Relationship hangovers

Relationship hangovers.

How long, in your experience, do they last?

I was with my last girlfriend for a number of years and really thought she was the one. We really connected, mentally, and the sex was incredible. She was liberated, willing to try most things once and nothing was ever embarrassing. Trouble is, in the last six months of our relationship, she just started slowly removing me from her life and wanting something else other than just me. She was open with me - to an extent - and I so could see the end coming, even though I didn't want to admit it, or, at least, admit that it was an inevitability.

So, we broke up early 2009, I was devastated, and I haven't seen her since. However, I still love her. Just occasionally, I find myself missing her like crazy. Not the way she was in the last six months of our relationship, that sucked the big one... but the way we were in the years before. The funny thing is, I have let go. I want her to be happy and to have a great life, regardless of whether it is with me or not. I'm just left in this horrible abyss where nothing seems to compare. It's not a hugely intense feeling, just a very sad... hangover.

I've been with another girl for a couple of months now and she's great. Smart, kind, down-to-earth, quite sexy. Everything I'd generally want from a partner. I love her, but I'm not in love with her. I'm hoping that those strong feelings for her develop naturally and within a reasonable time frame, otherwise I'm going to have to end it, because the longer it goes on, the more involved she'll become with me and that just isn't fair on her. I know that life isn't fair, but being fair is very important to me.

This is a question I know that none of you can really answer, so I'm just asking it, pondering over it with the world. Am I ever going to get over this girl? Should I ever get over it? Maybe it's just an experience I loved that I should treasure to the grave. I just don't want it to get in the way of denying me future happiness. It's difficult to go back to Coca-Cola when you've had Champagne for so long.

Anyone relate? Or maybe there are some young people who would like to call me a "pussy" and tell me to go out there and fuck everyone. One response will be infinitely more valued than the other.

 

Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

 

I had one of those situations roughly ten years ago. It's a definite brain fuck.

Just take it easy for about a year or so. Bang if someone offers and don't get involved with that person because chances are where you are during that time won't be where they are at present time and even more less likely in the future.

Also keep a look out for damsels in distress, such as women gotten screwed over by a boyfriend recently or women with daddy issues - or both, since both factors seem to coincide. Easy to fuck, but horrible to get in relationships with. If you do get into a relationship with that person, count on either you or her being a stepping stone. If YOU are the stepping stone, your current hang over will feel like a walk in the park by comparison.

That said, take it easy for a while. Wish I had followed that advice during my worst hangover. All I kept doing was having more hangovers and it caused getting over things that much longer!

 

Your cover: blown.

Anyway, shall we carry on as perfect strangers? I think that would be best.

 

You know I felt bad for you until you mentioned "Going back to coca cola when you had champagne for so long"

that really arks me that you compare this new girl like that. You're a 34 yr old man. GET OVER IT. You met another awesome great girl but you compare her like that? You shouldnt deserve her then

Ive had nothing but guys like you. Being "in love" with the "perfect" girl then losing her after HER leaving THEM

fuck her then but nooo they have to put down other awesome, probably Better women that enter their lives cause they miss the one that LEFT them

I feel bad for all the girls like that that get treated that way.

Dude thats all I have to say AND

You dont know what you have until its GONE

 

100% agree with you!

You really need to take a good look at yourself and work out what you want.
Dont mess with this new girl, totally unfair. You have already answered your own problems. You love her but not in love with her. Let her go and get on with her life.
Take a break, learn to be happy on your own, get over the past and look to a better self

 

Um, OK???

 

You're wrong. First of all, I wasn't comparing anyone or putting anyone down. I was just saying that after such an important relationship it is difficult relating to anyone without still having this "hangover". Hence the coca-cola after champagne metaphor. I meant that in terms of my life, it wasn't a comparison of relationships.

As for your last sentence, I beg to differ. I'm always fully aware of what I've got and what I've had. I'm honest with people and wouldn't keep anyone hanging on or give them empty promises. Plus, my ex was very far from perfect, but it didn't stop me loving her as much as I did.

If you don't mind me saying, I think your post was overly judgemental. I suppose I can understand it seeing as you misunderstood my point, but I'd also have to question what true insight a 19 year old can have about real relationships anyway. God knows I wasn't anything but an amateur at that age. It also appears that you have a few issues to "get over" as well - and I mean that in the kindest way, but I can feel you projecting all the way from the UK.

p.s. It's "irks", not "arks". Sorry to be petty.

 

As I said in my previous post, I'm not messing with her, I've been honest with her. I think it's cool the way things are - it's possible that I could fall in love with her eventually. Not everything has to be fireworks and explosions straight away.

As for your suggestion - I did take a break. Maybe not a long enough one, but that remains to be seen.

 

Thanks for your thoughts, I didn't see your reply before now. I'm not really interested in just fucking, anyway. All I want from life is someone to love and who loves me.

As I said in my previous post, perhaps I haven't taken a long enough break. However, I had got to the stage where I was happy on my own, so that's when I put myself "out there" again. It's just... difficult.

 

Its STILL a comparison. You're obviously not ready for a relationship if you cant see her as "champagne" or w/e shit you say. She still doesnt deserve you. You need a break and let this new girl go

obviously NOT because you're still in deep with your ex. Oh? You're honest? Why dont you tell your little new girlfriend how you think of her then?

