So, the beginning I will keep this brief as I really don't have the energy or Patience to get this all out. So I will do it as quickly as possible. Had a relationship with this girl that was absolute amazing. She was everything to me (may have seen my other threads) but I'm also suffer from chronic depression that can jump on me at anytime. When I was with her - I felt amazing for over a year..Which has never happened to me. After about a year, even she could not stop my depression which eventually turned to aggression. To make things worse she had no idea about this - nor still does now. The only people that do know I have this are people on this forum. I started drinking heavily and smoking regularly. Eventually this infected our relationship and i became a abusive(non violent. Never.) manipulative, aggressive sexist that cheated and basicly..sum of the earth. This was about a year and a half ago now. We have kept in touch ever since and lately thats all i can think about. The only reason I even considered asking for your response, members of hipforums, was because I had a rather interesting dream involving my death. - All the things I would do before I die. The key aspects of this was to apologize for what I have done to her even tho we are really close friends now. She has always been on my thoughts and lately she is all I can think about. Am I in love with the idea? Or really her? Should I move on? - I know these answers but I just want to go for it. I don't know - advice? Just want to be there for her again, cuddle her at night, protect her, spend everything on her. Make her the most special girl in the world. DAMN, Not bad going for a stereotypically insensitive young lad?
I don't have the answer to your questions, but if you find out let me know, i was in a similar spot minus the cheating.
It sounds like you may love her to me. You want to nourish her, you would be willing to give up monetary sustenance for her. And two and a half years is certainly enough for the bonds of love to develop. As far as if you should move on - well that all depends on two things: 1) her feelings. Most likely, you would have to disclose your mental troubles to her to even get her to consider it - but if you ask me, it's rather selfish to let a relationship get serious before disclosing such information in the first place (and I have GAD, so that's not coming form an inexperienced position). 2) if you do actually love her. You say you know these answers: so I am curious as to why you even asked if you love her. If you're just in love with the idea of love, then you can probably find someone better suited to you..
In regards to Duck, I meant - Am I in love with her, or just the idea of having someone to love? Someone to be there for me. Knowing the answers but being told the answers is different. You can choose to ignore what you must do and carry on a selfish lie. Although my feelings for her are as strong as ever - I think that in her best interests,I should just leave it and let her find someone else. It pains me so much to say this, but I'm probably no good for her and she could do so much better -with my current mental state no money can change it. Rather than drowning my feelings like I have done for the last 5 years - I think its about time I stick to reality for now. Thanks for your comments - you may think it doesn't but it really does, just knowing there are other people in this world really makes a difference. You never know - I may sort my life out and fate may decide otherwise? One Love.
But your mental state is something you can overcome... One of the things that has helped me battle my anxiety disorder is the love of my girl. I think you should confess your troubles to her and let her decide if you're good enough for her; you should at least give her the option - you can't trust your opinion of yourself because of your disorder =P
