I really hate when this happens.

As you may, or may not know, recently my life did it's self destruct thing again (was in a car accident <car slid down an icy hill into another car that was stuck in a snow drift in the middle of the lane on the highway> got laid off in the middle of the week, even though I was scheduled for the next three weeks, with no warning, and the pet pig I've had since I was nine died, some other stuff too <car has been in the body shop for almost three weeks, easy to get parts, they are just bastards> but those are the major ones\ones that matter)

I really felt like I had dealt with my depression pretty well, and that it was for the most part behind me. That I wouldn't have episodes like this again.

here I am, at eleven thirty, trying to self medicate with media.

trying to find something external to force me to not deal with what is going on in here.

And it wouldn't be so frustrating if I didn't recognize this pattern.



Would it be this bad if it hadn't all happened during the holidays? would this have happened when my entire support structure hadn't vanished for one reason or another through all of this. <family is not support structure, family is an exacerbating force>

Fuck.

I don't know how to deal with all of this shit directly, and dealing with it indirectly makes me absolutely useless to myself for too much time.

this is the second pet I've had die at christmas time, Emily, my first cat, died on christmas day. years ago, precious (the pig) died on boxing day.

this is such shit.

I can't even go driving anywhere because I don't have my car, and I'm terrified that my present emotional state is going to lead me to take stupid risks, cause me to have a seizure, and lose my license, and then not be able to drive even longer and compound the whole fucking thing.

fuck rapid decompensation.

 

Sometimes, you need to prepare yourself to deal with tough problems. It's being too harsh, I think, to expect you'd need no preparation and rest.

 

This state is horrible though. And I don't have enough entertainment to keep myself feeling something else through the worst of it.

in the past two days I've beaten six computer games I'd never even heard of before, Watched entirely too much top gear, learned more about car suspensions than I'd known there was to learn, and done other things I'd rather not mention.

And there is no avoiding this screaming black and white thing right now.

but this thing isn't the thing I need to confront, and it won't be. it's just the defense mechanism. the survival device.

I really do know why suicide rates steadily climb.

And no one believes me, but I do understand the evolutionary purpose of depression, I just don't like it.

 

The holidays really do seem to be a horrible time for a lot of people. That sucks all that happened to you, but hopefully things turn around for you soon.

Nothing's going very well for me either, maybe it is the two full moons or something.

 

I just need to bury myself in next new job, and burning man preparations. I need something real to focus on.

 

I said preparation and rest, not continuous procrastinating stimulation.

 

Hi Dave,

sorry, I can't give you real tips, nobody can I guess. You already know everything to do. Well, years ago I gulped down one or two bottles of red wine a day and I wrote a lot. That helped me through hard times. The problem is that you must know when to stop this behaviour and come back to the real world. Becoming an alcohol addict is not the solution.

Regards
Gyro

 

I have zero advice, but you have my sympathy.

I will say this: The less I "fight" against feelings of depression and anxiety, the faster they disappear and the less frequently they return. Perhaps the shock that results from the abnormality of depression is a cause of depression in itself...and the resulting cycle causes it to last longer than it needs last.

I really don't know, they're just observations of an abstract nature and I'm guessing you want something more tangible.

I'm sorry about your pig.