, the less big of a deal it will be. In school I've also been taunted for how I dress (sometimes wearing short shorts) but that's me and I couldn't give more a shit about what they think. I've never been attacked which is great.

 

Agreed.
:cheers2:

 

Say that again? I don't equate being gay/bi with being a serial killer. Not only is your advice very poor, but your reasoning is totally illogical. Think about it.

--QP