What would you do?

xxaru,

Mercifully, we all are entitled to our opinions. No irony that I can see. The man died 16 years ago now. We both knew (obviously) it was the end. There would be no other times. Ever. You may be missing the finality of the situation we both found ourselves in.

I don't believe for a second that a woman given the choice of having her boyfriend or husband be with someone he loved who would be dying, and would never be with again, or someone just to have sex with would choose choice B.

The woman in choice B is still alive and if he was with her once, who's to say he won't be with her again for a "booty call" whenever it is mutually convenient for both of them?

You wrote, "IMO, this is a prime example of why people shouldn’t be sexually monogamous. It’s just not natural, and the percentage of people that cheat in monogamous relationships is extremely high" I agree with this.

If people live long enough, they are bound to fall in love with a few people during their life. Just because you are in a monogamous relationship/married, is no guarantee that you won't fall in love with someone else. It happens.

What is your philosophy about having children? Should people marry to have them, knowing perhaps the marriage won't last a lifetime, and go into it lightly expecting a divorce? Or should they stay together because they love each but may no longer be in love with each, but continue to care deeply for each other?

 

You missed the general point I was making here.

Touche. But by the same token, who’s to say the next time an old boyfriend calls you up and says he’s on his death bed you won’t run off and do the same thing?

Your using death as justification of your actions doesn’t come off as very rational. Turn the situation around the other way. Suppose you were the one dying and your husband started an affair with another woman behind your back. Does the fact that you will no longer be around justify everything for you in that scenario?

I don't believe children are a reason for people to stay together in any relationship. And I certainly don't believe anyone should get married simply because they got pregnant. It doesn't help children to be in a house where their parents don't get along, but try to put up a "facade" for the sake of the kids. Children can do just fine having divorced/separated parents. I see it all the time.

 

I would like to say I wouldn't but if I really loved someone, I probably would but I would feel like shit afterwards.

 

xxaru,

You wrote, "You missed the general point I was making here."

What general point that you were making did I miss?

"Touche. But by the same token, who’s to say the next time an old boyfriend calls you up and says he’s on his death bed you won’t run off and do the same thing?"

Nothing. There are no guarantees in life.

Your using death as justification of your actions doesn’t come off as very rational."

Why? I gave this situation considerable thought and weighed both sides. What you fail to grasp is that I could not have lived with myself if I didn't. Just as you most likely couldn't live with yourself if you did. We will be doing well if we agree to disagree on this point.

You wrote, "Turn the situation around the other way. Suppose you were the one dying and your husband started an affair with another woman behind your back. Does the fact that you will no longer be around justify everything for you in that scenario?"

xxaru, you are really reaching here. Apples and oranges, as these are two totally different scenarios without relevance to each other because:

1.) My situation was real.
2.) My situation involved a dying man asking to be with someone he still
loved, one last time.
3.) It was not an ongoing affair, nor would it ever be.

1.) Your scenario is fiction.
2.) Your scenario has nothing to do with a dying person's request.
3.) Your scenario involves an ongoing affair.

But I'll weigh in on it anyway. I would be okay with this situation if it was too painful emotionally for him to be with me anymore. I personally wouldn't want to put him through the pain of having to see me get worse day by day. If it made him happy, this would be fine with me, especially if I could no longer function sexually or sensually and be there for him as a woman.

To missedit,

You wrote,''I would like to say I wouldn't but if I really loved someone, I probably would but I would feel like shit afterwards.''

Thank you for your answer. Perhaps you wouldn't because you could take comfort in the fact that you had made that person happy before they left.

 

Before I attempt to respond to that last post... I just want to go back to something you said earlier that I didn’t get to respond to. I previously stated, "IMO, this is a prime example of why people shouldn’t be sexually monogamous. It’s just not natural, and the percentage of people that cheat in monogamous relationships is extremely high". And your response was “I agree with this”

If you really feel this way, then why did you enter into a sexually monogamous relationship with your husband… knowing full well that you would most likely never be able to uphold it?

 

Ok, we can agree to disagree on this matter. Let me just say this last piece.

The bottom line I was getting at here is how you seem to believe that what you did was somehow negated or justified by the extenuating circumstances at hand. But the reality is that what you did (whether you accept it or not) was deceive your husband and break the commitment you made to him. It doesn’t matter who was dying, or what world was coming to and end, etc. The bottom line is you cheated… period. You can justify it in your mind however you want to, but it doesn’t change or lessen the fact of what you did. Now obviously your ok with all this, so it is what it is. Hell, I don’t believe in committed relationships anyways, so we’ll just put an end to this little debate.

