I'm stuck in a never ending cycle of depression and aggression. I've got so good at hiding my depression that I am able to hide it from myself - its like I have a second personality. When I'm happy - I will - or have never suffered from depression in my life. Even if I have just spent the last three weeks near breaking point. Until one day I get down and the whole flood gates open. I used aggression to hide away from my shame. Now I get depressed from my aggressive ways. Which causes me to be more aggressive. Then I used alcohol to numb myself which increases my aggression and then my anger. - I stopped using alcohol so now I use cannabis. Which just removes any hope of happiness and I'm only left with my depression. Its a never ending story - I don't want help, at least I don't think I do. But here I am typing this. I don't have a problem but when it affects your personal,work and love life it must. If I can get away from this for at least a day - I'm good. But then something tiny will get me down for absolutely no reason. Don't get me wrong - your reading this thinking I must be a low life - asshole who doesn't give a shit. But in reality you would never know that i suffer from it. Its only when i come back at the end of the day- and it all comes back. I don't even know the purpose of this - I suppose if I know someone else that has had this then - tell me your experiences. I'm surrounded by people - but I'm incredibly lonely. To make it worse I think I enjoy being like this? I like the idea of my self destructive nature. MAN - this shit is whack. Denial is the way to go. (use realised how many negitives i used in the post - How ironic? )
Your experiences are familiar to alot of people. To anyone who has ever felt aggression or hopelesness. The reason for your depression and rage is simple: your egoic mind is taking control and making your life situation into something to be upset about. You say "to make it worse I think I enjoy being like this." You're not far off. The mind can be a great tool...when you're in control and can turn iton off when you need it forconstructive purposes. But when it has free reign and control 24/7 it can literally destroy you. When something like a car alarm goes off nearby, your irritation to it is nothing more than the minds delusion that negativity will bring you a solution. It never will. Depression, rage, and hopelessness never bring solutions, but they do take away any of your control over the situation, which is exactly why the ego loves negativity of any kind. Why does the mind do this? Because the mind resists what is happening in the Now. In the immediate present. The minds resistance comes as what you experience as negativity of any kind. Negativity = the minds inability to accept the present. When you accept what is, and live in the immediate now, all negativity is transformed into peace. Back to the car alarm idea: how does being irritated help? It doesn't. In fact being in a foul mood is much worse than the actual noise. Your irritation won't make the car alarm turn off, just send you into a negative spiral where you aren't in control. Ever read Alduos Huxleys "Island"? A man is shipwrecked on an undiscovered island whose inhabitants are sane, peaceful, happy, functional beings. The first thing he notices is the island is full of colorful parrots trainedto yell "Here and now. Attention. Here and now." Accepting what is, and living in the now is what brings peace and joy, simply from just being. When you accept what is, and live in the now you don't have problems,just situations that can be handled. I would suggest practicing some basic Zen meditations and would highly suggest reading Eckhart Tolles "The Power of Now."
I think its pretty universal, but for me the first step is personal responsibility. After that change of mind i had to actually do it. These first 2 things were the hardest for me. Then I had to change what i put into my body. I quit going to the bar so frequently. Quit smoking, which was a pain in the ass. I still go to the bar, its a work in progress i suppose. Food is another major thing. I quit eating for pleasure and quit eating processed food. I started doing this about 6 months ago. I knew that working out would help, so i got a gym membership at ymca. I go at least 3 times a week for the past 6 weeks. It took me months to get the courage to get that damn membership, im so glad i did. I argued with myself untill one day i had a mental breakdown and decided i just had to do it. Its expensive but i feel its paid itself off 10 fold with a more positive attitude. I try to do some meditation or spiritual practice everyday. Ive been struggling with spirituality for years. I feel like its the most neglected part of my life and I know I should do it more. I always get down on myself about it. Its the most helpful and most painful part of my 'self improvement' process. I often hide behind a veil, and do it well. Its called an ego. Everyone does it. Talking to someone will help a lot. Do you have anyone to talk to?
I have no one to talk to, even if I did I wouldn't. Out of pure stubbornness. One of the main reasons behind my behavior today is people prying to my personal information and exploiting it. If anyone starts delving into my personal life I get extremely defensive and aggressive. From that day on, my mentality has been - everyone should keep themselves to themselves and that if they don't know you - it cant be used against you. I have had a few good days since writing the original post. Every now and then I will start dipping towards it but I'm getting by. Thank you for your help and C.D you speak words of true wisdom. It astonishes me someone of your age to be so wise. I survived the battle but the war still goes on. Bring on tomorrow?
