This one's a work in progress, I can envision some changes in the future. Please advise. So insignificant, yet so ubiquitous Your cube-like structure resembles a tiny Borg vessel If we combine you with your brothers, anything is possible Sand castles, great vistas upon the beach Only the gentle lapping of the sea can break you down Are you aware of me as I nonchalantly slap my sandals down upon you? You have existed since time immemorial Yet my own body, although made up of many of the same compounds, Has only been in this form for a very few years Perhaps I need to view you with more of an open mind After all, you can be anything I....can only be me.....
I like it the way it is. You ever notice sometimes the things you write and best left alone after the first try? And I do know what a borg vessel is! the beach is where I like to write but you never know where and when the mood strikes!
It's ok to take up a theme used by past writers if you've got something fresh to say about it or add to it. Or maybe just express it in a unique way. I think you have some nice lines here, as well as some that might need a little more thought. So insignificant, yet so ubiquitous Good thought, but this is your lead ... you need to really grab the reader here. Can you express the thought in a more unique way, something more unexpected? Or add some twist that will compel me to want to read further? Only the gentle lapping of the sea can break you down Good line. The idea that gentleness can break down rock is a nice irony. Perhaps I need to view you with more of an open mind Well, yeah. That's the point of the whole poem. It isn't necessary to hit us over the head with it. After all, you can be anything I....can only be me..... Ah, this is what I mean by "unexpected." Most people would say you've got that thought backwards ... human beings can be anything, but a little piece of rock? You've given us an ironic little twist that turns the poem into something more than just a frolic at the beach.
