The other night my boyfriend of almost 4 years and I went out for my birthday. We both had alot of drink and cabbed home. Usually when he's been drinking he's useless in bed but he seemed more capable than usual. We fooled around for over an hour, at which point he proceeded to attempt to have anal sex with me- which we've talked about many times before but haven't really done more than play. I didn't turn him down, I just suggested we try again when we weren't so sloppy and had more lube, he laughed, we seemed ok. We we got to talking. We have a really good sex life, with little restriction and boundaries. I ask him how many girlfriends he regularly had anal sex with and he starts to talk about a couple of them. Then he mentioned that back when he was younger, and used cocaine recreationally, he let a gay friend of his go down on him. I was shocked but acted understanding so he'd tell me the whole story. He rambled all over the place, saying he liked it until it was over when he felt weird. Then he said he'd love for me to have sex with him and another guy, only if he could have sex with the guy....and then eluded to the fact he may have done more than just allow this other man to give him oral. He asked me if i'd remember this in the morning and said no. He also said it wasn't a good time to talk about it. My boyfriend has never ever seemed interested in anyone of the same sex. He's masculine, a great lover and friend, has had many ( too many...) female conquests and girlfriends in his 8 years he is senior to me. We've had some trust issues involving other women in the past. He's a big former football player, fit, and covered in tattoos. I love him so much, and no one has loved me like he does. I truly believe I have the most amazing man, bar none. We're in such a great place right now but I want to hear this whole story so that I can discover whether this was a incident of curiousity, or if he's done this more than once ( indicating bisexual tendencies) or if infact he's gay. I don't fear the first 2 options, and even if he turned out to be gay I'd want him to be happy because his happiness is so very important to me. He's 32 years old, I want him to have a life filled with joy and if that isn't with me, I can accept it. I don't know how to bring it up as he laughed the morning after about not remember anything from the night before. I've tried to bring up that night and he ' remembers nothing'. What should I do? Should I wait for him to mention it to me or should I find a way to broach the subject myself? Thanks for the help!
your boyfriend is in gay denial. that's my official diagnosis. proceed with caution... officially official, Dr. Hipforums
I highly reccommend Shale as engineer of advice for this thread .......... It's hard for me to offer any advice when I don't have any interest in having relations with another man. I can, however, imagine that I was really nervous about something that I talk about when I'm under the influence of alcohol. I'd know that I've talked about it with you. I also know that alcohol doesn't affect our memories like we like to think it does. I also know that sometimes I wish I hadn't talked about the things I had talked about. So, I know that you know that I know I've talked about an issue that I really don't want to talk about. Perhaps it really isn't that important. Perhaps entering in to some discussions on the possibilities of threesomes would be an icebreaker?
Your boyfriend is probably not gay. I myself have had sex with men and women, seperate, and together, and I know that I want to live my life with a woman. I prefer women, and I have more fantasies about women. He is probably similar. He is probably bi, maybe only sexually bi, but prefers women. There is a correlation between having had same sex experiences, and the amount of sexual partners a person has had. So, if a guy has had sex with many women, he is more likely to have had a same sex experience in his life time, than a guy that has had sex with less than 5 women. Reasons for this is that guys that have had more partners may be more sexual, and tried more variety. Second, guys that have had more partners may be more physically attractive, and therefore they have more sexual opportunities open to them. The same goes for women. Not all attractive women are bi (or lez for that matter), but they do have the opportunity to be bi. Trust me, both men and women lust over attractive women. Men can be in the same boat so some extent.
