This may prove tricky at first, but I'm sure there's enough brains and imagination on this forum to overcome the obstacles. Let's start writing a play, in the style of Shakespeare and see what it ends up looking like (probably horrendous, but who cares?) I got the idea from someone else starting a story somewhere else on this forum, which is building up quite well. Please feel free to contibute. I reckon it will be a laugh. The language doesn't have to be pure medieval. Right let's start... Act 1. Scene i. The public baths in ancient Rome. Enter Cornelius, a wealthy merchant and his slave Sextus. CORNELIUS: That be as far as ye shall travel, knave, Forsooth these marble floors are not, For the likes of thyne unwashed feet. There'd me more cheese between thy toes, Than an entire row of French delicatessen stores Outside the coliiseum. But, be silent... SEXTUS: I haven't said a word yet, Master! CORNELIUS: Fool! Look who's coming. Quick, let us hide Behind this big marble column that appears Like a Grecian phallus. Try not to get excited. Enter Dread Irate, a rival merchant and his bitch Shamilla. DREAD: What a shitty day has befallen my virtue, That two trunk inheriting mother of a knave, Cornelius, prithee I will be kicking his sorry ass all the way to the forum When I get my hands on him. SHAMILLA: Why not pop a cap in his ass? DREAD: Don't be a damn ho' bitch, We'd be Romans and civilzed We don't do none of that nasty shit! We crucify their ass and make them suffer! SHAMILLA: Cojones! You messin' about with wood an' nails! What kind of a pimp art thou? You'd be hangin' around with this Roman trash For way too long, amigo! DREAD: Shut up, bitch!(he slaps her) Lest it may mar your fortune. Shit, you put me off my bath now, I'm goin' to have to grease some mother... Exeunt Dread and Shamilla. Cornelius and Sextus come out of their hiding place. CORNELIUS: What the flibberdigibet! What mak'st thou of that, my unwashed, amoeba-brained slave?
to read or not to read...that is the question.... Hark....what shit is this i see here!!! LOL...sorry dude didnt mean that but awesome attempt...u should Pm me sometime..i love creative people!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you ladies. Your praise is nectar for the heart of the dead poet. Don't forget to contibute, people. This is your forum. Prithee, let's continue. The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscious of the king... (continued) SEXTUS: He hath become a powerful man, my liege. Everyone in Rome doth fear him, as you do too. CORNELIUS: Nonsense, my Greek slave, I fear that your feta cheese and calamari Has affected thy power of perception. Can't you see that I am toying with the fellow? SEXTUS: My humble sense of observation Hath nothing to do with my sense of smell And unless I am very much mistaken, Those were very oderous gases that were Being omited from your behind whilst we hid. CORNELIUS: Incorrigible rascal! Dars't thou Insinuate that I broke wind due to this farce? Blow winds! Blow you hurricanoes. Ye Gods! I am a man more sinned against than sinning. SEXTUS: Thou woulds't also be a dead fat Roman, If you don't do something about this man. CORNELIUS: Dead? What dos't thou mean? Pray thee tell and mark thy words well, saucy fellow. SEXTUS: It woulds't appear that thou art the Only man in Rome than knows not what this Dread Is actually doing behind thy back? CORNELIUS: Don't be a fop. I know everything Why, he's just a rude, whippersnapper that runs A solicited emporium of vice and fornication. SEXTUS: I think thou meant he runs a whorehouse. Yes, we all know that, but he's also importing, Exotic spices from the eastern provinces of the empire, Just north of Babylon. Some unforgiven land. CORNELIUS: I am a wine merchant, fool. What have spices got to do with me? SEXTUS: Thou really doesn't get it. He is importing a spice known as crack. CORNELIUS: What is this foolishness I hear? There are no crocodiles in the eastern frontier! I thought thee Greeks were well educated, Seems I wasted my sesertii buying thee. SEXTUS: (aside) Lord have mercy! Surely he cannot be that thick! (to Cornelius) Master, allow me to retort, Crack is not made from crocodiles, or indeed, any other beast. It is a hallucinogenic made from plants that grow in exotic lands. Alexander was the first to discovered it and look at what happened to him! CORNELIUS: But, he drowned in the waters of the Euphrates! SEXTUS: That is shit of the bull! A tale for tourists! Our King actually OD'd. CORNELIUS: What does that stand for? SEXTUS: Obviously Dead! Why'd else did he die when he was Only 33 years of age? Anyway, the Romans are flocking to buy this new elixir known as crack which means that your wine sales have already started suffering! CORNELIUS: Beelzebub! That recreant is moving in On my turf! We have to do something about this. SEXTUS: Worry not, Master, for I have a cunning plan. Let us withdraw and head for the Senate. Exeunt.
