On a break or broken up?

Hi all,

Me and my bf of 3 years have just split up due to something extremely stupid of me (Wed 18/11/09). I have been insecure and have low self esteem for a while now. Last night I went through my bf phone and saw a text message from a guy that I didn't know (we are gay btw). I took the number and this morning I text the guy saying that I was my bf and had changed me number. I made it out like the text was for me (e.g. can't wait too see you again, love you lots etc etc.)

My bf found out from the guy and basically said that I've hurt him so much, it's over. We both were crying as we were thinking of everything we are throwing away. We cuddled and kissed each other (comforting each other) and told each other that we love each other. He said he's sad as he's never cheated and this just broke his heart. I've never seen him cry and he was crying badly. Just really opened up my eyes to what I've done to this poor guy.

I accept the mistake I've done but want to use this opportunity to give him some space and to work on myself. I still want to keep in touch to let him know how I'm doing. First thing is self help books and CD's. Next is counseling.

I told him I don't want it to end and he said he doesn't either but needs some space. He said he still has hopes we'll see each other again and there could be a chance of getting back together but things need to change.

Hardest part is not contacting him. I've been finding excuses to call him and when I do, I expect him to say he misses me, he loves me etc. He does keep saying he'll talk to me soon and that we will see each other.

He mentioned about meeting at the beginning of Dec which I want to take him to another city so we can hang out there. I'm just getting anxious that he's with someone else, that he doesn't want to get back together and he'll never ring me. But deep down I know this isn't true.

I've got counselling booked on monday and will continue with that. I've been keeping myself busy too.

What do you all think?

thanks

James

 

James:

No amount of counselling, self-help books or anything else will help, unless you make a very clear, simple, written-in-the-stone decision: you'll never ever again go thru other people's mail, phone, computers, etc. You'll NEVER spy on them.

No matter how and why, you must never break into the private world of your bf, your friends, family members, or anyone else. The moment you do so, all bets are off, and people will drop you as if you were a leper never to look back at you again. Call this the most important Commandment of the modern times.

Tell your BF that you have clearly wronged him, that you have understood the gravity of your mistake, and that you are willing to do anything within your power to make your relationship work.

Decide to man up now, and leave the low-self esteem popular trend behind you. Look deep into yourself, into what you have achieved so far, and into what you are doing on a daily basis to make it even better. If you are satisfied with your results, your low self-esteem issue will disappear. If you are not, improve on it substantially. If you need a magic mantra, here is the one which works: "Nothing suceeds like success".

KD

 

Well said KD, excellent advice!

 

Thanks for the advice. I've told him all the above and genuinely meant it. I will NEVER snoop again. Everyday I'm reading a self help book, listening to a self help Cd, writing 5 positive things down from the previous day, keeping myself busy with family and friends. Also, I haven't called or texted or emailed today and will not for another week.

On our next meet I want to take him to another city to chat and stay over so I can treat him and show him how sorry I am. If we do get back together, I won't go into his flat so he'll feel at ease too. We'll only see each other in public places and he can come to my house until he can trust me in his flat.

Do you think he's interested in getting back? He did say about meeting in early Dec.

thanks for all the help

James

 

i had somewhat a similar experience once. i have a really good relationship with my best friend (he's straight). about a year ago he had a girlfriend. for whatever the reason the girlfriend didn't like him hanging out with me. one day while he was at work she hacked into his mailbox and wrote to me as if she was A (my friend). i don't remember what she said but there was something off about it and i wrote back to A asking if he's become a split personality or something. he wrote me back explaining the situation that it hadn't been him and that she had hacked into his computer etc. it didn't stop there though. next she started deleting my phone number from his phone (on several occasions). she wrote to me again (again from A's email account) this time presenting herself as his girlfriend and saying that she didn't like me talking to A and practically telling me to keep away from him. none of that happened of course and eventually their relationship ended (though not because of this, she did some other things as well and treated him pretty bad).

so as you see, this whole thing was completely absurd. you cannot tell people with whom they can be friends with. you can't expect to get away clean with it when you spy on them and impersonate them in order to find out what kind of a relationship your bf is having with the people whose names are in his cell phone/mailbox.

if something is bothering you just ask them about it. you might look a little paranoid but it's better than going behind their back. that only shows that you don't trust them and you understand what kind of a reaction that will produce.

 

@nytramlean

Look, I am clueless about your BF's intentions. And honestly, so is probably, everybody else here.

Yet, I can see that there are people who may be able to forgive such a trespass, and move on in life.

If you play it really right from here on, AND he happens to be a genuinely great and generous guy, very deeply in love with you, your chances are GOOD.

KD

 

I just hope he can forgive me, but in order to do that I need to prove to him that I can change. I just miss him and finding it extremely difficult not seeing you. It feels as if he'll just move on and that he isn't hurting (even though part of me knows this isn't true.)

 

It would be difficult to believe that he isn't hurting. Yet, he may also start reasoning that he should be really moving on after all of that mess... There is really nothing for you to do now, but try your best to calm it all down, and show him that you are very acutely aware of the situation.

 

I'm just confused as if he wanted to move on, why does he want to meet to go cinema or for lunch? Just doesn't make sense. I'm meeting him this weekend or definitely next weekend. He says he's not discussed it with people, just said we are kind off broken up and that he's been watching Friends box set to cheer him up a bit. I know this is his way of coping with things but he needs to talk about it. Thing is he holds onto things which make him angry.

He said that he thought when I said I wouldn't look through his phone the first time that he believed me, that he struggled to eat, sleep and felt lost. The ball is in his court now, I'm going to concentrate on myself and see this as a permanent break up.