It definately doesn't sound like he's gay. If you have a great and regular sex, he's clearly very into it. Sex is a two way thing, and I truely believe you have to be really enjoying it to be good at it. Although he seems to have some bisexual tentancies. I'd definately try and bring it up, but just be sensitive as he may be incredibly embarassed about it when he's not drunk. If you would care not if he turned out to be bisexual, then i'd definately recommend letting him know this. He could probably do with the support! You seem very happy together - I hope you figure it all out. Keep us updated Peace
He doesn't sound gay to me, just curious. I would suggest bringing it up again yourself (I doubt he will). Be open and accepting and tell him you'll love him no matter what. He just needs to be comfortable. Tell him what you know/remember from that night, so that he knows that you know to much to deny anything. Let him know that you want to understand him, and that his sharing with you will only bring you two closer
Someone mentioned my name - maybe because I have had sex with both guys and girls almost equally until recently. But, I lived with a woman for two decades and had great sex. The difference between me and your ol' man is I was upfront from the beginning. Told Brenda that I had lived with and man and that I was bisexual. She was cool with that and we had a great 20 years together. I think that your man is not so open with you or himself. And the fact that you were shocked gives good cause for him not to be too open. Like someone else pointed out, when you have sex with a lot of women it isn't a big leap to let some guy suck you off. And eventually a lot of str8 guys want to take cock in their own mouth. But, maybe not all came from the free-wheeling, sexually exploring, accepting community of the '70s so they aren't so open about it, feel extreme guilt once they get off and buy into the myth that they are somehow less of a man by having sex with men. So, don't act understanding, just be understanding that guys can have sex with guys and still be great lovers to women (maybe better). And, try to impart that to your man. But it needs to be brought out in the open if you are to have a healthy, trusting relationship. Otherwise he is just another big, masculine, former football player, fit and covered in tattoos who's on the down-low. And that is where the problem can be.
i dont think so really, i think by shocked she more ment surprized, i mean you think you know a person right? she doesnt seem so uptight about it in terms of homophobic kinda thing, maybe just worryed that the man she loves might relize hes gay or w/e and go off for a man, it just means she loves him in my opinion.
you're right, I am a really open person. As a professional dancer ( not THAT kind of dancer, but broadway/ballet/ etc) Most of my male friends are in fact gay, and several of my female friends are lesbian or bi. Never in my life have I had a moment of that bothering me, or me not loving them, or being afraid of it. Hell, I think women are sexy so what is the difference? I was truly surprised to hear from my boyfriend, especially after so long together, about this experience he had. The most free and open part of our life has been our sex life, and I thought he knew that it was a safe and fun place where no judgement is cast. I need to have a sense of freedom and fun in it, I don't want it to have secrets. This news was also on the heels of us having gone through a phase where he didn't want to have sex- again, SHOCKING, because we used to be up to 4 times a day. I questioned many things ( is he not attracted to me anymore? is his work really actually getting to him so he can't let go at home? is there another woman?). Eventually he came around and said that the dymanic of our relationship had changed, as he knew it would. We went from a long distance relationship that included many weeks of hot sex and dry spells when apart- to living together, sharing responsibilities and bills. He was still very loving and affectionate during this time we weren't having sex , which in all honesty wasn't long. We were down to once a week/week and a half for about a month. He admitted that when things go wrong at work he can't let it go when he comes home, he thinks about it/ going back the next day/ making mistakes, and that it prevents a good nights sleep, let alone bring in the mood to have sex. I listened, I helped more at home with creating an environment that was stress free, and he is currently looking to work more freelance instead of being a slave to a company that doesn't appreciate him. Things improved...greatly and quite quickly. Then he tells me this, and I have to admit, knowing that conversation happened I do think about it during sex now. Not in a disgusted way, but in an analytical way. I find my mind wandering and disecting things. I think I do need to bring it up again, gently. It doesn't matter what he tells me, just that he tells me. I want to know everything about him, isn't that why we're doing this? I'll update once I do
Id say you are on the right track .. dont worry too much about it , who hasnt experimented in the past. Just dont make a big deal about it .. The fact he felt weird after ejeculation with a man gives me the impression its just sexual fantasy ... Just beware the 3 some sharing experience can be great and it can be bad .. be emotionally dolid with him before you even go there. The good thing is he felt secure about sharing it with you
firstly, wana say sorry for maybe having taken a while to get back to this, i tend to get lost with all the other threads you can always PM me (when you are given members status, dono how long thatll take), or chat on msn/yahoo, my IM name for both is sobesemail@yahoo.com your right, you do need to bring it up, and gently. its obviously not something hes comfortable with, so you need to let him know if hes gay/bi, that your understanding and not think any diffrently of him. if he admits that he is gay, talk about it and tell him you wont treat him any diffrently than you always have if thats what he wants. and of course, always let him know you love him, and that you wana help anyway you can. again, feel free to catch me on MSN or Yahoo instant message at sobesemail@yahoo.com ^.^