Act 1. Scene ii. The Roman Senate. Enter the Speaker of the House, senators, Imperial Guards, Georgius Bushius Caesar and Verbal Diarrhoea, his Commander of the Legion. SPEAKER: Quiet now everyone, for Caesar will address the senate about urgent matters of the republic. ALL(apart from Caesar and Diarrhoea): Ave Caesar! May Jupiter give thee Colonic irrigation with the clear waters of the Nile. (Caesar is unaware that everyone, apart from Diarrhoea, hates him) CAESAR: I thank thee all for thy kind words, Were it that I come humbly before thy presence, To voice my concern at the mounting resistance Of the barbarian tribes along our frontier. DIARRHOEA: Tell them Georgius tell it to them straight! CAESAR: Yes, my good Romans. Our empire is under threat! Fear not, for Caesar is a reasonable man And as long as our imperial eagle flies above the world's heads It may shit wherever it wants! DIARRHOEA: (clapping) Ah! I love that part! Give it to them! Give it to them! CAESAR: Drastic times require drastic actions (Diarrhoea is having an orgasm) These hordes have been trying to educate themselves by inventing their own languages and cultures. Therein lies the threat to our glorious nation For we cannot have these lower people Independent of our umbilical cord. Lest we forget the money that enters our coffers From their suppressed populations! DIARRHOEA: Bravo! Bravo, Caesar! CAESAR: These foreigners have made a grievous error And for that Rome declares a 'War On Error' DIARRHOEA: Up the bum! CAESAR: Thank you, Diarrhoea! I'm certain that thou woulds't be the first out of the bum And spreading all over the place, Leading our armies to victory. Which brings me to my point. ALL(apart from Caesar and Diarrhoea): (groan) CAESAR: Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me your money. My spies have informed me that these hordes have been piling secret weapons, With which they mean to destroy civilization plunging it into darkness. In this crisis, Rome needs your support to send catapults so we can fireball their homes. All I ask is that you vote with patriotism and I will honor our agreement. Now excuse me, for I must have by midmorning nap. DIARRHOEA: O, you were wonderful, Georgius, Were I a woman so I could bear your sprogs. Allow me to wipe thy rectum with my forked tongue To show thee my undying devotion. ALL(apart from Caesar and Diarrhoea) Hail Caesar! Ruler of the world! Now, go get a cosmo! Exeunt.
Act 1. Scene iii. Georgius Bushius Caesar's home, A large white house Caesar enter's after his meeting with the senate Caesar: Humble wife, where art thou? no response Caesar: Mine loving wife, my summer blossom, come forth... no response Caesar: (agitated) Serving wench! show yourself lest i be forced to booteth thou ****!! Laura Bushius and Senator Kerrius appear from a back room, both looking "flustered" Laura: You called Caesar? Caesar: By what means were you withheld that you did not appear immediatly at my beckon as would a obediant wife? Laura: oh master, a very hard and exhausting task held me up momentairly Caesar: E tu Kerrius? ...why are you here? Senator Kerrius: I was attending to thine bedroom, your wife hath many chores to complete today and called upon my to assist her in a task too... toilsome to attempt alone. Caesar: Oh, well then, my thanks to you on behalf of my wife. Did thou knowst thou missed a senate meeting today? Senator Kerrius: I did, but reasoned with mine self that the satisfaction of thou wife was of greater impotrance Caesar: ..satisfaction? Senator Kerrius: I meant safety, I simply could not let your wife attempt such an ardous task on her lonesome. For if I had the end result would have been masterbatuion Caesar: What say you man!? Senator Kerrius: A slip of the toungue mighty casear. The persperation of helping your wife has forced disorientation, I meant frustration not masterbatuion. I must now take my leave for I have many other matters to attend to. Caesar: Very well my noble friend, I bid you good day Exit Senator Kerrius Caesar: there goes an excellent ally, so fiery and passionate Laura: (lustfully) I couldn't agree with you more, now to the matter at hand, for what reason did you call upon me? Caesar: It's been a long day in senate, bring me my nose candy immediatly, I need to powder my snoze Laura: regretably my Lord thou stash has depleted, and in fact the whole of Rome is experiancing a shortage of blow-th Caesar: Gadzooks! what evil deed have I done to deserve this? have I not been a fair ruler? have I not been a loving husband? have I not given livestock proper feeding? Laura: By the gods, act like a man not a child! there is no need to fret, I've recently heard of the merchant, Ivan Dread acquring a new type of spice that I beleieve you will take special interest in...