OH I just LOVE how mid 30s people bring my age in this. Just because they think i had "amateur" relationships and cant "fully understand" then they cant take my advice

Just because you're older, it has nothing on me, the number of years dont matter, how many experiences within years matters and Ive had a lot and I know a lot in the relationship category.

You're 34 yr old and you dont know what to do but you refuse to take someone advice cause of their age. How mature is that?

You know when I seen that comparison it reminded me of a 21 yr old I know. I guess you should get your head cleared up before you mention my age again

 

I don't think you've bothered to read my reply to you - and if you have, then you clearly haven't understood it. For the sake of clarity, I will repeat myself one more time, but that's it. I was talking about my life, I was not talking about the specific people involved. Think about it. The title of the thread. "Relationship hangover". Hangover? Champagne?

You weren't offering advice, you were and still are being hostile because you're drawing parallels between what I've said and something that has happened in your life. However, square blocks don't fit in round holes, no matter how hard you hammer them. You can (mis)interpret that metaphor any way you like.

You are in no position to know exactly what I've said to my current girlfriend and therefore in no position to second guess how honest I've been. I have been completely honest. As transparent as they come. My head (and conscience) is perfectly clear. I'm just a little down about events in my life and a bit emotionally numbed, that's all.

You're obviously hell-bent on thinking of me in a certain way, so I don't expect to have changed your mind. That isn't an age thing, there are blinkered people of all ages.

 

Well in this case then i have read it the wrong way I took the impression your new relationship was taken half heartedly and nothing serious, not really all that into her/on a rebound.

Well i think everyone carries a tourch somewhere inside for an old flame, something that they could never have with anyone else and it never really goes away. But thats where it lays, in the past. Comparing each relationship you may have can't be a good thing or healthy. Not being able to relate with your new partner already rings alarm bells to me.

However,i hope you come to a conclusion and work out what your going to do. I do hope you are entirley honest with your new partner otherwise it will be her left with a broken heart.

 

Thanks, I appreciate what you've said. I do love her, she is completely lovable. She knows that I've had a bit of a hard time and is cutting me some slack, but I want to see where this is going. I know she wants to, but if my feelings don't grow in the next month or two, I'll call time on it for both of our sakes. I really don't want to hurt her and I have too much of a conscience to be stringing her along when it's apparent there's no future. At this moment in time, I quite honestly don't know if there is a future, but it does look hopeful. Time can only help.

 

ps. Although it may not seem like it from my responses (perhaps I've been a little defensive), I have to appreciate where you were both coming from with your original posts, because you were coming at it for concern for someone, which is admirable, even though I've been on the receiving end of a bit of a tongue lashing.

 

stacy lulu is a little harsh and i think your responses are appropriate, sir digby.

as for this relationship, i think we both know that you still have some things to work out. i think you probably need to work this out yourself. there will be NO ONE ELSE quite like your former girlfriend, sadly. but there are other, wonderful people that will more accurately fit your current stage of life. you are different now; don't go chasing that girl that fit you THEN, but maybe not NOW.

meditate. go for walks. do puzzles. hang out with friends. find some meaning in your life that lifts you up really high that is outside of relationships. maybe you already have that but its what has worked for me, when i need to trust myself with something as big as my own full happiness. if you know what i mean?

 

Im not a little harsh. Im dealing with the same type of guy and hes so confusing. He just reminds me of mr chicken

Sorry I reacted so emotionally over it. I see that you love her but IMO saying that one sentence sent me off but I know what it feels like to have that one greatest person then lose them. its shitty but all you need to do is strive for the best again

and I honestly think this new girl is it

 

Can I just do this in point form?

1 ) Stacy seemed to take her own personal negative experience with guys out on Chicken Caesar, which wasn't called for. But she apologized, which as far as I'm concerned is something to be admired. Clouds ditto.

2 ) Chicken Caesar has generally been fair throughout this thread, except I didn't think the age thing directed to Stacy was necessarily called for.

3 ) Chicken Caesar, in my opinion, may be better off not to pursue a solid relationship with his "new" girlfriend considering his lingering feelings for his ex. This, he seems to understand so I don't think it's where he needs advice on.

4 ) How long would a relationship hangover last? It's hard to say. It took me three years since my last one to be able to say "I am finally ready for a relationship". I don't think you can rush these things anyway. I personally think the mourning stage is actually necessarily. It's a bad idea to go out drinking again if you're still brutally hungover, so to speak. They say time heals, and I believe it's true.

 

I agree with thinker. thats what I meant by taking time before getting into another relationship.

 

Hey there

I can totally relate, but I am on the other side of the fence! I was the girl who broke it off with her boyfriend of 5 years. I am still friends with him. I got majorly depressed after I broke it off. I kind of had a few rebounds, which made me feel worse. I messed around with a few different guys. Still not sure. All I can say is find something that will make you happy. This is probably the time to find yourself again. It's hard; it's lonely; it's depressing, I can understand. I think of life in stages. I Ddn't know if its right or wrong way to think, but I have become a completely different person to who I was with my ex. I'm still dealing with issues, but I feel so much stronger, knowing that I'm where I am now because of me. I feel like I've kind of lost my "right hand man" (my partner), but now I have to become stronger in myself. That's my experience anyway.

Best wishes. I hope that you find what is is that you're looking for.