I have every reason to be happy right now. I am graduating in my May from a private school, where I have earned a Bachelor's in Biology with a concentration in Biomedical Sciences. I am graduating debt-free. I am engaged to a wonderful man that I met at school and I have been with for going on 5 years who can't wait to move me in and start taking care of me (even though I'm not the type to be taken care of, heh). His family loves me, and we get along great. The problem: For anyone who isn't familiar with my situation, he lives in Southeast Maine, and I live in the middle of New York State. That's over 100 miles- 8 hours driving time on the highway. I am sick to death of where I live. It's a dead-end farm community with no diversity, no tolerance, no commerce, the kids are poisoned and kill things and it's just generally a shit town that I can't even stand anymore. Seriously, I can't even fathom raising children here. I wish I was one of those people that cared so much aboput the place of their roots that they would stay and vow to turn it around single-handedly, fix the economy, bring enlightenment and all of the great person stuff, but this is a bad economy, and I have to go where the cash is. No one values science around here, so there's virtually no jobs for someone like me. The best bet I would have around here is the local Agricultural Experiment Station where they pay their techs peanuts to help them genetically manipulate a better apple. Granted, they are affiliated with Cornell University, but from what I am hearing from the Mainers, it's nothing compared to what lab techs get paid in Portland. The point is, if I am looking for something to live on comfortably, to contribute to a household and someday, a family, I know that I can't stay here. Everyone is out of work, getting paid next to nothing, working with horrible people who stab each other in the back to get each other fired, and just generally miserable. My stepdad is a paralegal and has been unemployed (laid off from a bismuth and lead factory- not anything to do with his degree) for months. My best friend was fired from her caregiver job because someone lied about how she handled a fucking zit on one of her clients for chrissake! People are just looking for a reason to fuck you around here, and there's nothing short of seasonal agricultural work that is even remotely reliable. New England is my best bet, and everyone can see that but my mother, who somehow had this fantasy in her head that he was going to leave HIS family to come to East Bumfuck to live with us (or at least the next town over, which I guess is technically a city... by our standards). We've been talking about moving for a while, but now there is a chance it could be happening within the next year (hopefully, since we've set our wedding for October of 2011!), and she's mooning around the house moaning and groaning and making me feel bad and asking me if I'll reconsider. She says she's not trying to make me feel bad, but what the fuck am I suposed to think or feel or do? I say stop guilting me, she says she's not, and then she goes back to "I just always thought you would stay" over and over and over again, and it's driving me up the wall. My fiance was visiting a few weeks ago, and he took me back with him for what was suppoed to be a 10-day trip, and she even made a big deal about that. She kept making this huge deal about how much she missed me... the DAY I left. She actually called me 4 hours on the road to moan at me about how much she missed me. Due to some troubles with the family dog, whom is very important to my fiance, I decided to stay a little longer so that we could find out the dog's fate/get her stabilized, mostly for emotional support for him, but also because out of the whole family, I have the most veterinary experience. My mom acted like I had stabbed her in the back. She was livid, and said it was because she had taken the week off and she was taking care of our old cat all by herself and she was sick of it. So now I feel guilty because of that. Once dog-gate has passed, he drives me back home. I had been in Maine for three weeks. I came home and hugged my mom, and it was just so awkward. It always is, now, because she's just so needy and touchy-feeling and I'm just... not. Much to her dismay. She's always crying about how we never do anything together and shit, and it's not true. We are ALWAYS together. She drives me everywhere, because I don't have a car, and we go for walks and shop together and it's like... creepy sometimes, because she just seems like the kind of person that just is never happy with how close we are and just wants to climb into my skin so we're never apart. Anyway, the fiance drove me home and then left in the next two days. I am bereft without him, and can't wait for the day when we can live together and won't have to do this long-distance bullshit anymore. He's going to be my husband, and I am going to be his wife, and we are going to live in our OWN place away from all of this madness. I just wish I could get her blessing rather than endless pleas to chyange my mind. I can't. I'm not living here anymore. I'm not just going to poke around random places in New York when I have connections somewhere else that I know for a fact is much better. I also don't think it's fair that I should uproot him and MAKE HIM come here to make her happy, when I know it will hurt his family just the same to lose him. We are trying to find somewhere in the middle like Massachusetts or New Hampshire, but only after we've stashed some sort of a savings in Maine. For the record, he DID try to live her for a year, and he ended up unemployed just like my stepdad. First, he tried to get a job he was promised at a hospital in Rochester. Unfortunately, they put a job-freeze in place right after he submitted his resume, so here he was, stuck out here with no prospects. He put in for several jobs and finally got something part-time at Movie Gallery. It was a joke. Not only did he get shit pay, but they have this stupid system where you don't get a check, but a debit card to their personal bank where they CHARGE YOU to check your balance or to make withdrawals. After a few months of that bullshit, he quit and moved back to Maine to his grocery tore job (YEAH, he works at a grocery store... for better pay than my mom makes and she's been in the same spot for well over a decade). It's been awful without him. Living with him for that year was great, but I understood he had bills to pay and was barely making one of them, let alone the rest of them. I told myself someday we would be together, and I didn't care how far I had to go to do it. I know I'm going to move out there, but no one here will support me. I'm not a stupid little 14 year old. I'm 22 fucking years old, and I want to get started on my life already! I'm sick of living at home, with no car, no income other than a crap workstudy job AND a job at a pretzel shop just to afford my books. But still she persists that when I leave she will have "no one." Because her sister and my stepdad is "no one," apparently. Sometimes I wish she had 10 kids instead of one. There has been pressure on me to provide affection to her since we left my dad. She's just always pawed at me all the time and been immensely disappointed with how stand-offish I became after I turned 11, when it's probably because of her. I just wish I knew how to handle her, because a hug is just not enough. Talking through things is not enough. Doing things together is not enough. No matter what, she wants more from me, like a friggen succubus, and I'm honestly drained. She loves me to death! Anyway, this is mostly just a rant, but I appreciate anyone who has read this through and would like to offer advice.
Shades of Main Street. In the long run, you have to do what's best for you and your husband. And I say that coming more from the viewpoint of your mom, since in a little over two years I'll be facing the exact same situation with my daughters. I dread the possibility of them moving away also, but the fact remains ... your first responsibility is to your family, not theirs. Good luck to you
It seems like in this situation your mom has never learned to be happy with herself period, and you became the thing that gave her purpose. It's hard to be diplomatic with family, especially when they aren't. I think sometimes we raise our parents in a way, instead of them raising us. I would just tell her that it's not your responsibility to make her happy, and that she needs to learn to be happy with herself now that you're an adult, that you weren't born to please her. Easier said here than to her face, I know. My parent issues are born of a similar desire they have for me to make them happy by things in my life being certain ways. I hope that when you do leave your town, your mom can learn to get involved in activities she finds fulfilling to her own interests and not be so overbearing about your decisions.
Yeah, but you seem to be handling it a lot better than the OP's mom. I think it's a common thread in parenting, but some parents have a much more enlightened view of the challenges you face "letting go" of your adult children. You may want things for them, but you seem to realize they are not beholden to your wishes, and that they may find your wishes don't work for them.
