I don't really know what to do - I'm so down and I haven't felt this lonely for over a year now. I don't know what answers I'm looking for. I just need to get it out my head, as I've no-one around me who doesn't have problems themselves, and I don't want to burden anyone. I've never been in a real life, face to face relationship, because of my circumstances. I never had a relationship in that sense until 5 years ago, when a guy I met on some phone-line opened my eyes, made me think I was in love with him, but hurt me, because I naively thought he felt the same about me, and it wasn't just about phone sex for him, I thought there would never be another man in my life. He made me feel safe and protected every time I talked with him. I miss that feeling so much. Then, just over a year ago, I met this other guy - a young German man, who was amazing, and we got on so well, talking, texting, msning, etc, after a year of daily and nightly, what felt like, constant contact and him telling me how he felt about me, I actually went out to Germany to meet him...it was fairy tale perfect and he was the perfect gentleman. A week before he went a little weird on me, but I put it down to stress at his work. The actual visit was almost sickeningly sweet perfect. It was so hard to leave -he behaved wonderfully and didn't try anything on me. After the trip for about 2 weeks it was ok, but then things changed - he turned into a jerk. Rude, unattentative, homophobic (I have a lot of gay friends which he criticised), and was very critical of me, and he talked repeatedly about needing some "drugs, booze and B***hes to stick his dick into". On the 22nd Dec I was due to have surgery. It was a huge deal for me as I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I was desperate for support, highly emotional and insecure and vulnerable feeling. The stress I was feeling was so much - and it was unfortunate that at the time, his own stress at his high-powered job got to him - and he cut me off. Not a word at all -I waited night after night on msn also - nothing - although he was logged into Youtube - but as he didn't make contact with me, I didn't bug him any more than 3 texts over the week, and one email, asking if he was ok. When he did finally talk to me the night before, after I hadn't slept in 3 nights, so was really over emotional, I cried - and while I was sitting there in front of the camera, with tears rolling down my face, he asked me firmly "Does crying help? no! - so why do it?" I was hurt, desperate for affection, and hopelessly lonely feeling. Surgery was postponed by the hospital last minute, and Christmas rolled on, and New Years - nothing but a single text. But that was ok - I didn't expect anything as I knew he'd be drinking hard for days, and celebrating his birthday then too. It also gave me a chance to sleep deeply. Two days ago he seemed to return to normal with me. But there is still something missing. He isn't saying anything affectionate (hasn't done for over a month now, no matter what I do or say to him), and all his focus when he is online - is on his MSN, or his Youtube friends. On his channel there are flirty messages from other girls. Implying private contact - which is his prerogative of course - we live in different countries, but I am gutted we've dissolved into this nothingness. It hurts. I don't know what to do - because a part of me doesn't want it to end. A part of me feels it already has, and I don't know how to deal with it. A part of me is telling me I NEED a man in my life right now. A part of me understands - he isn't that man. In the meantime, I have another foreign friend who I also met online, I had a passing crush on him over a year ago, but he sort of showed me qualities that I didn't like, and so we became friends. The week before surgery he was online via webcam, just being there for me the whole time - literally 24/7. If I went silent, he broke my silence asking me what I was thinking and showing me comedy things and clips off the internet to stop me thinking. He listened and uttered comforting sounds when I cried. Waited online till I fell asleep, ate dinner on cam with me, to encourage me to eat also as I'd lost all appetite - he even helped me plan my funeral just in case anything happened. He was - amazing. The perfect friend. Now we come to the thing with him, I love his company - I need it right now, and I miss the sound of him in the background when he isn't online. But he is in love with my best friend, and asks after her frequently. I feel like an after thought. He also keeps talking about another 2 ladies he likes. He shows me snippets of their msn conversations, and stuff - and he is seeing one to sleep with soon. I hate hearing about it. I don't think its jealousy left over from the crush - I just don't like hearing about the fact that he is sleeping around. Then the other day - he said to me "I never thought of you as someone I could sleep with, but since I was talking with your friend, and she told me a story about a fantasy (I had no idea she and him were having cyber-sex) of a 3some with you and her (we are all straight), its a new idea for me. I'm hoping when I visit you this year maybe we can.....". And now I get the impression that as she won't meet him - he will get stuck with me - and I don't see him like that - and certainly wouldn't sleep with him (which I have told him). And the whole thing makes me feel ill, as he keeps planning sightseeing things saying my friend...."oh yes, and you"..... can show him round. I don't know how to stop him coming over - I've told him I might be in surgery then. I actually do feel a bit used by him now, as a way to get to my friend...even if he is still being a good friend and listening to me moan or talk about things. Then I have my friend - who he loves - going through a bad situation with her man, so I am playing counsel to her, and another 2 friends who have just broken up - who also want to talk to me about their broken hearts. I feel like I am trapped in the middle with everyone wanting some of my head. Everyone wants a piece of me - yet no-one wants me. I have been going to a Gym 3 times a week to get ready for the surgery, and have lost 6 stones (84lbs or 38.10kgs) since Feb 09, and have seen my body shape change radically. Mentally - having been very big all my life and not at all bothered by my size, I have had to adjust, and currently feel like I've lost my identity a bit. It is all so hard for me. I don't know how to 'be' anymore - I just am so hurt and upset over my guy, (I've lost a stone in weigh - 14lbs - since I saw him - he said "ok" when I told him) and with everyone talking to me about love and lost love, I am so very desperately lost and lonely feeling the last few days, that it just physically hurts too....all at a time when I feel I really need the support and reassurance, and to feel like there is someone who actually really cares about me - not me as an afterthought or a means to an end or just for some sex fantasy. I just don't know what to do Sorry its such a long post - again.
Whoaa.. Well, about that German guy, I guess he just showed what most men do look like (curse me and my ways of disgracing my own race). First we show you our good side and then BAM you know the bad side. But to break it to you short : he acted like a complete jerk - dump him. Don't be so vulnerable. Show him that you're not a push over and if he gives you shit you'll give him a ton of crap. I think that all he wanted was to prove something to himself by using you. That he can actually have someone and then he just stopped caring. My advise is just dump his sorry ass, keep your chin up and don't stop searching. Whether it's online or in real life, you're bound to find someone.