BUT… just don’t try and hold a double standard when some random guy cheats on his wife for some other reason that you may see as "less" justifiable than yours. And most importantly, don’t be upset when I kick girls out of my bed after sex and then never call them again. It’s nothing personal… and at least I can say that I never committed to them .

 

xxaru,

You wrote,"Before I attempt to respond to that last post... I just want to go back to something you said earlier that I didn’t get to respond to. I previously stated, "IMO, this is a prime example of why people shouldn’t be sexually monogamous. It’s just not natural, and the percentage of people that cheat in monogamous relationships is extremely high". And your response was" Yes, I agree with this.

If you really feel this way, then why did you enter into a sexually monogamous relationship with your husband… knowing full well that you would most likely never be able to uphold it?"

Because I didn't know "full well" I wouldn't uphold my wedding vows. I had every intention of being monogamous. But time and circumstance lead me to change the once hard-lined way I had of looking at life. If you don't grow at all in your thinking over your lifetime you aren't thinking very much.

At the time I married my husband, I was almost 23 years old. I had every intention of being monogamous because I married my husband for love. Not money, nor the other reasons people give themselves to get married. I still love my husband to this day. But the thing is xxaru, people grow up, and change over a lifetime. What life throws your way can either break you or enrich your life.

There is no "one size fits all approach" to life. And you may find that in time, you can be into judging people, but karma has a way of coming back and biting you in the ass.

Now, I believe that monogamy is unrealistic. The best we can do is love the people that God chooses to send our way. They are put there for a reason. You can say you are honest, but with your honesty you may be hurting people all the same. I don't like to see anyone hurt. So I did what was right for me.

"Ok, we can agree to disagree on this matter. Let me just say this last piece."
Yes, I thought you might want to add something.

"The bottom line I was getting at here is how you seem to believe that what you did was somehow negated or justified by the extenuating circumstances at hand. Yes. And this is what you seem to have a problem with.

But the reality is that what you did (whether you accept it or not) I accept it.was deceive your husband and break the commitment you made to him. Yes, I did.

It doesn’t matter who was dying, Yes it did.or what world was coming to and end, etc.A little dramatic for effect?The bottom line is you cheated… period. Yes, I never said I didn't.You can justify it in your mind however you want to, but it doesn’t change or lessen the fact of what you did.So it seems you think I should be punished in some way? Is that what has you so upset? Now obviously your ok with all this, Yes I am.so it is what it is.Exactly, no more no less. I'm glad we can agree on this point. Hell, I don’t believe in committed relationships anyways, so we’ll just put an end to this little debate.Sounds good.

"BUT… just don’t try and hold a double standard when some random guy cheats on his wife for some other reason that you may see as "less" justifiable than yours."I thought we had, "put an end to this little debate." To my knowledge, I have not put a double standard anywhere.

Somehow you are off onto another tangent here xxaru. It is none of my business what people do in their private lives. I believe you are taking my initial question of, "What would you do?" and are making it into a springboard for morality issues and judgements, neither of which I asked for. To the best of my understanding your answer to my question is: No, you would not have done what I did. Thank you for your reply.

You went on to write,

"And most importantly, don’t be upset when I kick girls out of my bed after sex" And you find this morally acceptable? (Not the having sex part, but the "kicking the girls out of bed"part. I'm not judging, just asking. I find this a cold-hearted way of treating people. It is something I have never done.But again, that's me.

xxaru, I think you may have issues that you are not facing because you can rationalize your approach to dealing with others by saying, "I'm upfront and truthful," without acknowledging your "truth" may be hurtful. Did you ever take time to consider this?

I realize this is how you conduct your life. That is you. Your approach is not for everyone, just as my approach is not for everyone. Just remember, when you are judging others, they may very well be judging you.

"It’s nothing personal… and at least I can say that I never committed to them." Yes, at least you can say this.

 

Nothin' like a good ol' pity fuck, I always say.

I thought that when one gets married they are committing to being with only that one person for the rest of their days... or until they get divorced. I think its adultery no matter which way you look at it.

I wonder how you would feel if your husband did the same thing to you...

 

I think we both agree on most of this.

Yes, this is the point we disagree on. We agree on everything else, and you admit to everything that you did, but you refuse to own up to the fact that the extenuating circumstances at hand do not negate or give justification for your actions.

Only in YOUR mind. Why don’t you ask your husband and see what he thinks? We both know he would see things a different way.

Morality is a very personal thing. What may be a moral issue for one, may not be for another. Your morals may be completely different from someone elses. Perhaps you have moral issues with how I treat women… and perhaps I have moral issues with how you treat men .