That is first class mate! BuddyBuds, I take my cap off for you, sir. I was about to give up and post the rest on my website. You have saved the day. So, my fair ladies and kind gentlemen of the forum theatre let us continue with 'Caesar Revisited': Act 1. Scene iv. Outside the senate. Cornelius and Sextus are waiting. A ragged clothed soothsayer is also present. CORNELIUS: Didst thou get it, knave? SEXTUS: I have it here, my liege (Sextus is carrying a big sack) CORNELIUS: Now for all thy worth, I hope this plan works, otherwise I’ll send thee to the arena, where thou canst join the menu. SEXTUS: Fear not, Master. Caesar is a vain man who likes the mob to think he’s cultured. He would not resist to this refined offering. CORNELIUS: Prepare, for he comes now. (Enter Imperial entourage) DIARRHOEA: I must say, Georgius, that really was an exquisite display of bravado today. CAESAR: For Jove’s sake, why don’t thee give it a rest? (Cornelius and Sextus jump in front of Caesar and are immediately detained by the sentries) CORNELIUS: Ave Caesar! May thy loins grow until they reach the Tiber! We bring gifts for thy Imperial Highness and all that we ask is that thou givest us some of thy precious time. CAESAR: What are these pieces of excrement, Diarrhoea? And why are they speaking? DIARRHOEA: They are thy subjects, Caesar. I'll have them executed for attempting to pollute thy precious thoughts. SEXTUS: Wait! My most precious of holliest emperors! CAESAR: Hmm…What an observant caricature. SEXTUS: We bring a gift for Caesar from a far away land called Scotia, in Britain, my liege. All that we ask is an audience, thou most benevolent Higness. CAESAR: Is this man a relative of thou, Diarrhoea? Perhaps we can recruit him in the imperial court of sycophants. He uses words which are pleasing to the ear. DIARRHOEA: Which ear would that be, my lord? CAESAR: Bring them forth so we can peruse whether their gifts are adequate of out time. CORNELIUS: Thankest thou my worthy emperor. Please accept this humble of offerings (Cornelius and Sextus bow and give the big sack to Diarrhoea, who opens it and brings out some golf clubs) CAESAR: What the Hades are these things? DIARRHOEA: I am buffled, my liege. The appear to be an iron weapon of some sort with various sizes of heads, some of which are wooden. Could these be the weapons of maths destruction that we heard so much of? CAESAR: They could well be, Diarrhoea. But I’ll be buggered if I understand how these things will destroy maths. And in any case, I thought I told thee that our spies had made that story up so we could get our legionnaires to fight. SOOTHSAYER: (screams) Caesar! Beware the ides of March! Beware the ides of March! (Caesar whacks the soothsayer over the head with the golf club and kills him) CAESAR: By the blood of the unicorn! These weapons really are effective. Diarrhoea, issue these to the blacksmiths and have them make millions of copies so that we may sell them to other nations. Now, what did that knave say ‘ere he expired. DIARRHOEA: Methinks it was something about a match. CAESAR: A match? What match? Is someone playing at the coliseum that I haven’t been made aware of? CORNELIUS: I think he actually said: 'Beware of hides that match'. CAESAR: What lunacy is this? Dost I appear to be a tanner? The fellow must have been staring at the full moon for too long. (The soothsayer regains consciousness.) SOOTHSAYER: I said, ‘Beware the ides of March’, you deaf git. (Caesar hits him on the head with the club again and this time the soothsayer dies for real) CAESAR: Oh! He said, ‘Beware the ides of March’. What on earth dost he mean?Is there going to be an earthquake? Maybe he meant that someone is going to kill me. (Everyone apart from Caesar and Diarrhoea laughs nervously) So, who is this man that bring his ruler this splendid gift? CORNELIUS: I be Cornelius, the largest wine seller in Rome, my king. DIARRHOEA: Ah! This is a good man, Caesar. We buy all our wines from him. Remember that time when you crushed your father’s chariot and he covered it up for you? CAESAR: Fond memories. It were just before I joined the National Imperial Guard, of which I didn’t stay for long. But what makes thou think that he is a good man? DIARRHOEA: He has a lot of money. CAESAR: (offers a handshake) Splendid fellow! Why didnst thou say so before? Please walk with me to my palace and tell Caesar all thy woes. Oh, and someone clean this shit off the street. (the soothsayer is kicked off the stage) Exeunt.
ohh my i think you may have started an awesome trend scorpion!!! LOL PS - Pisces always connect with Cancers