**I should clarify, that I don’t actually physically “kick” girls out of my bed (maybe if they pissed me off I would). When I don’t want any more from them, I simply (politely) send them home so I can get some much needed sleep.**

Lol, maybe I should start lying to and deceiving girls in an attempt to keep them from getting hurt. Ironically, I could turn this around and say the same thing about your rationalizations, cause isn't that what you do with your husband? Lie and deceive to cover up your actions so he doesn't get hurt? You know, we tend to butt heads on here, but I bet we’d get on quite well in real life .

I wasn’t meaning to judge. I apologize if I did. I was really trying to get across that your rationale doesn’t make any sense.

 

xxaru: This is just a presumption of mine, but I don't think sugarplumplum was suggesting that you take her rationale and apply it to your life.

Also, and this is for both you and sugarplumplum: you both can debate on and on about whether or not her actions were justifiable - what's not debatable is that she acted. It's done. Was she wrong? I don't know and personally I don't care. It's useless for me to try to imagine what I would do in her situation. Like her, I am married and love my spouse very much. I went into marriage fully intending to love and be with her for the rest of our lives. I still have that intention.

That being said, maybe someday I'll find myself in the same situation. Not really likely, but who knows right? I'd like to think that I'd choose to be faithful to my wife. I don't absolutely know however if I will make that choice until I am already in that situation. There's a difference between hearing someone's story and saying, "I would have done otherwise" and actually being in that situation actually doing otherwise.

What's done is done. Right or wrong, justifiable or not, it's done. Thank you for your story sugarplumplum. Hopefully I will never find myself in a situation like that. If I do, I hope that I will make the right decision. I don't know if that right decision will be the same as yours, and until I'm in the same predicament I cannot say for sure. I'd like to think however, that I will remain faithful to my commitment to my wife.

Peace to both of you. It has been an interesting read.

 

Point taken. Let's all move on

 

Maybe I missed the post where this part was discussed.

How would you feel if the situation was reversed... as in, your hubby told you tomorrow that a couple of years back he slept with an ex of his. The reasons he did, don't matter in the slightest except to him (as in he thought he was doing the right thing, regardless of what you think of it).

Would the fact that he cheated on you, then lied to you for years (or at the least didn't tell you the truth) bother you?

I know from my perspective, if my wife came to me and explained what was going on and was open and up front about it before it happened, it wouldn't bother me a lot.

However, her doing it behind my back, and then lying (or just not telling me the truth) about it would instantly and irrevocably end the marriage.

 

I should think that if you married your husband, he would be someone who understands you, and would accept your choice to handle the situation.

If I where your husband, I would be slightly distressed, but I would understand the position you where in and probably deal with it and move on. (If I where to know. and on that note, do you think he would have never imagined this could happen, knowing you went to see your old very close boyfriend for the last time before he died?) I would, however, want to know as soon as you returned. Waiting would certanially hurt much much much more.

 

Hello sugarplum, have you asked people for advice because you are feeling like you should tell him?

Wil you carry this secret to your grave? or wil the time come for the truth?

 

If you're looking for total honesty and loyalty in life, forget humans, get a dog. People are by nature selfish and self serving as evidenced by the fact that your old boyfriend wasn't concerned that he may be contributing to the break up of a marriage that may or may not have children involved.

 

Why would her old boyfriend worry about her marriage? He didn't make any vows.

As for the idea that humans can't be honest and loyal... all that statement does Moondoggy, is reflect upon you. Obviously if you feel that way, you aren't an honest or loyal person and are selfish and self-serving.

That doesn't mean everyone is the same.

 

That's pretty good that you have me pegged from the 2 sentences I wrote. My observations come from my life experiences along with scientific studies on human and canine behavior. I certainly believe people are capable of loyalty and honesty, I just personally find it more prevalent in canines from my work with them. Our actions have repercussions. Her ex wasn't concerned that his sexual satisfaction might affect the stability of a marriage where kids may be involved. Websters' definition of selfish: seeking or concentrating on one's own pleasure or well being without regard for others.:boxing_smiley:

 

I don't know anything about you beyond what you just said, and I haven't said anything about you except in direct relation to what you said..

That right there, says to everyone that you are not honest or loyal. There is nothing else that is needed to be known to make that call. If you were an honest and loyal person, you wouldn't have said that.

And back to her ex again... what the hell is with you? HE didnt make or break any vows. He has no obligation to help her uphold her vows. What does it matter to him if he contributes to the break up of someone elses marriage?

I just love how people always try to shift the blame from the person who cheated on their spouse to the person they cheated with.

 

Kinda fits the definition of selfishness.:banghead:

 

So what?

How is his selfishness measured compared to hers? She made the same decision he did, but also broke vows to do so. Yet you attack him???